Let the Light In: Embracing Grief, Hope, and Healing after Pregnancy Loss - with Kami Wernimont

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:08  

Welcome to the executive coach for moms podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host Leanna Lasky McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic, and certified executive coach. Hi, everyone. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:31  

Welcome back to the show. Thanks so much for joining me today and welcome to Q4. We are going deep today, my friends October is National pregnancy and infant loss Awareness Month. So we're going to kick off the start of the month with a very special guest Kami Wernimont, Kami and I went to college together, we're Zeta sorority sisters, and I've always really admired Kami's courage, openness and authenticity. We both became certified life coaches around the same time. And now Kami is a miscarriage doula and she's recently started a nonprofit called Let the Light In. Let the Light In will support women who have experienced pregnancy loss to navigate all of the emotions and grief and loss that are really not covered by medical care. I'm always so inspired by anyone who sees a need in the world and then creates a solution for it. And I am just in awe of Kami for doing this what she calls "hard heart work". I'm so grateful to Kami for both doing this work and putting this work out there in the world, and for coming here on the show to share her story with us today. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  1:40  

I learned from Kami that at least one in four women experienced pregnancy loss in their lifetime. And so that tells me that there are many listeners who have had this traumatic experience. And if we haven't had the experience ourselves, it's almost certain we know someone who has whether they've shared it with us or not. During our conversation, Kami shares her journey with two pregnancy losses and both the physical aspects and the mental and emotional impact on her. She talks about the work that she's doing now and what her goals and vision are for her nonprofit. And we also talk a little bit about how to support women who might be experiencing this in our personal or professional lives. Because I think sometimes it's really hard to know what to do or what to say, especially in the workplace. And speaking of the workplace, grief support and bereavement leave for pregnancy loss are currently not common benefits that companies provide. So women are having to just carry on like nothing has happened, when in reality, they've just experienced a traumatic, significant loss and their bodies are going through a lot. I know that many of our listeners are in positions to affect change and policies within their organizations. And so I'm hoping that if you are maybe hearing came a story about just how much a pregnancy loss impacts a person, including how she returned to work the very next day, I'm just hoping that this will potentially inspire some change so that we can better support women who are going through this. Also, I just want to say that we're talking very openly and honestly about this topic and Kami shares the details of her story and how she felt along the way. So if pregnancy loss is an area of trauma for you, and you're feeling like you're not in a place to hear this conversation just yet, please take care of yourself. Please sit this one out if you need to. And we'll be back next week with another episode. I also think that if you are someone who has experienced pregnancy loss and you haven't talked about it with others, you might find some comfort or healing, just hearing about someone else's experience to know that you're not alone to know that it's completely normal that your grief is still present and strong, even if it happened a while ago, there's no universal timeline for grief. There's no shame in grieving for longer than what our societal norms seem to suggest. And you'll hear kami explain the grief process in a lovely way that you might relate to. So thank you again for joining me today. And I really hope you enjoy this beautiful conversation with Kami. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  4:21  

Hi, everyone, and welcome back to the show. Thanks so much for tuning in this week. I'd like to welcome to the podcast Kami Wernimont. Welcome, Kami!

Kami Wernimont  4:32  

Hello. Thank you so much for having me.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  4:34  

Thank you so much for being here. I'm so excited about this conversation. Can you start off just by kind of introducing yourself and telling us about who you are and the work that you're doing in the world?

Kami Wernimont  4:46  

Yes, my name is Kami Wernimont and I am a certified life coach and miscarriage doula and I am the president and founder of a new nonprofit organization called let the light in and we focus primarily on providing support services to women affected by miscarriage and pregnancy loss. We do this by providing resources and ultimately a compassionate community to companion them alongside this journey.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  5:14  

I love that. And I remember when I saw your update that you were starting this, I was just so moved and impressed and kind of like, that's amazing that this is the work that you're choosing to do in the world. Can you kind of talk a little bit more about what inspired you to do this work? What brought you to it?

