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This week, Leanna coaches Allie, who has been feeling stuck in her career and comes to the conversation looking for strategies for how to advance her career. But through the coaching conversation, she discovers that her definition of success and how she "should" be living is very much informed externally, and it may be time for her to rewrite her own definition of what success means to her. They discuss leadership, worthiness, success, and so much more in this incredibly powerful coaching conversation.
If you enjoy this format, also check out Episode 7. If you're interested in participating in a coaching conversation with Leanna for the podcast, please complete this form.
Full transcript available here.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Welcome to the executive coach for moms podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy, while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host Leanna Lasky McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic, and certified executive coach.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Hi, everyone. Welcome back to the show. Thanks so much for joining me for episode 15. Today, I'm sharing a really fun coaching conversation that I had with Allie. Allie has been feeling stuck in her career. And she comes to the coaching session wanting to explore some strategies for how to advance her career. But through our conversation, we discover that her definition of success that she's currently living by is very much informed externally. And it might be time for her to rewrite her own definition of what success means to her. I think when we haven't taken the time to intentionally define what success means to us, we're often using someone else's definition that got embedded in our brains, who knows how long ago and it might not actually be what we want for our lives, and how we would define success. And when we haven't done that exercise, a lot of times success feels like this intangible, unattainable thing that's mostly defined by something that we're striving toward. But since it's unclear what will actually constitute as success, it means that we'll never actually achieve it. So what happens is, we believe I'll be successful when I reach that next milestone, and then we get there and we set a new milestone, and we keep just moving the needle further and further out. So we can never actually reach it. So we end up living our lives with this constant feeling of discontent, of wanting to reach that next milestone so we can finally call ourselves successful or worthy. But once we get there, we find that we just reset a new milestone. Now I want to be clear, of course, there's absolutely nothing wrong with setting goals and working hard to achieve them. But I think the important distinction is where does success and worthiness lie? Is it somewhere out there in the future when we get there? Or is it here already. And we're working toward this goal with the confidence of knowing and believing in our innate worthiness and believing that we're already successful, when we do it this way, achieving that goal feels so much better, because it's just that it's a goal. It's just a thing. It's not the prerequisite to our worthiness and success. You'll hear a lot more about this in my conversation with Allie. I really love this conversation. And huge thanks to Allie for showing up and being willing to share this conversation with the world. I know that so many people are going to relate. If you enjoy this format, and you haven't had a chance yet, please check out Episode Seven for another coaching conversation I did with Erica and Jen on delegation. And if you're interested in doing a coaching session with me for the podcast, there's a link to the interest form in the show notes. I'd love to share more coaching conversations here on the podcast, because I always get so much value out of hearing other people be coached. And I hope that you do too. So enjoy!
Leanna Laskey McGrath
All right, so hi, Allie, what would you like to bring to coaching today?
Allie
Hi. So I have to say I did do your meta questions or walk through those meta meta question. Okay. So the main thing that comes out of it and that I've been thinking about a lot lately is just kind of this repetitive feeling in getting stuck in my career or getting stuck where I am or like, I get to a place in life and in my career and I feel stuck or trapped or that I want more out of it and they want to learn more or, you know, it's kind of that the sense of okay, well I've mastered this now and maybe Master never master anything but that I've mastered this game. I want to I want more I want to learn what's the next step. But then I feel like I hit a wall. And I get this oh, well, you know, not right now or we can work towards that. And it's like well, I'm pretty now out of I you know, how do I move forward with my career and without having to like, you know, find a different company to work for especially like I like, you know, I might like my company, I like where I am. But then it's like, well, I'm stuck. And it's either Wait, who knows how long it might be for the business to be ready, or you kind of jump ship and you try to land ahead that way. But it's it just keeps happening and I don't know how to move forward. Does that fall within the range of?
