The Restorative Power of Female Friendships

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:00  

Welcome to The Executive Coach for Moms Podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host, Leanna Laskey McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic and certified executive coach.  

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:28  

Hi everyone. Welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for being here. I just got back from a weekend trip with one of my best friends from college and two of her other best friends, and it was a wonderful time. And I was reflecting on the plane ride home, and I just thought, I want to talk about this. I want to do a podcast episode on this. And so I wrote an episode on the plane about the restorative power of female friendship, because I think it's something that is underrated and often deprioritized. At least, I know that is something that I have certainly been guilty of de prioritizing over the years, and you may feel the same; like I've got work and I've got my family and that keeps me busy enough. How am I supposed to have time for anything else? I feel that so many of the women that I talk to, both my clients and my friends, feel this way and experience this, and yet, friendship is so life giving, and it's so important to have. And I read this poem the other day. It's kind of a long one called Don't Forget Your Girlfriends, and I want to read it to you, even though it is kind of long, and I wish I could give credit, but I don't know who actually wrote it, but I've seen it in multiple places around the internet. So I'm gonna share it with you, because I think the words are really powerful. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  2:15  

I sat on a summer day drinking iced tea and visiting with my mother. Don't forget your girlfriend's mother advised clinking the ice cubes in her glass. No matter how much you love your husband, you are still going to need your girlfriends. Remember to go places with them now and then and do things with them even when you don't necessarily want to. And remember that girlfriends are not only friends, but sisters, daughters, mothers, grandmothers and other relatives, too. Women supporting and relating to other women is our responsibility and our gift. What a funny piece of advice. I thought, hadn't I just gotten married? Hadn't I just joined the couple world? I was now a married woman for goodness sake, not some young girl who needed friends, but I listened to my mom, I kept in contact with my girlfriends, and even found some new ones along the way. As the years tumbled by one after another, I gradually came to understand that mom really knew what she was talking about. Here is what I know girlfriends bring casseroles and scrub your bathroom when you need help. Girlfriends keep your children and your secrets. Girlfriends give advice when you ask, sometimes you take it and sometimes you don't. Girlfriends don't always tell you you're right, but they usually tell the truth. Girlfriends still love you, even when they disagree with your choices, girlfriends laugh with you. And don't need canned jokes to start the laughter. Girlfriends pull you out of jams. Girlfriends don't keep a calendar of who hosted the other's last big party.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  3:56  

Girlfriends will celebrate for your son or daughter when they get married or have a baby, in whichever order that happens. Girlfriends are there for you in an instant, and when the hard times come, girlfriends will drive through blizzards, rain storms, hail, heat and gloom of night to get to you when your hour of need is desperate. Girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a friend. Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart. Girlfriends listen when your parents minds and bodies fail. Girlfriends cry with you when someone you love dies. Girlfriends support you, when the men in your life let you down. Girlfriends help you pick up the pieces, when men pack up and go, girlfriends rejoice at what makes you happy and are ready to go out and kill whatever makes you unhappy. Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Marriages fail. Love waxes and waits. Hearts break, careers end. Jobs come and go. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Men don't call when they say they will, but girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it for yourself, your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes they will even break the rules and walk beside you or come in and carry you out. My daughters, sisters in law, mother in law, nieces, cousins, extended family and friends bless my life, the world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead, nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day we need each other still. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  6:03  

Oh my gosh, I almost started crying while I was reading that. That was so beautiful, and I hope that you heard something in there that maybe resonated for you and maybe remind you of the importance of friendship. I think it's really important to remember that our relationships might evolve over time. They might look very different. This friend who I went on the trip with, she and I became friends back in college, and we were roommates, so we saw each other every day, and honestly at that time in our lives, like the most stressful things that we dealt with were studying for exams and navigating boyfriends and college relationships, and some of our biggest decisions were choosing what bar or fraternity house we were going to spend the weekend at and what we were going to wear. And then over the last, you know, 20 years or so, we've lived in all these different places, never in the same state. We've gone through grad school and law school and marriages and babies and all kinds of different life experiences, and obviously have navigated much bigger, more important decisions and life circumstances. So of course, our friendship looks different than it did in college, when we lived together and spent all of our time together. But it doesn't make it any less important or valuable or you know, it doesn't mean that we're not still really good friends. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  7:34  

