Unwrapping the Mental Load of Holiday Burnout for Moms - with Laura Laskey

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:00  

2023 is winding down, although it kind of feels like it never ends. Do you feel like your to do list is just never ending or, like you have to keep doing and moving forward and there's never any time to slow down or stop or take time for yourself? Are you afraid of what will happen if you do? So you kind of just put your head down and push forward telling yourself, I just have to make it to this next thing, and then I'll get a break. But then the next thing comes. And then the next thing comes, and you just keep pushing forward and pushing and pushing and pushing. And then at some point, you realize, this is your life? This is it. There's no change in sight. And you wonder, can I keep doing this for the next 30 40 50 years? Do I even want to? Is this how I want to live my life? When do I get to start enjoying my life? What if it's too late when I finally can, I believe it's so important for us to actually enjoy our lives, to stop living with our heads down, trudging pushing forward. And for what purpose? We have the gift of this one and only precious life and we get to decide how we want to use it. When you get to the end of it and look back, will you be happy about how you spent your time, your energy and your focus? Or will you have regrets where you wish you had done it differently. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  1:28  

If this sounds at all familiar to you, I'd like to invite you to join my January reset program for high achieving women. Here you'll join a community of like minded and like valued, driven ambitious women who are all working so hard, whether it be in their jobs and their families, in their communities. And like you, they're often forgetting about themselves, I want to invite you to spend four hours with me in the month of January 2024 with me in this group to focus on yourself for a change, focus on you so that you can live the life you want so you can enjoy it. And I promise you that not only you but everyone else around you will be better for it. We'll meet weekly, and I'll share some things that I've learned and some teachings as well as doing some coaching of folks in the group. And then we'll also have an online group to chat asynchronously, so we can support each other in our goals. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  2:29  

I love the energy and optimism that the new year brings. We set so many goals for ourselves, we start off the year strong. And then we end up judging ourselves when we fail or when we let some of those things go by the wayside. I want to encourage you to try something differently this year so that you can continue to meet your goals all year long and stop judging yourself and being so hard on yourself when you don't. If you've ever had the thought, I need to focus on me for a change or I just can't keep going on like this or I need to change. This is a perfect way to start off the year on the right foot, committing just a little bit of time to focus on you. So please head on over to coachleanna.com/january2024 to register and use the code podcast for an exclusive discount only available to my podcast community. I can't wait to see you there.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  3:33  

Welcome to the executive coach for moms podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host Leanna Laskey McGrath former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic and certified executive coach. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  3:55  

Hi, everyone, welcome back to the show. Thanks so much for joining me on this week between Christmas and New Years. I am here with my sister today, Laura Laskey. She's back with me. You might remember her from our Barbie episode back in the summer time. If you haven't listened to that one and you saw the movie, go back and check it out. You can hear Laura dropping lots of wisdom there. And today we are going to talk about holiday burnout. So we are actually recording this on Saturday, December 23. Just because we need a little time for editing and production and all that. And oh yeah, there are holidays coming up in between now and the release date of December 28. So we want to talk a little bit about just what is on our plates, mom's plates, during this holiday season, this magical time of year, and also kind of the mindsets that we have because that is kind of what we do have control over. And so we just want to kind of talk through all of them and talk about just how normal it is and how prevalent it is. And if you see yourself in any of these things, I would love to hear from you. Because it's so nice whenever we know we're not alone in these that like, it's not just me, it's not just Laura, but other people are experiencing these feelings, too. And I'm seeing a lot of it on social media. But I'm also seeing a lot of, we need to put ourselves first and kind of like ways to combat it. And our goal today is really just talk about it and not be solution focused at this moment. Maybe we'll be solution focused next week, after the holiday after Christmas Eve and Christmas, for us are big ones in our family. So we're very excited about this conversation and appreciate you all joining us. So welcome, Laura.