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Yeah, yeah. Well, so if you think about, as you're, as you're kind of talking through this, when we finish our session here today, what would you like to walk away with? Like, what do you want to get out of this session, I would like to get out of this session, some ideas and how to, one build my confidence to help better my communication around like, with my leaders around my goals, and whatever you'd like to do. And maybe some, you know, ideas, or maybe action items, and like how to get those opportunities and learn to advance, you know, my career naturally, like, I guess, okay, so it sounds like some strategies or ideas on the confidence in communication, and actions on how to get opportunities and learning how to advance. And so if you were to pick, like, if you were to prioritize? What's the most important of those for you?
Allie
I think, I mean, I feel like the strategies and ideas on the communication will help with getting the opportunities. But I do, you know, as I say that, but I almost feel, I guess, if I'm being like, 100% Honest, I think action items and how to get opportunities in advance would almost be a priority, because I do feel like I've so I'm a very like self reflective person. So I have, you know, do a lot of professional personal development, professional development than skill sets, and myself, but I don't I still don't get seen as a leader or seen as she would be good in this position, you know, and move forward, move upward like that. So I guess the actions on how to find those opportunities or be seen as that would be highly priority, just because that I have not been able to find any resolution for Okay, well, as you were saying that I am curious. So you said you're not being seen as a leader who is not seeing you as a leader? Is that you that's not seeing you that way? Or is that someone else? Well, I think it's it's partly, me, okay. But I, it's, you know, it's a lot of like feelings, I guess. But, you know, my history is done in smaller companies. And I don't have the opportunity to be put into positions of leadership. So I guess, because I'm not in it, I see it as because I'm not in a leadership role, I guess I'm not seen as a leader might not be accurate. It What is it about being in a position of leadership or being seen as a leader that's important to you. So I think it's the first step of being, like having a seat at the table is and being able to provide ideas and part of the bigger business, you know, strategy and the approach. And so I feel like being you know, a leader can help develop, you know, employees that are whose you know, you're working with around their strategy and help coach them towards a better strategy and work together, you know, collaborative versus if you're not in that leadership position, you can provide ideas, they're just not prioritized. You know, so you can say things over and over again. But until it's a priority at the top, it doesn't, doesn't really get heard as much, it doesn't have much weight to it. That's interesting. So you're kind of saying like, the, you're the reason that you want to be in leadership, or why this is important to you is that you feel that when you're not in leadership, your ideas are not prioritized, and don't carry as much weight.
Allie
Yeah. Okay.
Allie
Yes., I think so. Because it's because I just had how they have a lot of ideas, and, you know, when I work with a company, I really like I really want to, like, be like, I'm working with, you know, with that company, like, this is what I'm doing, you know, not nine to five and we're more than that, and I want to help it be successful because in return, then I'm successful and, you know, my customers are successful. But, you know, and we can have conversations and you know, meetings and, but in the end of the day, it just didn't you know, I'm just an individual contributor, which I really dislike that phrase, but you're just, you know, you're an individual contributor. So it doesn't hold much, unless it's a priority. Higher up.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Okay, I want to go back to, I think one of the things I was really curious about is that idea of being seen as a leader, and how you are seeing yourself. And the thing that you said that kind of stuck out to me was that you have a lot of feelings about that whenever I asked, you know, who's not seeing you as a leader, and you said me, and I'm not sure if you've seen this model before, but it talks about basically, that our thoughts create our feelings, and our thoughts and feelings together drive our actions and results. And so I think what I'm really curious about is the thoughts like, what thoughts do you have about you, as a leader about seeing yourself as a leader?
Allie
So like, in this sense of how I feel about if I'm a leader now versus
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Well, yeah, or if you want to start with the feelings you can, you know, you talked about that you have a lot of feelings about it, like, what are those? Maybe let's start with the feelings and then we can back up into what are those thoughts causing those feelings?