Kami Wernimont  5:35  

Well, you know, it's funny that you say, choosing to do this work. I feel like this work called me more than I because I there were many times I was like, No, I don't know, I don't know, this is pretty hard stuff. But really what inspired me it was my own journey back in 2018, I had two losses. And it was a journey, for sure. And it was a lonely, isolated journey that had a lot of impact on the way that I raised my toddlers at the time through now even and then several of my very close friends also have been impacted by miscarriage and pregnancy loss. And it's like just watching these women navigate this journey alone, knowing that they needed someone to reach out and say, How are you really, and not knowing fully what their options are? So I had wanted to for a long time I've been dreaming of this, like how do I provide support for these women? Like what can I do and and there's been a lot of Who do you think you are to do this. And that was very early on when I didn't feel quite ready. But I will be honest with you from the very moment that I've shared my story on Mother's Day, my first of my miscarriage loss. On Mother's Day in 2018, I knew that there was more to come for supporting this community, there were people that I had no idea in my life that reached out and said, Me too, I've been there. And it's like the silent sisterhood like just emerged out of nowhere, to all say me too. And it's just this compassionate community that is so necessary and desired. And so I, I've worked it up for a long time. And ultimately, it landed on forming a nonprofit organization and nonprofit because I don't feel like these women need to be charged for these services, I don't think I don't want that to be necessary. I want to be able to focus on their care on educating them about connecting them with resources that fit their experience, about bringing my coaching experience and as well as the miscarriage support that I have courses that I have learned. Everything that we have there kind of ties together to provide this for free. And as a nonprofit, it's, I'm not alone, right? So if I just took this on as my as my hustle, if you will, if I took this on as like, I'm gonna do this, and this is my job. It felt very lonely, it felt more like a hustle. And I didn't want to be there. But what I have, and what we have now is a full board of directors that are backing me up and lending a hand and their experiences and their knowledge and their connections and network and really trusting me to lead this forward. So it's a very humbling experience. And I like to call it the you know, the hard heart work. That's what we're doing. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  5:35  

Yeah. So we know where you're at now, and I want to hear a lot more about that. I'm curious kind of your journey. You're starting a nonprofit to support women who have had pregnancy losses. And that's kind of where you're at now. And you're certified miscarriage doula. You're a life coach, like how you always been a life coach, like what did you do before? How many kids came along the way like just curious a little bit more about kind of your journey to this point.

Kami Wernimont  8:51  

So a little bit about my Yeah, my background to after college I went on to, I got my master's degree and communication theory and research. And I've always had this love of how can how relationships work and watching that and how people communicate and what they need. And after college after grad school, I went on to work for a nonprofit organization. And I worked in event planning. And we were such a small office, that we did a lot of cross programming. So I was involved not only in the event planning, but also the programming side of things. And so I got to work intimately with, you know, the education programs and the fundraising programs, and just one on one with volunteers and the people that were impacted there. And after that I worked there for about, I wouldn't say five years. I was there and I really loved it. I loved the nonprofit work. I love the energy and it's again hard heart work. And that was in West Virginia. And then I moved back home to Ohio I'm Ohio native to we moved back home to Ohio I got married and started working for a construction company of all places and I was an office manager for a while and then I turned that role went into a marketing role and developed there everything from websites to brochures to networking, and you know, getting some of their programs lifted off the ground. During that time, I realized that I missed the connections that I was building. And I really had this yearning to do more. And that's when I went after my life coaching certification through CTI coaches training institute. I started that in 2016. And before I started that, I had my first son in 2014. And then a year and a half later, our second one came along in 2016. And when he was six months old, I was like, You know what, I've been putting this off for long enough. And I dove in. Why not start a new life journey with two very, very little kids at home? 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  10:47  

Sure. Of course. And were you still working at the construction company?

