Reclaim Your Power: The Game Changing Mindset Shift to Handle a Difficult Boss

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:04  

Welcome to the executive coach for moms podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host. Leanna Lasky McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic and certified executive coach. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:27  

Hi everyone. Welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for being here today. As always, I'm so happy that you're joining me, and if you are new to The Executive Coach for Moms Podcast community, welcome. I'm so happy you're here today, I want to share about a conversation that I had the other day where my client had a huge breakthrough. She called it a brain breaker and a game changer. She said it's going to impact not only how she shows up, but also how she coaches her team through interpersonal conflicts. And I just thought I have to share this with you too, because I think it's something that applies to our relationships at work and at home, and I really believe that it can be a game changer for everyone. So here's what my client realized. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  1:23  

She has a really kind of rocky relationship with her boss. It's a very challenging relationship, and he has a need for a very extensive level of detail. And when he doesn't have all the details, he asks questions, and for her, that feels like an interrogation. And when that happens, when he's asking all those questions, and she feels like he's interrogating her, her response is very defensive. Why? Because she's thinking things like, if he trusted me, he wouldn't be doing this. If I had provided all of the right information, then he wouldn't have any more questions. Nothing I do is ever good enough. He doesn't respect me. And so what we discovered in our coaching conversation was that she was working so hard to change his behavior. She was trying to provide more documentation and more justification up front to make sure that he wouldn't ask her all of the questions that she found so annoying, and she was spending so much of her time and energy trying to anticipate every possible questions so that she could have them answered beforehand, and then when he inevitably asked questions, like he did every single time she presented him with information, she would get so upset and so frustrated, and she would make it mean terrible things about herself. She would get herself into these thoughts spirals where she was beating herself up and just draining her energy and saying, like, what am I doing here? Nothing is good enough. I can't do my job right. You know, it's just never good enough for him. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  3:16  

And so we had talked about at the beginning of the session that the way that she wanted to show up at work was calm, confident and unbothered. And so I asked her, How could you create the results you want to create? How could you remain calm, confident and unbothered, even when he asks all of his questions? And this had never occurred to her to just let him do what he does, that maybe he is just a person who, no matter how much detail is presented to him, his brain is going to search for all of the holes and any possible things that are not answered, and he's always going to have follow up questions. That had just not occurred to her, that maybe that was just how he is, and not necessarily, that his behavior was based on what she was doing, how she was acting, even though she has collected years of evidence showing that no matter what she says or does that no matter how much she over prepares, he's going to ask more questions. And rather than making that mean what it means, that he's a person who asks a lot of questions, and just letting that be true, her brain continued operating on the assumption that, number one, she was the reason for the behavior, and number two, that she had the power to change his behavior. And her brain was spending so much time and energy trying to problem solve to find the answer to the question, what do I need to do to change his behavior that I don't like, that is making me feel terrible, that is upsetting to me, but it's the wrong question. Instead, her brain could get to work on solving a different problem. How do I show up the way I want to and produce the results I want to, independent of his behavior? 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  5:20  

Now I just want to say, of course, if the behavior that we're talking about is abusive or discriminatory or creating a hostile work environment, just let me be very clear that that is an issue that should be taken to HR or the appropriate chains of command and behavior change should be expected. Okay, I just want to throw out that caveat, because I believe that is important. But this is not that situation. This is not an abusive situation. And I think oftentimes in our relationships, we have these thoughts that if only this other person would change this thing about themselves, then we could get along, then I could be okay, if only they would stop doing this. Then this relationship could get better. And we set conditions for other people and put the way we want to feel on the other side of them doing something. We make their actions a prerequisite to us acting or feeling the way that we want to. So in my client's case, she believed the only way that she could achieve her goal of remaining calm and confident and unbothered was if her boss didn't ask any questions. But is that actually the only way she could feel calm and confident and unbothered? 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  6:45  

I want to introduce a tool that has been so helpful for me, and I believe will be helpful for you as well. It's from Mel Robbins, who has an amazing podcast, the Mel Robbins podcast, and is the author of multiple books. And Mel really teaches that no matter what's going on outside of you, the power is always inside of you. Her theory is two simple words, let them. "Let them" is the key to helping you see what's in your control and what's not in your control. How I would describe this is really we do not have control over how another person acts. We only have control over ourselves. So when your boss asks questions or does something that triggers you, say those words, let them. Let them have questions. Let them be who they are, let them do what they do. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  7:42  