Allie
Yeah. So I guess, I think my feelings come from the my confidence issues that I've, you know, kind of always struggled with, you know, being not good enough, or maybe these are kind of thoughts and feelings. You know, not being enough or not knowing enough, not doing enough in, per se, so for example, like I, I feel like I have a lot of insight into customer success, and I have just naturally jaw, I was naturally drawn to it and feel like I haven't that, like it's just, it comes naturally to me and the strategy around it. And the reason that, you know, all the business, parts of that come to it. However, I feel that because I don't, because I'm don't do much with it, that or I'm not out on social media, or posting or blogging or whatever, you know, insert new trendy thing here. I feel that I, you know, that I don't get seen as that, you know, subject matter expert, or the leader in that area where I could help teach others and help, you know, be the go to like, Hey, can you have questions or help guide them in this direction? So, yes, I feel like, I'm afraid to put myself out there. I don't know how to get started, you know, I say, I don't know how to get started. But I just have a block of like, I guess, putting myself out there and proactively showing my knowledge and my expertise. Because I think that like nobody can see me, nobody will see me as a leader or like that expert in that topic. Does that make sense?
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Well, it's just so interesting, because here's, here's what I heard. And this is not, this is not a judgment or anything like that. This is just repeating back to you kind of the thought track that I'm hearing because our brains come up with all kinds of things. And so it's nice to maybe step back and kind of look at like, where did that come from? That's interesting. Maybe I want to question that. So what you're saying is that you have a lot of knowledge, and you don't do enough with it, you don't put it out there on social media. And so to me, it seemed like the way that your brain was explaining this was like, maybe if I went out and established myself as an expert, then I would be seen as a leader, you know, I'm, I'm gonna go out and this is the solution, like the solution is I need to go out and put myself out there on social media. So I can be seen as a subject matter expert, and then that will solve all these problems. But then you talked about that you're afraid to put yourself out there and not knowing how to get started and kind of proactively putting those ideas out in the world because you're afraid that no one will see you as a leader. So it's kind of like a loop. Right?
Allie
Yes.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
But it's this idea of being I think that being seen as a leader, I've heard you say several several times so far in our conversation, that that's a real you're afraid to do the solution that would make you be seen as a leader because you're afraid that you won't be seen as a leader.
Allie
Yeah, so just an infinity circle.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Yeah, it's just so interesting yeah?
Unknown Speaker
kind
Allie
Kind of, yeah, I want to be like I you know, I want to be seen as a leader, that expert, but then I'm terrified to like actually do it. Ya know, then I get stuck. And then I just don't know. And I say I don't know what to do. But and that's the thing like I don't do the solution in my head. Is that actually a solution? You know that's - and then I started questioning like, No, I don't need to do I don't need to go on social media, I don't need to brush, you know, and then I add in the shouldn't have, I shouldn't have to do that my work should show me, you know, should be enough for that my contributions should be enough to show that but it doesn't.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Well, yeah. And I also wonder, like, Does every leader that you know, publish on social media a lot?
Allie
No, not at all.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
So what does it mean to be seen as a leader? What does that mean to you?
Allie
I think it means that array of things, but it mean, you know, it's being, maybe being like leaders and the right term, but it's been the go to person or the one that gets asked for advice, or the one that, you know, gets, it gets acknowledged, maybe more, you know, more so or recognized for the work and the, the contribution, and how it's helped move things forward, I have NSA have this like, need to, maybe it's just be seen, not even as a leader, but like, I have this need of like, feeling recognized, but my work gets recognized. And the harder I work, the more I get recognized, the more chance that I will advance and be successful. So like, it has, you know, all of that.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Okay, so here's what I noticed about what you're talking about. So being seen as a leader, it sounds like a lot of external things have to happen in order for that to be true. In order for you to be seen as a leader, someone else has to go to you, right, you have to be the go to person. So people outside of you need to go to you. Someone else needs to ask you for advice. You need to be asked for advice in order to be seen as a leader, you your work needs to be acknowledged by other people, it needs to be recognized by other people, you're going to keep working hard to get more recognition from other people. Is there anything internal about being seen as a leader? Like what does it mean, internally?