Kami Wernimont  10:51  

Yeah. I was I was I worked there, up until 2019. I worked there full time and was getting my certification and raising kids I have that I had this tendency and I've I've slowed down some but I to just do all the things all at once. I can do it, I can do it, I can go after my dreams and be a mom. And I think that that was a big part of my journey is I want to show them that they can do anything, and achieve anything. And that's been very important to me that you don't have to do one or the other. And that's a whole conversation in itself. So I was going after that dream, and in doing all the things and we had set was 2016. And 2018 came along. And we had decided that we weren't quite done with having kids, mostly me. Because I told my husband is like, Come on, we can try for just one more. If we get a girl then you know, that's great. But if not, then all we'll cross that bridge we get to it. So we got pregnant, and we announced to our family at the middle, his second birthday. And it was like we were all excited. And we went to go get after his birthday party, we changed him into the big brother t shirt, and he couldn't read it. And we just told him, you know, this is happening. And we're, we're pregnant. And we're really excited. And we had an ultrasound planned on Monday. And we couldn't wait to make all these plans. You know, it's like, it's gonna be so exciting. They're all gonna be close together. And at that point, it never crossed our mind that something bad would happen. We went in for the ultrasound on Monday we were I'll never forget, I got a facial before. And I felt so stupid. After but anyways, why? Why? Well, I think it's because it was like, everything changed so quickly. I don't know, is one of the like, How did I not know that something was going on in my body. But I didn't. I didn't. I think that is something that I it that it was there that it was like, Oh, I'm just gonna go and do all these things and everything. I had this like innocence. One moment, and then the next that was gone. My husband and I drove separate that day, because he was working and had meetings all day. And we were gonna go to the ultrasound together. And he got there a few minutes late. But then he came in. And at that time, we were nine weeks. And the ultrasound tech got real quiet. You know, just like you hear in stories, quiet. And then she said she was sorry. And there was no heartbeat. And she said she would send someone in to talk to us. And I just collapsed. Yeah. There was a nurse that came in and she talked to us. And she called I Wish I knew her name. But she had tears in her eyes with us. And she says I am so sorry, I am so sorry. I have been in your shoes, and I'm so sorry. And she told us what our options were. She gave us the opportunity to speak with our our doctor. She said that, you know, I'm gonna call it your mind is not clear right now. I'm going to call you later this afternoon. And we're going to talk about if you want to set up an appointment to see your doctor and what your options are after this. There were nine weeks but only measuring six. And so then, you know, we got walked out the side doors so we wouldn't upset any of the new mothers in the waiting room. And that was a blur. It felt like they were holding me up but I couldn't see straight. Yeah. And I got to the car and my husband and I talked and I cried. But we drove separate. So I compose myself. And he went on and I went on and we kind of just both needed a moment to breathe. And I went straight to my mom, my mom and dad's house because I knew she would be home. And I just came through the door and collapsed with her and told her what had happened and and I cried. And then when it wore off, it's like there's nothing more comforting than being able to lay on your mom's couch or your parents couch. It's like when you're sick. Like that's what you want. Yeah. And then it's like the world stood still for me. And how can everybody else keep going on when my world But still, it didn't make sense. nothing made sense. My body still felt pregnant, I still felt nauseous, I still felt not good. And my kids were still a daycare. And so eventually I pulled myself together and went home and got a shower. And that afternoon, I went and picked up my kids. They were toddlers, you know, they were little, there's no explaining. I mean, for me, there's there was no explaining to them. What was going on? They didn't even know that. I mean, he wore the shirt. Yeah. But he didn't know what was going on. We didn't tell them. And I went to work the next day, oh, my gosh, because life was supposed to still go on. I felt fine. My body felt fine. My brain said, You're just supposed to keep going. You're just supposed to keep going. So just to remind a bit, they did call me that afternoon. And I had decided that I did want it to see the doctor. Because I couldn't I just still couldn't believe it. Like, what if they were wrong? Because my body still says I'm pregnant? What if they move on. So yeah, I went to work the next day, and somehow moved through those motions, and then on. So that was Monday, Tuesday. And then Wednesday, I went into the doctor, and I have to give credit to the coaching program that I went through. Because as I was learning how to be a coach, I was being coached. And during that time, I learned more about who I was, and what I needed, and how to advocate for myself more than any other time in my life. And that is what I brought with me that day when I went to the doctor's office, and I said, I can't believe this. And I need you to show me and explain to me everything that is happening because it doesn't feel real. And she did. She did another ultrasound with me. And she talked me through it. And she pointed and she explained and we decided on the next steps, I could wait at home and see if everything happened naturally. Or I could schedule the DNC and be done. And that's what I did. So that Friday, I had a DNC.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  16:53  

Wow, and all this time you're back at work, taking your kids to daycare going through the motions of your life?

Kami Wernimont  17:01  

Yeah, and I, you know, I will say on that day, I went back to work, I then after that was decided after my appointment on Wednesday, I sent an email to my boss and I said, I am so sorry, that I'm not going to be able to be there. Because this is what's happening in my life. And I don't know what I was expecting. But I did receive a very compassionate response and take what you take the time that you need. And I and I am so sorry. So I did not go to work the rest of that week. And then I took the time from Friday. But I had a job where the work on Monday like was only the work that I could do. It was something that I was the only one that knew how to do it and had to be done on Monday, which is very unfortunate. So on Monday, I was back. While inside, I still felt very pregnant. My hormones had not shifted yet. It's not an automatic shift, where everything just feels like back to normal. There's still a period of adjustment after all of that. I was pregnant. And then I wasn't.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  17:56  

Yeah. As you're talking through it, it feels so present. 