And then comes the second part of Mel's theory, which is so important, and it is let me. Let me remind myself that I always have power. Let me bring my attention back to what do I have control over? What is in my power? My thoughts are in my control. My feelings are in my control. My actions are in my control. I get to choose what's worth my time. I get to choose what's worth my energy. I have so much power here. When we remember this, we can get out of the victim mentality, which is such an energy suck, and it's so painful and it's so unproductive and so unnecessary, and we can get back into the driver's seat, because I can decide whether I want to get upset about this behavior or if I want to choose a different response to it. Maybe I choose a response of curiosity, where I say, hey, you know, I noticed you always have so many questions for me, even when I feel like I've covered all my bases, what's up with that? I can be curious with my boss, or I can be curious with myself. This is so interesting that this is so triggering for me, I wonder why and do some exploration. Or maybe I want to ask my boss, hey, can you help me understand? It seems like you're often wanting more details. Is there may be something I could be doing differently, maybe present it in a different way to make sure that you have enough information? Or maybe I decide that I want to set a boundary with my boss of how or when the questions come. Or maybe I decide that I'm going to let him ask his questions, and I'm going to choose to not make it mean anything about myself. I'm going to let him ask his questions and remind myself that he's just the kind of person who asks a lot of questions no matter what. And instead of getting defensive and getting into a negative thought spiral of how I must not be good enough and just letting it totally drain my energy, I can just answer the questions and move on with my day, similar to how I might answer questions when someone else asks me something, and I don't get into that negative thought spiral. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  9:49  

Anytime we try to control another person's behavior, we just create stress and frustration for ourselves. And I think as high achieving, influential women, we tend to default to the belief that we can change other people. We believe that our influence can and should span to other people's behaviors, and sometimes maybe it does. But we also believe that when we can't change someone's behavior, it means we fail, or we've done something wrong. We take on the blame and shame of another person's behavior when it's actually not ours to hold. Your time and energy are so worth protecting. And let's be honest, as a busy working mom in a leadership role, you don't have time and energy to drain agonizing over other people's thoughts and behaviors, and you don't have to. You get to choose. Remember that my life is my responsibility. Responsibility means the ability to respond. And I think as humans moving in this super fast paced culture, we're often reacting rather than choosing a response. But it's so important to remember that we control our response, and that is where our power is. I want you to notice that every time we set up those conditions to get what we want or to stop getting what we don't want, and they're dependent on another person doing something, we are giving away our power. We are saying it's not in my control to feel okay. It's not in my control to remain calm. It's up to them. It's up to that other person to stop doing that thing so that I can feel okay, so that I can act the way I want to, when actually, you can decide to feel okay independent of their behavior. And that might mean a whole variety of things. It might mean leaving the situation. It might mean having a conversation. It might mean reevaluating how you want to think about their behavior, or it might mean slowing down and getting curious about why this is a trigger for you, and taking the opportunity to learn something about yourself and maybe what boundaries are important to you that you need to communicate. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  12:00  

But two things are for certain. One, someone else's behavior does not have to drain your energy. It does not have to ruin your day. And two, it is not your responsibility to change them. It is your responsibility to decide how you want to respond, you get to choose every single time. And I think that's such a beautiful thing. I think it's so empowering and so important to remember that we have so much power in choosing what we think, feel and do, in choosing how we respond to things and other people. I really hope that you're able to start shifting your focus, to let them and let me and remembering what you do and do not have control over. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  12:46  

If you found this helpful, please share it with a friend. Please leave a review. Feel free to reach out to me and connect on LinkedIn, and I hope you have a wonderful week. Thanks everybody for listening. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  13:00  

If you're loving what you're learning on this podcast, I'd love to invite you to check out the executive mom reset. It's my six month coaching program for ambitious, success driven, career focused women who are ready to stop surviving and start thriving. Together. We'll tackle the stress, guilt and overwhelm that come with being a high achieving executive mom, you'll learn how to set boundaries, prioritize what truly matters, and build the confidence to show up powerfully at work, at home and for yourself head on over to coach leanna.com right now to schedule a free discovery call. We'll spend an hour talking about where you are now, what you want to create, and how I can help you get there, because every woman deserves to live the life of her dreams, let's create yours together.