Allie
Internally,, I think it means being successful reaching a level of, I guess, money or a salary, that means you're successful, which you don't feel at the same time. I also feel like there's I'll never hit a salary where like, oh, that amount is means I was successful. So that's just chasing air. But yeah, it's this sense of feeling like I've doing something with my life. Like, it's a sense of, you know, I have importance of, like, I yeah, I think I wish there was more to it. But it's really like, I feel like just a sense of I'm, like, feeling important and successful. And like I've accomplished something.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Okay, so I just want to be real clear on it. Because I think a lot of these are just kind of like big ideas. Besides like, right, because you're saying like being successful. What does that mean?
Allie
I think I give these digger ideas because I don't fully know and I don't fully paying, like, deep down, I feel like I don't even believe I'll ever reach that. The like, as of right now, I guess, feeling of success being successful is like what, like, if I could put a like, Okay, I'm successful when I hit this, or this is what it means to be successful. I don't know if I truly have an answer, which I think it just comes from, like a nine out, like, you know, not to dive too deep into it. But, you know, growing up, parents are both mail carriers and like, we struggle, you know, having four siblings and we struggled with money and it's like, like, that stems like not wanting to struggle, having that the sense of financial freedom, which doesn't even like have to start with your career, which logically No, but like that, maybe it's like I'm successful when I don't stress about money, you know, or asset class, but when I don't, when I am comfortable, I guess, but there really is like, I don't know what the steps are to like success, you know what that truly means to myself?
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Well, I think it's interesting this thing that we do as humans where we think there's like a prerequisite to like, I will be successful when and then insert thing here. And then we do that right? Because like probably at some point in your life you thought like I'll be successful when I get a job that pays me and I'll get it right there's like the probably things that you are already doing that years ago. Were goals for you or that you felt like would make you feel more successful, but we put since you're putting a condition on it, then what we do is like we get there, we get to that point. And then our brain starts to do this thing where it's like, well, but I've only worked in small companies, so it doesn't count. Next, Next, insert next thing here. And as soon as we reach that next thing, then we often discount it, especially as women would discount it, and then set a new standard for being able to call ourselves successful, right, like, a new requirement. And then it's like, well, once I get there, then then I'm going to feel good about myself, then I'm going to feel like I'm enough. And I'm going to finally feel successful. And then I'll finally be seen as a leader because I'm successful. But the reality is, is like you said, like, it doesn't exist. It just keeps going, you just keep setting the next thing, it's just like, I mean, people want to make hundreds of 1000s of dollars. You know, they're like, Well, as soon as I get to 100,000, then I'll feel good about it. And then they get to 100,000. And they're like, happy for, you know, five days, and then they're like, Hey, I gotta make 125. Or it's like, we have to keep advancing, keep raising that bar over and over again for our whole lives. And then we we end up what ends up happening is we live our entire lives, feeling that we're not enough feeling like I just gotta get to that next thing to be successful, and never actually getting there.
Allie
I mean, that's really it, right? I mean, I feel like I did have those goals. And if I think about when I started my professional career, when my husband and I got married, and I was making $14 An hour mergency that like, and then I'm gonna go and get into business. And then, you know, and then I did that. And I was like, Well, you know, I was doing well and then say, Okay, well, I'm gonna get into customer success. And I hit that, and then it's okay. And then eventually, it does turn into that chasing of $1 symbol of so some sense and like, I don't think it was always that, but it does come to like, wow, I didn't think I could do that. So let's try it. And let it's like the next thing. What is the next thing? And I feel right now, it's like, you know, being an individual contributor, I do feel like I've been a strong employee and in, you know, with these companies and have contributed a lot to Okay, well, what's the next thing and that's, you know, leadership and management and moving up the ladder? But yeah, I don't know if that would truly be it. Be what that's probably not gonna be satisfied.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Spoiler alert, it's definitely -- it's not.
