The Real Secret to Feeling in Control of Your Life

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:08  

Welcome to the executive coach for moms podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host, Leanna Laskey McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic and certified executive coach. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:29  

Hi everyone. Welcome back to the show, and thank you so so much for joining me today for episode number 65. It is fall here in the Northeast United States, and I am loving it. I don't know about you, but I just love this time of year. I lived in California, Florida, and Texas for 16 years, and while I loved living in those places, what I missed the most about living in Pennsylvania was the fall. I love whenever the leaves change. I love the smell of fall. I love the crisp, cool air, and I just think it's so beautiful, like I just love driving around and seeing all the leaves. I love the pumpkins. I love the food. I just made butternut squash soup yesterday, and so I hope that wherever you are and whatever season it's in there, that you are loving it. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  1:28  

So for today, I would like to talk about how we often have a tendency to believe that in order to feel better, in order to feel happier, in order to feel more fulfilled, we need to change something about our circumstances or our situation. This is a common thought error that so many of us have. It's kind of ingrained in us to believe because of our society, because of how capitalism works, and kind of tells us that in order to feel better, you need to buy this, or you need to invest in this, or you need to do this thing. It's always something outside of ourselves that will cause us to feel better. So if you've changed your situation or your circumstances, but you still continue to feel the same, you've changed your job, you've changed your partner, you've lost the weight, you've gotten the degree, you've moved to another town, but yet you still feel like something's missing, or you're still feeling unhappy, or you're wishing for more, then this episode is for you. And I think it's so important, because so many people do this, it is such a human thing to do, and it also causes so much suffering. We think that this thing or this person or this place or this job or this situation, this set of circumstances, is the reason that I'm unhappy or unfulfilled, or that something doesn't feel right in my life, and if I change that, then I'll feel happy and fulfilled. I just need to change that thing, or change that situation, or get a new job, or change my job status, and then I'm going to feel better. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  3:17  

But actually what happens is we change our circumstances, and we get really excited about that, and we do feel better for a little while. We feel better in anticipation of the change. We just keep saying like, soon as I get there, as soon as we make this change, as soon as we move, as soon as I get this start this new job, then I'm going to feel better. And so that lasts for the first few, maybe weeks or month or two during the honeymoon period, but then we go right back to feeling the same as we did before. Only now we have another added layer where we might pile on shame, because we tell ourselves that we just can't be successful in any situation, and we start to believe that we just aren't destined for success or happiness, because no matter where we are, we end up unhappy or unsuccessful or unfulfilled, and so we tell ourselves then and create the story that it's us, that we are the problem, and we just destined for failure, or maybe we start doubting ourselves and our decision making capabilities. So it's like we blame the decision, and we say, Oh, if only I had made a better decision and maybe didn't make that change, or maybe made a different change, then I would feel better, and so I must just be really bad at making decisions, and then we start to create that doubt in ourselves and prove to ourselves that we're just not good at making decisions. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  4:56  

So why is this? Why do we do this? Well, it's because we haven't changed our thoughts. We're taking the same thoughts with us from one situation to the next. We're kind of carrying our thoughts around in our brains, and unless we work on changing them, we're going to continue feeling the same way. Have you ever had that friend, or maybe you've been that friend who keeps jumping from relationship to relationship and just seems to keep finding the same kind of person over and over again, and you're like, ah, can't you see like you're just repeating the same pattern. Why does that happen? It's because, one, we believe that our circumstances are what create our feelings, and therefore, two, we believe that changing our circumstances will change our feelings. But if you've listened to this podcast before, you might remember me saying that circumstances are neutral and that it's our thoughts, not our circumstances, that actually create the feelings. It's often our thoughts about the circumstances. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  5:59  

So let me give you an example to kind of demonstrate this. I mentioned earlier that I love fall, and so in this example, the circumstance is fall. That's a neutral thing, right? There's nothing inherently good or bad about fall. It's just what each person believes about it or thinks about it. So some of my thoughts about fall are I love the colors of the trees. I love seeing the leaves change. I love the crisp fall air. I get so excited when it's football season and I get to see the Steelers play. I just love this time of year, and these thoughts create happy and positive feelings for me that make me say, I love fall. Someone else might think, Oh, crap, it's getting cold again. I hate the cold. That means we're getting closer to winter and it's gonna get it's gonna snow, and I just really hate this constant reminder in the fall that summer's over and everything's going to be dead soon. I see the leaves changing, and that means they're all going to fall off and die. I just wish it could be summer all year round. And so this set of thoughts about the neutral circumstance of fall are probably going to create less than happy feelings for them, right? They're not going to feel excited about fall. Whenever they see the leaves, the leaves changing, the neutral thing happening, they are going to think crap, and they're gonna feel dread or unhappiness or anger even. And so just notice how that different set of thoughts about the same exact circumstance creates a very different set of feelings, and that's why the same thing can happen, and everybody feels differently. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  7:52  