Laura Laskey  6:00  

Thank you. Hi, everyone.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  6:04  

Great to have you back. So first, we wanted to talk a little bit just about all of the things that are on our plates around the holidays, I know everyone's celebrating many things. Everyone celebrates a little bit differently. Everyone does different things. So like some of the things that are we're feeling stressed about might be different from things that you're feeling stressed about. And probably there are lots more things than what we've thought about. Because there's just, there's just a lot during this holiday season. And actually, back in November, I did an episode with Emily Hardy about experiencing the holiday magic and enjoying it, and prioritizing ourselves and that kind of thing. And I went into this holiday season with those intentions. And at times it worked out. And at other times I was you know, just like crying in the shower, because that's like the holiday. Number one, I think that's okay, because life is 50/50. And sometimes we're gonna be like, on top of the world. There were some weeks in December where I was like, I am on it like I am wrapping and buying, like, I've got my list going like I've got all my plans. I'm working out. I'm on top of everything, and then others where I was like, everything is falling apart.

Laura Laskey  7:39  

It's like a movie montage where they're showing somebody who's like, Okay, I got this, and then they're like, Oh, like this back and forth throughout the season. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  7:52  

Yeah that's how it's been for me. I think like since mid November. Kind of ups and downs. How about you, Laura?

Laura Laskey  8:01  

Definitely. Every year, I feel very prepared. I tend to do my Christmas shopping on like Amazon Prime days and stuff. And I think, Oh, I got this, like I got the gifts. They're all in order. And then like, as I get closer, I'm like, Oh my gosh, but what about the teacher gifts? And what about the bus driver gifts? Because we really love our bus driver, and things like that. And then I'm like, oh, no, oh, no, I'm so far behind. You know, like I started on top of it. And then it just is like a spiral all the way up until Christmas day. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  8:39  

Yeah. 

Laura Laskey  8:39  

Yeah. It's a whirlwind. Lots of ups and downs.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  8:42  

Yeah. Yeah, well, I think it starts in the fall with like, we've got a schedule the photographer for the photos for the holiday cards. And so finding a photographer is so nice once you find one, and you can just keep using it. But finding a photographer, getting on the schedule, getting the outfits, making sure everyone looks good together, and they fit, right. And all of those things. Those I feel like are generally mom tasks. Maybe if you are fortunate enough to have like a personal assistant, which I feel like we all should have a personal assistant for the holiday. If anyone's looking for it for a business that they want to create, like do that I would love to have a personal assistant. But I don't have like managing all of that. And then ordering the cards getting making sure the addresses are all up to date. And by the way, I skipped all of that this year. So 

Laura Laskey  9:45  

Yeah

Leanna Laskey McGrath  9:46  

But that is usually where it starts for me. Well,

Laura Laskey  9:49  

I'm not a great person about cards, but I also know that there are people who are like no, you send the card, like you always sent the card and that makes me feel really guilty about not sending the cards because there's that like, idea out there like, No, you, you send the Christmas cards, period. And that is not me, unfortunately. But I feel guilty about it.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  10:14  

I know honestly, I think that everything comes in steps. So it's kind of like step one is to release some of these responsibilities and just say like, no, like I prioritize, I'm not doing it this year. But what usually happens, the first time we do that is then like all the guilt that comes with it. Right? And like all the should haves and the like, every time I get Christmas cards and holiday cards, I'm like, when did they have time to do that? Right. And then it's like, kind of like, why don't I make time to do that? And so yeah, I think that's like step one. And step two is not doing it and also releasing the guilt. I feel like I have, because I haven't done holiday and Christmas cards the last few years. But I do feel bad whenever I get a card from like, people keep sending cards, which I'm like, so I love getting the Christmas cards, but I'm like, oh, I need to send you one in return. Right? I feel like kind of that obligation because of course, like, we've been raised that way that you know, you want to make sure that you reciprocate, and don't leave someone hanging. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  11:20  

So it's like, yeah, I think there's that idea that like, oh, I'll just drop some of these things this year. But then there has to be like a real investigation of am I willing to deal with, like the guilt that I'm gonna feel as a result of that, right? It's like everything, it's just a choice. It's either, like, do the cards and know that it's gonna be you know, a bunch of tasks and coordination and take time, or don't do the cards, and feel all the feelings that come along with that, and the comments from folks, if you get comments, or the comments in your head from, from your parents or whoever telling you, you know, we always reciprocate that kind of thing, right? It's like, you've got a choice to make there with with all of these things. And I think that if we kind of like make the choice without expecting that we're there, some of those feelings might come up with it, then we just need to like recognize that it's a package deal a little bit, at least the first time or the first few times.