Allie
Yeah, it's I gotta, you know, self be self happy, is happy with myself?
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Well, it's interesting, because when you said like chasing money, I don't think it's chasing money, you're chasing something so much more than that you're chasing self worth. Right? You're chasing like I want, you're chasing a feeling, I want to feel successful, I want to be seen as a leader, I want to have all the feelings that I'm gonna feel whenever I'm the go to person, and I'm recognized for my work, right? Like, that is what you're chasing you, you and everybody else, you know, and I think that I don't know, maybe at some, sometimes it's important to step back and recognize, like, look back a little bit of all the progress that has been made, right, and all the steps forward that you have made, because it sounds like and I'd love to go back to you know, you're talking about feeling stuck and trapped. And like you've hit a wall, and we can dive into that a little bit more. But it sounds like there has been a lot of movement in your career, a lot of progression and advancement along the way. And, you know, you want to keep going not that you've been stuck in the same place since you were 18.
Allie
And that's it is chasing that, you know that self worth of a not what I think I am unless somebody else recognizes it. Which is a not a fun feeling. I just say out loud, but it truly you know, that's truly, unfortunately, yeah, what it comes down to and then, like you said, like, I'm not stuck in this place that I haven't moved upward or forward. And it's not as if you know, you have like we're saying like, even self worth, but just in life in general, like oh, if I get married by the time I'm 30 and kids and all of this like I think my life has progressed as what you would typically say is, you know, the normal expectation within society of doing that. And so when I do think back of my accomplishments, and where I'm at, I am at a really good place. And at a younger age, too, I always I always forget that I'm, honestly have a full life ahead of me. I'm only in my early 30s. So, it for me too. It's this feeling of, oh, I can do that. Oh, let me you know that. always striving to like not beat the next thing but take on the next challenge. I don't do well, in a sense of calm waters. I guess I could say like, if the waters calm, you know, everything's going good. You can you know, get up on your paddleboard, everything's fine, but I'm the person that's like, oh, it's windy out today. I think it was like, Just this weekend, like, Oh, I'm gonna go paddle my my dad's like, it's way too windy. You know, I can do it. So it's like this sense of like, oh, no, I can do it again, rather, when it's the waters choppy, then call. And so when things are calm and moving forward, you know, nicely. I'm like, Okay, what's the next challenge? What can I do? I'd love to like something to disturb it almost interesting. And that's a different kind of piece of like, the self worth chase, you know, chasing the self worth. But I think then when I get to the calm waters, that's when I really started like, checking, you know, looking for the soul, you know, the, the like, oh, did they see everything that I just did? Do they think that they could give me another challenge? Or was all of that worth it? And then I feel that's where they start, you know, looking for that outside recognition really comes into place during the smooth waters. And and all those feel like that was a good analogy.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Yeah! Well, and that makes sense, right? Because in the treacherous waters, like, you are so focused on getting to the next thing, right, getting there safely, and you know, doing all the things I mean, safely in, in the real example. But in the metaphor, like getting through whatever it is, like whatever challenges are coming your way, like that is almost a way to like stay very distracted, you know, and then you get there. And everything's a little bit you said, like calm waters, and so you have time to think you have time to sit with yourself. And you have time to analyze and evaluate and whatever your brain likes to do whenever it has some time and, and calm. And so.
Allie
Right.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
And then it's like, I gotta get distracted. I cannot like this is so uncomfortable for me to just sit here in this calm, quiet space with myself that like, I need something else. I gotta I gotta go distract, right? I don't want to think about this. Right?
Allie
Exactly. Even if it's good. Even if it's, everything's good. It's like, my negative thoughts start coming in. Right be well, oh, you just did all of that, but nobody sees it. Or, well, why did they just come running up to you asking you for a promotion? Or right? You know, all of these things? It's like, I guess that yeah, I sit down I think and then I analyze conversations and I analyze, you know, my work. And oh, well, this person said this all day.