Kami Wernimont  18:01  

Grief is tricky that way. Yeah, I took some time after that. So that was in April. And by the end of April, my husband actually had a trip, a work trip plan to Las Vegas, and I was still working and doing all the things and I felt like I had to put all this weight in a box on a shelf and I couldn't process it. There was no time between the littles not sleeping and going to work and I just couldn't breathe. Yeah. So he had this trip planned to Las Vegas. And he had a really full schedule while he was there. And I said, I wish I could go with you. I said, Well, why don't you I was like, alright, well, you know what was stopping me? It was a long weekend. And so I flew out the day after he did, took the kids to my parents and said I need a break. And thankfully they were able to do that for us. And I went out there and I slept. And I lay by the pool. And I journaled and I got a really long massage. I had a couple of sessions with my coach to kind of process some things and be like, What do I do with all this? And I won't say that, that like poof, everything was perfect again, but having that time to step away from real life from like, all the very real obligations to just breathe was so important to me. And I, I will always strive to find a way to get even a piece of that to someone else than having room for them to breathe when they don't have to be mom. They don't have to be wife. They don't have to be employee. They don't have to be keeper of the house. They don't have to be anything but who they are in that moment. And I think that that is so important. It's something that we are lacking, because that was the start of healing for me. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  19:43  

Yeah, it sounds like it was very essential to moving forward a bit.

Kami Wernimont  19:48  

It was it really was. It was after that that I started like figuring out what I needed to get through this and making room for that. Instead of trying to fit in a place that I didn't feel like I fit.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  20:03  

Yeah, you know, as you're talking about that I'm thinking, what a gift that you had those coaching skills to kind of, you know, you talked about journaling and taking time and some of some of that self awareness of what do I need here? Because I think about, like, pre coaching, if this were like me, for example, in my early 20s, like, I don't know what I would do, right? And I'm sure there are many women out there who maybe are struggling with like, where do I go from here? What do I do with this? If you know, they haven't had some exposure to coaching or therapy or that kind of thing? So is that kind of your goal? Now you have those skill sets and experience that bringing that to maybe women who don't have that yet?

Kami Wernimont  20:47  

Absolutely, the best thing that that we can do is one, number one, leveling them on the way and reminding them that they are able to advocate for themselves and do it navigate this journey in a way that is unapologetically them in what they need to move forward, and, and go through with no regrets about what they wish they would have asked, or what they wish they would have known. I mean, I'll never forget the Instagram post that I saw that said, what if you could go back in time and change anything? What would you change and, and it was just as random. I don't even know what account it was that I saw it and I was like, I would have gotten help sooner. Because even though I had the skill set, and I knew to advocate for myself, by the time it came around to a second miscarriage, and I'll and I'll kind of go through that journey in a minute, too. But I wish there would have been somebody there to say what you're feeling is normal. And there's a way to get help. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  21:41  

Yeah, that makes sense. I think the other thing is like, I'm sure there are also women going through it that like, it's just very hard to access at that moment, like what you need and how to advocate. And even if you have all the skills, it's like the grief kind of overtakes all of it, maybe in some cases, right? 

Kami Wernimont  21:59  

It does. You know, as I was going through my training, it was like, all the pieces were like coming together and being put in front of me. And miscarriage is not just the loss of a pregnancy. It is it is a physical loss. It's an emotional loss. It's a loss of dreams, and all of these other secondary losses. It's trauma, it's grief, it's physical healing, it's emotional healing, and it's medical decisions. There's all of these layers on top of what you already have going on in life. And it can feel so heavy and so suffocating. And for me, I had to find my life raft. Because as you said, you know, if you were in your 20s, or before coaching, like what would you have done? I knew exactly what I would have done. Yeah. And that was all into a very, very dark place where I would have a hard time coming up for air. And so I clung I clung to my faith, like the life raft so hard. And even then I still had challenges. There's no clear path. And there's no clear path for anyone. I had this disconnect for so long between my mind and my body. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  23:05  

Was it that you felt like you couldn't trust that connection? 

Kami Wernimont  23:09  

Yeah, because for the longest time, even after my DNC, I for the longest time, I still felt pregnant. I still I was still nauseous, it took a while for everything to kind of settle back. And they told me, you know, wait one to two cycles, and then you can start trying again. And I was just like, oh, okay, everything should feel normal by then. But it didn't feel normal by then. But in November of 2018, we, I should say that this whole time, after a couple months, it was like, Okay, let's just try again and see what happens. And that disconnect was there too, because I eat with my first two. And even with that third pregnancy, I was like, I'm pregnant. I just knew it. And I took a test and I was pregnant. And I was like, Oh, it was easier, you know? And then it was like, every month after that. It was like, of course, I'm pregnant, of course. And then I look at this, the test is like no, no, you're not. I was like, oh, oh, okay. And so it was like I couldn't trust my body to do. Like, I didn't know it. I didn't know her anymore. But when we did get another positive test, eventually in November, I was so excited. I showed my husband and I was in tears. I was like, look, it's happening. This is our chance. And I got to love on that chance one week. And it happened at home. It's what's considered a chemical pregnancy, because it happened at five weeks before everything, you know, I don't know. But it happened at home. And I called the doctor's office, I said, I think this is what's happening. They're like, well, I could just be you know, spotting, we'll have you go take some labs and follow that. It's like, okay, I'll do it. And then later that morning, everything passed. And so they still want me to go do labs, and I did and it was the hardest thing. They lost my paperwork. So as I was leaving, I took the stairs and I was going down and I just like I just lost it. And the nurse came in or the lab tech came in. She's like I'm so glad I found you. We have your paperwork Arcos go get your labs drawn and I just, I just lost it. And she was, it's these little angels in disguise along the way, and she just hugged me. And she said, It's okay, honey, we all overflow sometime. So I eventually settled in, we went upstairs and, and I remember there was another person there that I clearly was not okay. He's like, are you doing all right? Are you okay? And I said, No, no, not. He said, Oh, okay. And he walked away. No one knows what to do. Yeah. crying woman. So yeah, so that loss was confirmed two days before, what would have been our due date with our first loss? Oh, wow. So November was a very hard month. And from there, I felt like the first loss I could, I found a way to breathe and I found a way to find peace. I was still struggling. I was navigating and finding my peace. And I think the second one, where it was nothing had actually formed yet, I wasn't sure how to grieve this loss. And that's so common with women with what's considered a chemical pregnancy. Because there's nothing like physical unnecessarily to grieve like the baby wasn't a baby yet. But it signifies a baby like it's just it's...