Laura Laskey  12:25  

For sure. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  12:27  

And then we get into the decorating, finding all the decorations, digging them out from storage and getting the tree scheduling that figuring out when you're going to do that and putting the lights up, like scheduling a day for it. And advent calendars and making sure that's like ready, and we do this is something like I know is a choice that we make, but it's important to us. So we actually wrap 24 books like holiday, Christmas and winter books. And we wrap them up and put them under the tree on the night before December 1. And then we she unwraps one each night, and we read it. And I love that tradition. And so we started that when she was like, two. So I don't want to change that. But it is like you know, it's like a lot of work to wrap 24 books. But whatever we're doing for like advent, again, it's just like something we have to think about, make sure we order the thing or set the thing up sometime before it happens and that we're ready for it. And I think what we are kind of alluded to, but all of this adds to like the mental load. And it's just so heavy. I feel like that mental load during the holidays, because it's just I feel like it's so much to remember, there's like so much going on constantly.

Laura Laskey  13:52  

It is so much and I think at least in our family, you know, my husband will do anything that I asked him to do. But he's not planning it. He does not have to think about it until the actual moment of doing it. Like he, he will go and he will put the lights on the house and he will, you know, help me get up the tree and everything and he'll bring the boxes out and everything like that. But when it comes to actually like planning everything, and you know, knowing what day you're going to be doing that and coordinating and everything, that feels like it is all me. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  14:37  

Yeah. 

Laura Laskey  14:37  

And that is so overwhelming.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  14:40  

I feel that as well. My husband is great about asking like what can you do to help? And sometimes I'm like, the thing I want you to do to help is to know what is needs to be done?

Laura Laskey  14:52  

Exactly. The most helpful thing you could do is to know and do it.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  14:58  

But at the same time, I don't want to give it up. So I think that that adds to it because it's like, I don't want to carry this load. But also I don't want to, you know, like, really, if I think about it, like, what would it look like instead? Maybe it's that, like, we break up the tasks, or something like that. But like, overall, like, it's not like, I just want to fully give them all up, you know, it's like not-

Leanna Laskey McGrath  15:27  

Definitely.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  15:28  

And the reality is, is that when we do break up the tasks, I often still keep my head wrapped around whatever is going on whatever's happening there, too, right? Like, it's just because it's hard to think about, like, not caring at all, not knowing everything that's going on.

Laura Laskey  15:52  

Well, it's all it's hard to trust, I think that it's going to be done the way you, er, not the way but like at the level that you expect it to be done. And that it's just going to be done at all, because we're all forgetful sometimes.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  16:10  

Yeah, well, it's the same thing that we talked about earlier with deciding, it's like, we can choose to do it all. And the consequences that come along with that are like our mental load is heavy, we're going to feel stressed out, we're going to cry in the shower sometimes, right? Like, like, whatever comes along with that. Or another option is that, like, we can delegate some of the tasks or like break up some of the tasks. And like consequences come with that too where, you know, like, we recognize that like someone else is going to do things differently than us. And like, we have to make a decision if we're okay with that or not. Because you're right, like sometimes it's more stressful, like wondering like, did they get it done? Is it going to be done? Well, like to my standard? Yeah, absolutely. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  17:00  