Allie
And then your brain's like this is so uncomfortable. Get me out of here. Something else to focus on.
Allie
Right. Yeah. The next challenge.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Right, exactly. Because what your brain is doing was just sitting there is looking for confirmation of your original thought, which is I'm not enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not doing enough. I don't know enough. And so it has time to look for that, right? Or that's what our brains do is like, it's confirmation bias. It's just like, tell me what you want me to believe. Right? Like, tell me the belief. And I'm gonna go out and find all the evidence in the world to try and back that up. Right. So whenever the brain has more time to sit still, the brain is gonna go out and start doing that. And saying, Oh, that conversation with that person. This is how you didn't show up the right way. And the fact that they didn't recognize you means that you didn't work hard enough or you didn't do it right. And now you have to go to go out and prove yourself again. Right?
Allie
Yeah, that's really exactly what it is. You know. You sit there and think about it. It's do have the good moments of like, Oh, I feel so good at you know, with where I'm at and you know what I'm doing and then yeah, once you're sitting there quietly, it's like, Nope, that wasn't done. Right. Nope. Did you hear how they that email sounded?
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Yeah, yeah, well, we live in a hustle culture, right, that's like, go to the to the next thing to the next thing. And so we have, there's a lot of people putting work out in the world about just helping people sit still. And helping people just be because it's hard, it's hard whenever we've been conditioned to like, go, go, go. And I think that you said, You're in your early 30s. I think that, like, our 20s are a time where that hustle culture like that go, go go is probably beneficial to us. Because, you know, we need to, we need to go, we need to get our career set off, we need to get our lives, you know, get our lives started and everything. And so we do everything, quote, unquote, right? In our 20s, and lots of mistakes too. But we do everything that we need to do to get our life set up. And then we get into our 30s. And then we're like, you know, having there's a bit of disconnect, because it's like, won't, like I'm still living that way. But maybe I'm starting to have like, different feelings, like, I want to, like be still with my partner and our children, right? Like, I want to enjoy those moments. Whereas in my 20s, I can just fly on past everything, because like, I'm so focused on the goal. And so then it kind of shifts, it shifts a little bit for us. And I think that is a really common thing, where, you know, at some point in our 30s, we realize, like, I don't know that I want to live quite like that anymore. I might want to change things up a little bit.
Allie
Right. That's a good point. Because I do feel like my career is in a good place. When I really get down to like the what's on paper and everything. I mean, even that what's on paper, but it's in a good place. And then I think, you know, well, you're supposed to be still doing something else, you know, you're supposed to have a side hustle, you're supposed to have a you know, flipping houses on the side, or you're supposed to have a hobby and all of a sudden, it's like, when I really start thinking about doing those things. And this is like kind of the action and like the social media part of it that I was talking about before. It's like, I don't want to, like I yeah, I could, those are good ideas. And I do a no and myself, but if I really wanted to, I could go and start a side hustle or business or something extra. But when I get down to it's like, I don't want to I don't want to be like I want my evenings to be with my kids. And their activity isn't, you know, like, go go go with them. Because that's it's their time right now, you know, in the day is mine to get work done. And then the evenings are theirs to run from soccer dance, wherever. But it comes down to like, I don't want to do the extra hustle anymore. Like, I'm good at what I do. And I know that you know, I wish I did wasn't searching for that external recognition. But you're right, like I'm maybe it could it's, you know, started a side hustle in my 20s. But now I'm like, No, I don't want to. Do I actually have to? Because that's what the world tells us.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
How does it feel whenever you kind of recognize that or say that out loud?