Leanna Laskey McGrath  26:03  

Yeah, it's like, do I do I have a right to grieve?

Kami Wernimont  26:06  

Yes, exactly. And from those months on, it's just my anxiety spiked. I struggled, I felt like I was walking through sledge I was everything was slow motion, I would busy my days and sleep, when I could sleep, and just going to going through it. And what really was a pivotal moment for me is when I started having a panic attack on the way home one day from work, I was gripping the steering wheel, because I felt like my car was going to move across the side of the road. Like I felt it and my car was perfectly fine. There was nothing wrong with it. It wasn't like a mechanical issue. It was my all of these irrational thoughts of what's going on, like all these bad things that are going to happen. And I pulled over and I called a friend and I was like, I don't know what it's happening. I could breathe. I was like, I think I'm having a panic attack, can you just help me, and she talked me down, and she helps me breathe. And that's where I started getting help. There are so many parts of my journey that I feel like I could write a book about it all, and I will someday, but there are so many touch points where these, these wonderful people would kind of weave their waves through and kind of lift me back up. And whether it was in those moments of I'm so sorry, I've been there or praying with me or reaching out? And how are you really, all of those things added up? And just being able to lean into that there were times where people are, how are you? Are you okay? And I said I'm okay. And the most Okay, since I'm not down here or up here, I'm just here. And so all of that led me to to know that there's something is needed, right? There's something needed and yeah, but it took me a long time. You know, I mean, that was 2018. It took me five years to get to this point to be ready, because I was so afraid of going back into the dark. But lightness will always overcome the dark. And that is why we're here.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  27:59  

Yeah. And what did it look like when you said the panic attack was needed for you to finally get help put it getting help look like?

Kami Wernimont  28:08  

it looked like searching for validation, validation. And that search took a while. That evening, I ended up taking myself to the ER because I was convinced that my I was having a heart attack or something was wrong with me and I was not okay. Yeah. And of course, I realized too, that when you go to the ER, they're not versed on heartbreak. They're versed on blood and broken bones, and physical trauma, physical stuff. He didn't know what he didn't know what to do with me. Yeah, he told me I was tired and I was sad. And I needed to get some rest boy, I wanted to punch him in the throat.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  28:46  

That's what the ER doctor said? Oh, my God.

Kami Wernimont  28:48  

That is what the ER doctor said. There's so much wrong with this. That is what the ER doctor said. And a social worker came in actually and started and talked to me and like she helped me breathe. And she gave me some recommendations for some places that I could go for support support groups and things like that. And I talked with her about what you know, what I had been through and, and what brought me in in there and panic attacks and things. Because in between there i a primary care doctor, I needed a new primary care doctor and I hadn't gotten one. And so I was able to get in with a friend of a friend's doctor and she saw me and she just like, Okay, we're gonna get you some help. And so I did, I started on some medication to help kind of take the edge off of things. And I started working more with my coach, I put on counseling and I wish I wouldn't have but I found myself navigating through that way. And you know, it was see that was 2019 and 2020. It wasn't until 2020 that we got pregnant again. But I truly believe that my body and my my mind, body and spirit all needed time to heal the trauma of it in in the grief and just you know, making it through and being able to focus on on my kids and being present with them. I felt they didn't get the best of me. They didn't even get like the okay establish me. During those times I had anxiety. So every time around, like I would be fearful of you know, taking them places. I would be fearful of you know, somebody taking them for me. Like I can't lose them. I can't. It was very real. It was very irrational.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  30:21  

That fear of losing another child. 