It's interesting, I just ran a group coaching program that just wrapped up a couple of weeks ago, and I was coaching one woman on something that was happening at work that we identified happens both at work and at home. So because of perfectionism, we tend to believe that like we should be on top of everything, and everything should be done, quote, unquote, perfectly all the time. And so when we're in a meeting, for example, and we are talking about a project that we're running, or something that we're doing, and someone asks a question that we didn't think about, or asks for data that we haven't prepared, it's like, immediately, we feel kind of defensive, oftentimes. And so that's what I was coaching her about, because she was like, as soon as they asked for this data, I felt like I owed this big, long explanation about why I didn't have it done, because I am juggling all these other things. But really, what it came down to was that she expected herself to be on top of everything and was kind of frustrated with the other person, because it was like, That person was believing that she wasn't on top of everything. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  18:17  

And we talked about how that shows up at home as well, where like, we're juggling all these things. And then if our partner asks, oh, did you get this gift for somebody yet? Or like, Do you know what we're taking to the potluck, or whatever it is? And then oftentimes, we feel threatened and defensive, and kind of like, I have found myself snapping at my partner, because I'm like, of course, I'm on top of it, I'm on top of everything like, how could you possibly think that I wouldn't be on top of that? And it's even worse, if I didn't think about it yet. Or it didn't give me like, oh, shit, Leanna? Like, how could you not have been on top of that? Right? So I think it's interesting too just how that can show up for us of like, we expect of ourselves like we hold ourselves to such a high standard. And then it can sometimes cause some interesting relationship dynamics whenever someone else is like, Hey, did you get that or like, just like asks us any question about any of the things that are floating around in our brains? Do you find that too?

Laura Laskey  19:27  

I definitely find that to be true. I mean, even if it's like, I know that I haven't thought about it, or I know that I need to deal with it and come up with it. But like, that hasn't been a priority. Even then, when I get asked about it, it's frustrating because it's like, Listen, I'm going to get to it, but I had all these other things to get to first, so stop asking me because I will get there but this is not the time  that I need to think about it. And that's just making me more stressed out that you're asking me about it.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  20:01  

Yeah, exactly. So I think most of what we talked about so far, some of it is probably universal, but probably more Christmas focused. Since we celebrate Christmas, obviously, not everyone is celebrating Christmas and different people are celebrating different holidays. But these things are probably universal if you've got school aged children, so there's the teacher gifts, you mentioned, the bus driver gifts, the aid gifts, all the gifts to get for the educators, and people who you know, the adults that your child interacts with the activity, teacher, gifts, the gymnastics teacher, all of the things, so the coaches, and then there's like the classroom stuff. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  20:52  

So a lot of times, there's like that holiday party, and then you've got to bring something for all the kids. And you've got to think about what that is. And then you've got to like, make sure they know it's from your kid. So like, do you need to print a label or write out 25 labels or whatever, and getting that all together? And then it's like, should I volunteer at the class party, I want to do that. And then you know, that means time away from work or time away from my other obligations. And if I don't do it, too, I feel guilty about not doing it, and I should be there with my kid, I should take time away from work even though I'm trying to wrap up the year. You know, it's like that whole classroom dynamic. And like those expectations around like having your kid at school, not to mention like the 25 million different theme days now that that we're having. I keep seeing memes that are like moms are right in the thick of the holidays and trying to get everything done. And then they get a message from school like dress your kid like a Grinch tomorrow. It's like, who has a Grinch costume lying around, you know. And so you have to like also, again, that mental load, like keep track of all of the frickin days at school and what they're supposed to wear and getting outfits for all of them and making sure that outfits are clean. And making sure you can get your kid to wear them. And, uh.

Laura Laskey  22:25  

Well, definitely as I mean, even just like pajama day, like where are your Christmas pajamas? Well, my kids been wearing their Christmas pajamas since the day after Thanksgiving. So now I have to make sure that I have them washed for this specific day. And then if they're not, then like, my kids probably gonna be really upset with me.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  22:46  

Yeah, And I find that's just like, one more thing that's floating around in our heads that adding to that mental load of like, trying to remember all of that. 