Allie
It feels like when I say it out loud, it feels like a weight is lifted like, you know, I don't have to do that. It's not something I have to do. And that's okay. Right? But then it's when those calm waters come were like, Oh, well, you should have started that side hustle, you would be able to have your challenge then. It's like just another way for the challenge to come back.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Yeah, yeah. Well, it's interesting because I think you know, we talked at the beginning about like actions and maybe one of the actions is different than the intention you came in here with but like what could you say to yourself whenever that thought comes up?
Allie
That I don't need a challenge.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Well, you have a challenge! You have some challenges
Allie
I already have enough. And that's exactly it like I --That's true. Like I have challenges. It's okay to to relax. To not have to run after something and I don't success does not mean having multiple jobs, juggling multiple chainsaws. It is a self worth and I think about how I feel when I'm you know, watching you know, cuddling on the couch watching a movie with my kids like that is you know, satisfying to me. Like they don't need to be on my computer at seven o'clock at night trying to start a business because that's what I should be doing.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
And then judging yourself when you're not.
Allie
Right, exactly.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Yeah, I mean, it sounds like maybe Allie had a different version of success or different definition of success. And maybe it was really hard for you to kind of define what being successful means. And so maybe that's a bit of some data or like an interesting insight into the fact that maybe your idea of success is evolving, but you're still like holding on to this one. Because you, you know, maybe it needs a bit of conscious intentionality behind it, deciding like, what is at this moment in your life, what is your version of success? And knowing that intent, you know, next decade, it'll change, probably right? Like, the decade after that, like, maybe when your kids go off to college, you want to start a business? Who knows? But you don't need to worry about that right now. What is it right now for you?
Allie
Right? That is really I love that successes, the definition of success is evolving, you know, I needed evolves over time. Because I think, if I think about it, you know, into our conversation, like, for me, success right now is like, just my kids being happy, right? And my family being healthy, like those things, and then, like having a good relationship with my husband, and those things, or be and I wouldn't even change the word is like, priority, you know, and that's success right now like that. Truly, I think, when I think about it will, you know, holistically, not just in this context, so my career, that is success to me, I guess, my career does allow me to do that right now, like allows me to turn everything off at four or 5pm. And be ready when the kids are coming off the bus. And so I think that is like today, like that would be that's how I measure a successful day.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Your brain?
Leanna Laskey McGrath
So you're successful??
Allie
I think so!
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Yeah?!
Allie
Yeah! Look at that. I mean, like, I think changed how I view it, you know, like, how we talked about it. And then I think about like, if I even bring it down to the day like, me having a successful day, isn't it take a step back? I would say, it's not measured by what I got done on my to do list, it's the end of the day when my kids happy. And when they do they enjoy school, and they enjoy their activities? And, you know, did they learn something that's, did I get dinner on the table? You know, usually, like, I put a bed rest assured, you know, it's not a measure of, did my manager congratulate me on something?
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Yeah, well, and it's not wrong to want that, of course, we all want people to recognize our work, right. But I think it's like, there's a different relationship to it, when you say, I have to have that, in order to define myself as successful, and, therefore be worthy. And believe that I'm enough, that's very different than saying, I really want my manager to recognize me, because I feel whole and content, knowing that I did enough each day within my priorities that are most important to me. And I'd also really love to be recognized for the work that I'm doing. Like, that's, that's a natural feeling. That's okay to feel that way. Of course. Right. But it's a very different thing than when it's like a desire than when it's a necessity for your work.
Allie
Yeah, two different things. There's nothing that comes after in the second instance of you know, and I would like to be recognized for my work. I feel like, usually add on to that, because dot dot dot
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Because you're a normal human.
Allie
Yes, not because it would make that means I'm successful. I mean,
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Because you already are. You don't need that. I mean, you'd want it but you know, it's not a it's not a prerequisite.
Allie
Yeah, I like that.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
So I think we didn't -- I don't know that we did what you wanted. But what are you walking away with? Or what, you know, what are your reflections on our conversation today?