Another example is it's almost Election Day here in the United States, and at the end of that day, when we find out who has won, there are going to be some very different feelings and thoughts, right? Some people are going to be ecstatic, other people are going to be devastated, other people are going to continue to remain indifferent. And so those are based on our thoughts about the candidates and about the outcome of the election, right? The outcome of the election is an inherently neutral circumstance, and some people will have the thought the right person won, and other people will have the thought the wrong person won, and a whole bunch of other thoughts as well. And that's going to create a different set of feelings for each person. So again, just notice that circumstance is neutral, and it's the thoughts about the circumstances that create the feelings. Okay, so I want to point that out, just because I think it's so important to recognize the power of our thoughts and to recognize the fact that when we change circumstances, it's not going to just change how we feel. We also have to work on the thoughts so we can't change a circumstance or a situation and expect to feel better in the long term until we change our thoughts. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  9:09  

I'm currently doing another coaching certification. I did my International Coaching Federation or ICF certification back in 2017, and now I'm doing a certification through the Life Coach School or LCS. I just love learning new ways to coach and help people in different approaches, and you know that I can kind of bring to my clients. And so the modules that we've been working on recently have been all about relationships and how to coach people on relationships. And I want to share the definition that LCS uses for relationships, because I think it's kind of helped me to connect some dots, and it really relates to what we're talking about here. So LCS defines a relationship with another person as my sum total of my thoughts about them. So if you think about a relationship as the collection of thoughts you have about that other person, place or thing, then we can think about this in so many different ways. Looking at our relationship with work. For example, if I have thoughts about work like owners or leaders are only out for themselves, or I'm just a line on a spreadsheet, or the value I bring to work is how hard I work or how much I work, then it doesn't really matter where I go. I'm going to take those thoughts with me, or some version of those thoughts until I address them and start to work through them and decide what I want to think about work and create my relationship with work on purpose. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  10:39  

Similarly with a relationship with a romantic partner, what are my thoughts about roles within relationships? What are my expectations of my partner? Maybe I have a belief that relationships are hard or that they never last forever, because of something I learned from an early age from my parents' relationship, or maybe everyone around me growing up, got divorced, and so I just expect that every relationship is going to end badly. I'm carrying those thoughts and expectations with me wherever I go. So it doesn't really matter who the other person is, as long as I continue having those thoughts, I'm going to create the same result over and over and over again. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  11:20  

But the most important relationship, the one that shows up in all these different scenarios, of course, is our relationship with ourself. We take that with us everywhere we go. And so if we're using the same definition of a relationship, and our relationship with ourselves is just the collection of thoughts that we think about ourselves. So think about that for a minute. What do I think about myself? To really feel better in any situation, we really have to examine our thoughts about ourselves. Do you know what your thoughts are about yourself? Are you aware of them? Most thoughts are so unconscious. We think them without really any effort or intervention. It's estimated that we have 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day. 80% of these are negative. 95% of them are repetitive. So what are your repetitive negative thoughts about yourself? Do you have an underlying belief that you're not good enough, or an assumption that people don't like you. I remember whenever I started therapy and coaching and I was asked to start noticing my thoughts about myself, some recurring thoughts I had as a newer mom, an executive mom with a baby, where this is so hard, I don't think I'm cut out for this. Oh my god, how is anyone doing this? How are other moms doing this? This is so hard. And when you tell yourself these things all day, every day, right? Like you, imagine that you have someone just whispering these things into your ear over and over and over again. Then of course you're going to start believing them. Of course you are, and just a reminder that those things are all thoughts. They are not circumstances. I think a lot of times we conflate our thoughts and circumstances. We think that the sentences in our brains are true and that they are facts, but no, they've gone through the filter of our brains and applied meaning, and they are simply thoughts. They are sentences in our minds, and they're causing us to feel a certain way about ourselves. So in order to change how we feel, we must examine our thoughts, and we must ask ourselves, is this what I want to be thinking about myself every day? 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  13:40  