Kami Wernimont  30:24  

Yeah, of something happening. Yeah, the fear of losing my babies like, what is going on my pretty rose glasses were taken off. But they weren't replaced with clear ones. They were replaced with dark ones.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  30:36  

So then in 2020, you said you were pregnant again? Yes. And what was that like? Had you feel like you had kind of overcome the anxiety at that point? Or was anxiety, a big part of that pregnancy experience?

Kami Wernimont  30:50  

I felt like I had a better handle on it. I was no longer having panic attacks, I was still taking a low dose of medication, I lowered it once I found out I was pregnant, making sure that you know, everything's safe. There's actually a woman that is near and dear to me that she has walked this journey with women, their pregnancy after loss. And she really was a huge support during this whole time. And I leaned on her a lot for just, you know, helping me be settled. But yeah, I was fearful. And you know, 2020 is the year that the world shut down. There was that on top of it. And November of 2019, we also took this leap of faith, and we had decided to that we were going to move across the country for a job opportunity for my husband. So we moved from Ohio out west to Washington State. And that was like a no, this is not in our plans. We're not trying anymore. We're done here. And then lo and behold, this. As we sold our house, we were pregnant. And we moved across the country and at 11 weeks pregnant at that time, I had to go to appointments by myself, because of the pandemic, even ultrasounds, I had to go to my ultrasound Wow, there by myself, I will say that before I moved, I was able to get in with a doctor and have an ultrasound because I was worried about not being able to get one when I got it first got out there. So I had one at both five weeks and nine weeks here in Columbus and everything looks good and was healthy. I held my breath at every ultrasound, every appointment.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  32:23  

I was gonna say I can't I can't imagine having to go to those by yourself carrying that fear. And that past experience of you know, yeah, what you went through with the first one.

Kami Wernimont  32:35  

It was hard, I clung to hope. My mantra was faith over fear, faith over fear, over fear. And that was my mantra for a good two years during all of this and just clinging to it faith over fear every time and trusting what was going to happen. And I'll tell you what, when I went to that the ultrasound at 20 weeks, and they told me that we were having a baby girl, I just Oh man, I cried. But it wasn't like a like sobbing cry. It was like this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And this girl, let me tell you, She's a feisty one. And she is full of joy. And just she's our rainbow girl. The term rainbow baby. Is if you're not familiar, is what people refer to when you have a pregnancy, a full term pregnancy Devi after loss. I don't like that term for the longest time because you can't take out you can't replace my grief with another baby. You can have joy, and you can have grief. At the same time. I wholeheartedly believe that those two things coexist can coexist. It's hard, but it can coexist. The rainbow is less about taking the place of what you've lost, and more about the promises of life, about faith about about navigating it all and going through stormy waters and finding joy in coinciding those Yeah, together. It's not like oh, we have to have a storm to have a rainbow. No, it's It's not it. It's a tricky term for a lot of people and it was for me for a very long time.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  34:13  

How was that experience for you having that grief, such immense grief and such immense joy? Carrying those both at the same time?

Kami Wernimont  34:24  

It's making room, right? So it was not easy to do at first. Grief doesn't necessarily change. And I'll remember this image as I was going through some of these trainings and doing a lot of research on grief. What's your grief is a great resource for this. But there's this image of grief and grief, the size of your grief doesn't change right? From day one to day 1000 Your grief is there but what happens is you get to know it. You grow around it, you love on it. You go through the motions and you grow bigger around it. It's like expanding your tolerance, I guess for grief, expanding your tolerance to hold more. And I look back on it now as a period of time that was very hard and very dark, very a life changing pivotal moment chapter that I don't necessarily revisit every day. But I do think of, and that allows me to be present for what's here right in front of me, we did a as let the light and we did a one and four photoshoot campaign where we were inviting women in to share their story to commemorate their memorialize their loss, and just giving them the opportunity to be present where they are in this journey. And for me, I dug out some things to come with me and one of them was a onesie that I had bought before our first loss. And it was this little tiny little gray onesie that I bought on a clearance rack at Old Navy. Because I thought oh, this is this will be perfect. It's so soft. Oh, so soft. And I dug that out because it had been, you know, put away and I dug that out and in you it brought up so many feelings. But to be able to have a moment to hold this alongside, you know, I don't know, in this space to say I am one in four, I have experienced this and I've experienced it twice. And it just it you know grief has no timeline. It's interwoven forever in my life.