I've been listening to a lot of Mel Robbins lately, and her podcast, the Mel Robbins podcast, and also her book that I'm currently reading, The Let Them theory. And in both of them, she talks a lot about adult friendships and how nobody really prepares us for how adult friendships are so different from friendships that we have throughout our childhood and into our early 20s. Those friendships are so easy because we're all in the same place physically and also the same place in life. And then after high school is over, there's this kind of great scattering, where everybody goes their own ways. And then, you know, if you go to college, then you might experience four more years of this friendship dynamic at college, where everybody's essentially in the same life stage and the same age and physically together. And then after that, there's another great scattering, and it feels just very unstable, because up until that point, we're just so used to everyone being in the same place, being in the same life situation and chapter of our lives, and we go through like all these progressions together. But then when we get out in the world, everybody's in different places or different ages and stages and locations, and it's like, what's, what's the protocol here? How do we navigate this? I've never even had to really think about friendship before or really put a whole lot of effort into it, because it was just always there and it was easy, and it just kind of happened without a whole lot of thought, and now it's so different. And so I just want to say that if you're feeling this, just know that you're not alone. Know that we are all navigating this world of adult friendships that feels so different than what we're used to, and it's challenging, and there's not a handbook for it. No one really prepares us for it. For, you know, everything completely changing in terms of friendship whenever school is over. And I think the reality is that friendship often looks very different in adulthood, but that also doesn't make it any less valuable. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  10:03  

Awhile back, I did an episode with Emily Siegel about friendship, and I'll link it in the show notes, but one of the things that she said that really stuck out to me is that not every friend is going to be a ride or die friend. We can have lots of different types of friendships, and none are more or less worthy of our time. All kinds of friendships are going to be life giving, or can be life giving little while, friends, work, friends, neighbor friends, parent friends, those relationships might all look a little bit different from our childhood or our college friendships, and I think often, because our brains love to do this kind of all or nothing thinking like we are ride or die, best friends forever or, you know, I don't really consider them a friend kind of thing. You know, maybe I just put them in the acquaintance category. But the reality is, is that we can have all kinds of friendships that look different than maybe the way we've defined friendship as we were growing up and as we were into our college years, whenever friendship was different, and friendship is just a bit different into our adult years. But I really, really think that female friendships with each other are so important for us to support each other and lift each other up. And I think that making time for them, making a conscious effort for them, it often feels like maybe it's just like one more thing that we have to do, but what we get back can be so much more than what we give our friendships, I think can be so life giving. So if you're listening to this and you're realizing, oh my gosh, I feel like I've been neglecting this area of my life. Just let this be your sign to reach out to a friend that maybe you haven't talked to in a while. How many times have you thought about reaching out to them, maybe about doing a girls trip or asking them to dinner or just having a phone catch up. I think that our brains like to do this thing where they tell us, Oh, they're too busy, or I'm too busy. They may already have their friend group. They don't have room for me. They have so much on their plate. And, you know, with work and motherhood, and I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to add another thing to them. But listen, we're all busy. It's true. We're all busy, and we can all choose to create room for friendship. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  12:35  

I did an episode about the Top Five Regrets of the Dying. It was a book written by Bronnie Ware, and I read it, and I just had to do an episode about it, because she was a palliative care nurse, and so she spent time with many people at the end of their lives, in their final days, and had lots of conversations and kind of collected over time, all of these stories, and wrote it into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. And one of the Top Five Regrets is, I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. I think everybody gets caught up in their lives. And I think also it's so important to remember that you can reconnect at any time. You can make new connections at any time it's absolutely available to you. Don't believe your brain when it tells you that you don't have time, or they don't have time, and also don't believe it whenever it tells you it's been too long, it would be weird to catch up, they're gonna think you're weird or something like that. I always say, don't believe everything you think. And I think this is another great example of some thoughts that your brain might offer that are not very helpful, that might actually lead to regrets later if you choose to believe these thoughts.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  13:55  

And one final thing I want to share about the importance of friendships is that there has been much research on this that has found that adults with strong social connections have a lower risk of several different health problems like depression and high blood pressure, and according to the Mayo Clinic, studies have shown that older adults with close friends and healthy social supports are likely to live longer. So if you needed another reason to reach out to an old friend and reconnect, or to go and connect with someone new, maybe you see another mom at pickup or at the bus stop and you think, you know, I'd really like to get to know her better. I think we could be friends. Then I hope that this helps to compel you to do that, because I think health and longevity are pretty good reasons to do that. So I hope this is compelling you to reach out to your girlfriends, bring in new girlfriends into your life. I think it's really important to remember that when we reach out, people are going to be so excited to hear from you. I mean, think about whenever you hear from someone that you have had a relationship with in the past and you haven't heard from them in a while, and it's so fun whenever they reach out. And so you can be that person, give that gift to someone that you love or care about. Give them a call, shoot them a text, they're going to be so excited to hear from you and remember your girlfriends. Thank you so so much for listening. I hope everyone has a wonderful week. Happy Birthday, Stef. Love you.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  15:42  

If you're loving what you're learning on this podcast, I'd love to invite you to check out The Executive Mom Reset. It's my six month coaching program for ambitious, success driven, career focused women who are ready to stop surviving and start thriving. Together, we'll tackle the stress, guilt and overwhelm that come with being a high achieving executive mom. You'll learn how to set boundaries, prioritize what truly matters, and build the confidence to show up powerfully at work, at home, and for yourself. Head on over to coachleanna.com right now to schedule a free discovery call. We'll spend an hour talking about where you are now, what you want to create, and how I can help you get there, because every woman deserves to live the life of her dreams. Let's create yours together.