And then, of course, the next logical thought is, what do I want to be thinking about myself every day? What can I believe about myself? What do I want to believe about myself? We have the power to change and create our thoughts, but first we have to notice our current thoughts and get really curious about them. So here's what I always recommend to my clients as a step one. Step one is to start to notice your thoughts and write them down. There are a couple different ways to do this. So the two ways that I usually recommend are either to throughout the day, have the Notes app on your phone, or have a pen and paper or on your computer, just have something where whenever you think a thought about yourself, just write it down. And do that for a week or two. And just write all of them down and then take a look at them and look for patterns and look for recurring thoughts. What are you constantly telling yourself? And it's so interesting because I think we have this assumption that we'll remember like, if we think of it in the moment, then we'll remember it. But the reality is that after a million other thoughts come through our brains, we don't remember that one. So it's so important to write it down and look back on it. I remember whenever I did this exercise. And I continue to do this exercise periodically. It's really, really interesting to see, you know what's coming up. And a lot of times you like, have no recollection of writing that down. So write it all down and take a look at it all together. And then the second way to do this is a thought download. So you just set a timer for five minutes, and you just write every thought that comes to your mind during that time, do that a few times a day, throughout the day, and then read them all together. And then what we need to do next is just to get really curious. There's no need to pile on additional judgment of ourselves, I think a lot of times then we're like, you know, the next thing is, we start to judge ourselves for being so negative, but understand that this human it's very normal. We all do it. So we don't need to pile on additional judgment or guilt or shame. Basically, what's happened is our brains have gotten programmed by our upbringing, our society, our culture, the things we've learned and internalized over our lifetime by a comment a boss made to us 15 years ago, by something a parent said to us when we were five. We have all these different things programmed in our brains, And then that is essentially what's running our lives, what's creating our reality, because our brains are filters of the circumstances, and they're creating the thoughts for us, and we are believing them. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  16:32  

And then the next question to ask is, which of these thoughts do I want to continue thinking, and which of these thoughts do I maybe want to prove untrue or stop believing? And what thoughts do I want to intentionally create? Because until we start to pay attention and spend time intentionally deciding what we want to think, we're going to continue believing that we need to change something outside of ourselves in order to feel differently on the inside, we need to change our situation or our circumstances before we can feel better. But no, no, the change comes from within, not from outside of us. We hold the power. And the reason I recommend doing this is because if you hold these beliefs about yourself and no matter where you go, you're going to continue to create the same results. If you believe that in order to have value in the world, you have to work hard, then you're going to be chasing your value no matter where you are, whether you're employed at this company or that company, or seven other companies, whether you're a full time parent, whether you're running your own business, it doesn't matter. You're going to continue having those thoughts about yourself and your work and your value, and that will have you overworking and feeling unfulfilled no matter what kind of work you're doing or who you're working for. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  17:58  

So here's what might come up, or what might get in the way of you being successful in this. And this is very normal. Generally, it might be kind of painful to look at these things right, and to kind of revisit them. And I think a lot of times we're like, Oh, if we just don't pay attention to it, that will be way less painful. I don't want to have to bring it up. I don't want to have to really look at it, and that's fine, and I get that, and it's totally an option. But just know this, these thoughts are running in the background, whether you're aware of them or not. These thoughts are creating your life. They are making you feel the way that you feel, and so if you feel like you're very rarely feeling great, or you you're not happy about where you're at in life, then just know that choosing to not look at them means that you're going to continue creating those results. And if that's what you want, that is totally available to you, but until you get a handle on them and really start to do the work to uncover the thoughts and then decide what you want to think on purpose, your thoughts are going to ruleyou instead of the other way around. You will continue creating the results that you don't want, and you won't understand why, and you won't have the power to change them, I highly, highly recommend partnering with a coach and or therapist throughout this process. It's so helpful to have a trained guide to kind of look at these thoughts with you, to help you recognize patterns where you might be changing circumstances rather than thoughts, and expecting that that is going to get you the results that you want. Both a therapist and a coach can help you notice and examine your thoughts. A therapist can really help you heal traumas from your past, and a coach can help you to set goals and take action toward creating the life that you want. So that's why I personally love having both a coach and a therapist for myself. Because I can address kind of the past with my therapist and the future with my coach. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  20:06  

And of course, if you're interested in embarking on this work with an experienced and certified coach, I would invite you to head on over to coachleanna.com to schedule a no cost, no obligation, consultation call so we can kind of talk through all this and figure out what your goals are. And of course, I would love to talk to you. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  20:25  

So I hope this gives you some valuable things to consider, remember, you hold the power to create your feelings. It is within you, not outside of you. And when you start doing this work, you can create the kind of life that you want to live, and it feels like you're driving, like you are creating your life on purpose, rather than having your life created for you. So I invite you to this work. It is life changing and so highly, highly impactful, and I hope that you will consider giving it a try. All right, have a wonderful week, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'll see you next week. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  21:13  

Thanks so much for tuning in to the executive coach for moms podcast. Please like, subscribe or follow the show so you'll be notified when the next episode is available. I hope you'll join me again next time. Take care.