Allie
So I think, I mean, I know we didn't like specifically talk about strategies and actions and ideas. But I do feel like I'm walking away with inaction. Almost any action of how to take a step back and looking at what I've accomplished. I think it does kind of come full circle. That if I take in the moment of the calm waters, and I take a step back and look at everything and then measure like okay, what does success mean to me today? We're what does the goal mean? Today? I already feel like doing that today, like okay, I feel confident, I feel more certain like, assured, and then I can communicate better. And then I can tackle the calm waters. So just walking away that it's also not It's not this funnel perspective, I always just kind of look at success are these goals of like it's just career oriented. And that if it's not happening within my career, then you know, then it's not happening. And that's not true. It's a broader picture. It's a holistic view. And so I feel like I'm walking away with a lot of just good ideas of how to take the actions of making myself realize what I've accomplished, and how I my own self worth.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Yeah, well, like I mentioned at the beginning, your actions, it doesn't start with action starts with your thoughts and your feelings, right. So that's where we spend a lot of our time because once you address the thoughts and feelings, then that's going to drive those actions and results.
Allie
Right. That's how I feel.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
I think it'll be really interesting to see what happens when you show up believing that you're already successful, rather than showing up looking for confirmation from outside of you, that you are. So you know, I think it'd be interesting to see, because who knows, like maybe you you talked about, you know, wanting to have more confidence, like maybe that helps you show up in a way that portrays confidence. And some as like, man, we should put her in a leadership role. Who knows?! Yeah, but what you have control over because I think, you know, you talked about all these external forces, which obviously you don't have control over. And then it's driving you crazy because you're trying to kind of control them. What you do have control over is what are your own thoughts and beliefs and feelings about yourself? And that will then drive how you show up.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Wonderful. Well, a couple last thoughts that I have. One would be I'm not like a go to homework kind of coach. But if you wanted to, my recommendation would be just to kind of write down really like, like, actually put pen to paper to make it a little bit more tangible of what is your definition of success, and what are your priorities and just kind of putting them visually, because your brain is going to go back to you at 30 something years of programming that you have to go go go forward for report all the time. And if you're not, then all these terrible things about yourself, you know, and you're not worthy, etc. So your brain will go back there. And it's important because when you think about like neural pathways in your brain, you have a stimulus going to a response. Like, if your stimulus is no recognition for work I've done it goes straight to the belief to reinforce like, I'm not good enough, it wasn't my work wasn't good enough, right? Like that's a super highway very well tread path. And now, you're trying to try a new path, right, and these new neural pathways in your brain, and so they're going to be like tiny dirt roads right now. And so these are going to be thoughts that you're going to need to practice and remind yourself of regularly. So you might like write this all down, and then set a reminder on your calendar or your phone to like, read it once an hour or every 30 minutes or something right or like just to continuously reinforce those thoughts, and beliefs so that you can start creating that that new pathway, because you can't just totally undo 30 plus years of programming that your brain has been doing overnight. It takes some work to kind of solidify it. So that would be my recommendation if you wanted to take some action. And then the other thing as you were talking, this quote that I heard the other day on a podcast came up. For me, this woman, she's like in her 70s. She's one of the experts in the Enneagram world. And she was talking in conversation and she said, the more I heal, the less I do. And that just that quote came up for me as I was thinking about you in those calm waters. Just being able to sit and you know, be able to sit with your child on the couch and watch a movie and just feel content and enjoy that. Right. And rather than feeling like I ought to be doing something like I should be posting on social media right now. It just, it robs us, you know, from those moments that we want to that we want to enjoy.
Allie
I really like that. Thank you.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Wonderful. Great. Well, anything else you wanted to add?
Allie
No, this was wonderful. It was a great experience meeting you and great conversation around around this. I'm really glad I got to do this. Thank you.
Allie
Yeah, me too.
Leanna Laskey McGrath
Thanks so much for tuning in to the executive coach for moms podcast. Please like, subscribe or follow the show so you'll be notified when the next episode is available. I hope you'll join me again next time. Take care
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