Kami Wernimont  36:22  

That statistic, one in four is that how many women experience 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  36:26  

One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. So that's 25 pregnancies out of 125% of pregnancies, many of the times, you know, it's also thought to be even more than that, maybe 26%. And the statistics are interesting, because it says, you know, one in four, or, you know, 25% 26% of pregnancies, but then it also says 10% of clinically recognized pregnancies. So not all losses are clinically recognized by a doctor. So how many times has a woman experienced a king chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage at home, and not gone to the doctor to have it recognized? So to me, those statistics are high. Yeah. And to also know that the experience post miscarriage and post pregnancy loss is, you know, you go and you have your blood drawn and do your ultrasounds, you make sure that things are going on you. You go through the medical aspect of it. And then with all of that said and done, you're done with your doctor, but there's still so much healing left to do.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  37:36  

Yeah, yeah, it sounds like there were some really pivotal people along the way that are maybe inspiring you to do this work. So like the nurses, the nurse, who who hugged you after the second one who cried with you in the first time, the woman who supported you during your fifth pregnancy? Is that kind of where the inspiration is coming from for you to do the work that you're doing now?

Kami Wernimont  38:02  

Absolutely. You know, even in our mission statement, it's it's building a compassionate community of people that can rally around and love on these women and support them and recognize them for what they are experiencing in this moment not having to put up a mask of how you're supposed to be everything's supposed to be just fine. You're okay now, yeah, no, no, we want to hold you where you are, and help you find the resources that will help you feel a little bit more whole. This work is not meant to take away the grief to take away the loss. There is no part of we know that we can't do that. Yeah, we can't do that part for you. Like we can't just say oh, here's a band aid and it's going to be fine, your your fix. We are not here to fix people. We are not here for that. But what we are here to do is support them and educate them and let them know what their choices and their options are and talk through their experience, be a resource provide a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder screenings. Because there is a postpartum period and anxiety and depression do exist. So being able to help them navigate this part of the journey, so that they can have a softer place to land. That's what it's about.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  39:15  

Yeah. You said earlier that one of the things that they would say is they would just be with you and they would ask kind of how are you? Really so I guess I'm just curious, like, if do you have any advice for if we have a friend or a coworker who's experienced a pregnancy loss? Because chances are we do you know the statistics are one in four. What can we maybe do to support them at you know, personally or in the workplace? What are some things that you have found in all of your learning from real life experience and from your training, and from this community that you're building that might be helpful for us to be able to support each other better?

Kami Wernimont  39:58  

I think the best thing that any of us can do is offer condolences. And say I am to say that I'm so sorry, can I bring you a meal? Can I drop something by for you, and also inviting them to be their own advocate? Well, I mean, we don't want to put more stress and pressure on a grieving person, because they don't know what they need right now. They really don't, we don't know what we need. And we're in deep and grief. But what we can do with this is we can ask permission, or we can say, Would you like to talk about it? There are times where somebody would ask me, would you like to talk about it? And the time and place just wasn't right for me? I said, No, I can't I can't talk about it right now. Because I will fall apart. But I would, I will talk to you about it over here. Because it's making room to fall apart.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  40:44  

I think that's a really good point. Yeah. Because I think sometimes especially at work, it's like I, you know, I want to acknowledge this, I want to be there for this person. But like, I don't want to totally disrupt their work day or throw them off if they're about to go on to a client meeting or something, you know, and so like, how do I make sure that I can show up for them and be there for them without like, I think maybe we have a fear sometimes of like that we're gonna make it worse for them.

Kami Wernimont  41:15  

Yeah. And it could go either way. To be honest, I could go, you know, when they're ready. It's like, don't forget that this existed. But also don't catch me off guard. Like, it's tricky. I, one of my co workers, she actually wrote me a note and said, I am so sorry that you're going through this, here is a song that made me think of you. And the note to me meant so much she gave me a gift to and I can't remember what it was. But this moment, my my mind just blanked with that. But I will always remember that the note was there. And she said, you know, if you want to talk about it, I'm here to talk. But if you don't, I respect that too. And I think in the workplace, like that's one of the most important things that you can do. And as a woman that went through this, if you need to tell your boss, or you need to tell someone just, you know, saying, I'm not ready to talk about this yet. But when I am, here's what I'll need, or, you know, it's that one step advocate, being an advocate of what you need in that moment. And knowing as somebody that is experiencing loss, I can't talk about this at work, or I will not get anything done. You know, but But it helps to know that you are supportive, and asking me once in a while and mine did every once in a while, it was are you doing okay? You doing all right? And I worked in a predominantly male workplace, that to me, like, knowing that they're not, they're not a bunch of people that show a lot of emotion. That meant a lot to me that just because I could always tell like, that's what he was asking, you know, are you doing okay? What do you what do you need. And so it's just those little little drop eyes of some beat, but being sincere, don't offer quick ways to try to fix it and make you feel better. Like don't say, everything happens for a reason. That's the worst thing you could ever tell a grieving person. If that's a conclusion that we want to make that is fine, but don't make that conclusion for somebody else. Because that's just heartbreaking again, but genuinely being sincere and saying I'm sorry.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  43:07  

Yeah. If someone is experienced, has experienced a pregnancy loss or is maybe feeling the effects later coming on down the road and showing up in panic attacks or things like that? What resources are available beyond? You know, like you said, there's the the medical aspect of things and the physical and that's important and necessary, of course. And beyond that, where would you recommend someone might start?

Kami Wernimont  43:36  

Well, I mean, my hope is that they'll start with us. But we are local to Ohio. But starting with us is one way because we can do an intake and just really talk about what you're struggling with and point you in a couple directions. When in doubt, always call your primary care doctor or your OBGYN any of those things and talk to somebody talk to a trusted individual, to talk them through it and really say be honest, this is what I'm going through. There are some really great additional miscarriage resources and pregnancy loss resources. The miscarriage doula Collective is great. And she is virtual and can help anybody all across the country. miscarried Help Desk is wonderful. Even psi is really good too. I mean, they primarily work with postpartum, but they also have resources for grief and loss. So and they have a 24 hour lines I believe that you can get through to them. Postpartum Support International is what it's called band aid. We primarily work with postpartum depression and mental anxiety disorders, all of those things.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  44:44  

But it sounds like, talk to someone 

Kami Wernimont  44:46  

Talk to someone, Yes.

Unknown Speaker  44:47  

Don't sit with this yourself. 

Kami Wernimont  44:49  

No. You shouldn't have to feel no one should have to sit with anything of this capacity by yourself ever. You don't have to be okay. You don't have to pretend that you're okay like you do. Let someone love on you. Right? Let somebody care for you, and be a support for you reach out.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  45:07  

What if I feel like I have no one who will support for me? Or love on me?

Kami Wernimont  45:11  

I think that's where you reach out to an organization organization such as ours, and say I need help. Yeah. If somebody were to say, hypothetically speaking, somebody had a miscarriage a year ago, and they're feeling right now, they're still lost in this, still call us. They'll call us and we will still meet with you. We are it's not when there's no cut off.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  45:32  

Yeah. So how do people find you, your organization? And you said, you're local to Ohio. So maybe can you help us understand like, what resources you provide for local residents versus if anything for people who are not local to where you are in Ohio?

Kami Wernimont  45:50  

Sure. So you can find us ltli.org Let the light in.org. We're on Facebook and Instagram. So for support locally, we can do in person visits, where we were going to be having office space soon where you can come in, we can work together, and we can talk together in building that community around you. And also some in person support networks, or support groups. And from there outside, we can also do virtual conversations, phone calls and meetings. And if somebody were to call us say, from where you are, and needing help, we may not be able to provide all the services that they need, but we will connect you somewhere to somebody that can I will make it my mission to find somebody that will support you. I will never shut the door on anyone that has experienced loss. Yeah.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  46:37  

Okay. Anything else that you want to share about your organization or this work?

Kami Wernimont  46:46  

Yeah, you know, we're getting ready to do our first event here in October for pregnancy and infant loss Awareness Month. And we're holding an international wave of like candlelight vigil. And what that international wave of light is that it actually started back in 2003. And all around the world, beginning in the first timezone. At 7pm, you light a candle in honor of those that you've lost. And that candle burns for an hour until the next timezone takes over, when it turns seven o'clock in their timezone. And is this beautiful wave, lighting up the world and bringing awareness and love to the babies that we love. And so we're doing that here, and we invite anyone who has experienced this, whether it was you or your children or your grandchildren have experienced this, or you're a care provider, or at any level. If you feel called to come and join us, we ask you to do that. And it's going to be here in Hilliard, Ohio.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  47:48  

And that's on October 15?

Kami Wernimont  47:51  

October 15. Every year, and if you cannot come to ours, if you're not local to here, then we invite you to light a candle in your home or together with some other people and be part of that wave. It's beautiful. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  48:02  

It is. I love that. Well, thank you. Thank you so so much Kami, for sharing your story, your journey. And thank you for the work that you're doing in the world. It's so inspiring and brave. And I feel so grateful that this word exists in the world for women because so many women need this support. So thank you.

Kami Wernimont  48:25  

Thank you. That means a lot. The hard heart work. We're doing it.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  48:28  

Yes. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you so much, everybody for tuning in. Have a great week!

Leanna Laskey McGrath  48:37  

Thanks so much for tuning into the executive coach for moms podcast. Please like, subscribe or follow the show so you'll be notified when the next episode is available. I hope you'll join me again next time. Take care

Transcribed by https://otter.ai