Laura Laskey  22:55  

And like you said, we don't, it's not that we don't want to do it. Because I think it's so fun for the kids to have these themed days at school. I think that, you know, when I was a kid, that was really fun for me to participate in. And I love that my kids get to do that. And so I don't want to not have them be participating. But man does it add to all of the other things that are going on, and you know, even more mental load to deal with. And it just can be so stressful, even though I really want them to have that magic and fun. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  23:32  

Yeah, exactly. And it's that kind of idea that like, we are the ones that have to make sure that they have that fun. Like that's not a ball that we can drop, right? But honestly, it feels like so many things around the holidays are not balls that we can drop. And if we do drop them, we're gonna feel like really bad about ourselves if we do. 

Laura Laskey  23:55  

Right. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  23:56  

So then there's all like the, we're talking about events at school, then there's all like the events at home, and with our families. So like coordinating all the family plans, and are we hosting and then all the stuff that comes along with that meal planning, the cleaning the house, the coordinating what everybody's bringing the timing, all of it, and then the order of events, if we're going somewhere else. So we actually host Thanksgiving, and we don't host at Christmas, because we try to like take off that but every year I'm reminded that like, still, I have to figure out like what am I bringing and what am I making and you know, just like coordinating all of the meal stuff. And also, outside of like the family events. It's like, we're going to a Christmas Eve lunch thing. And so then we're like, I was like, Oh man, we got to figure out dinner on Christmas Eve like we're not going to want to make a big meal. I don't want to have to, no store's gonna be open like so. Just Like coordinating all of the holiday events, and then like all the holiday events leading up to it, like the gift exchanges and the parties and the company parties and things like that. And it's like making sure we have outfits for all of them. If our kids are going, making sure that we have outfits for them, making sure that we have special snacks for them if needed, and that we naptime appropriately so that they're they can enjoy it, and we can enjoy it. And if they're not going then lining up childcare, just all these holiday

Laura Laskey  25:32  

Probably getting a gift for the person providing the childcare. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  25:36  

Yeah, and getting a hostess gift and bringing the gift for the gift exchange. Yeah, it's a lot. And then, obviously, like the presents if we're doing presents, family exchanges, kids, partners, etc, and then wrapping all the presents. And I think sometimes we might divvy out, you know, like with our partners, what they're who they're buying for who we're buying for. But generally by default, I feel like it's, I buy for everybody. And then my husband buys for me. And like maybe a little bit for his family.

Laura Laskey  26:15  

What I chose to do for my birthday this year, was to stay at home with my husband, and wrap presents for the kids. Because you know, we have to also coordinate hiding presents and not letting the kids see theirs and not letting your partner see theirse isn't when when are you going to wrap this so that you can make sure that nobody sees whatever presents they aren't supposed to be seeing. But also maintain your daily family plans? And yeah, it's it's a lot.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  26:51  

Yeah, well, I think so the last few things there's like, are we gonna see Santa this year getting outfits making those plans, are we making cookies, we're not like a big cookie eating household in general. And so I like don't think to make cookies, but I don't know, some people make like, dozens and dozens and dozens of cookies. We're also from Pittsburgh, where like at weddings, we have cookies everywhere. So I don't know that might not be universal, but making all the cookies, making sure the house is clean. So that like when you take pictures, it looks decent. And then on top of all of that, if you are a working parent then also thinking about like wrapping up the year, depending on your field, of course, your each quarter, the last couple of weeks of each quarter are always kind of crazy trying to get it wrapped up. And not only are you wrapping up Q4, but you're also wrapping up the entire fiscal year generally. And so just trying to balance all of that it's just, it's just so much.

Laura Laskey  27:57  

And on top of all of that, then there's the budgeting because this can be a really, really difficult time to manage finances, when you do have all of these extra things that you have to purchase and all of these extra plans because, you know, gas alone, we all know that price has gone up. But then gifts, and then outfits cost and photographers cost and you want everybody to get like equal amounts of gifts. And so you have to maintain that budget on top of your normal budget. And you know, buying all the ingredients to make the cookies, especially as a family, like, you know we are with that don't eat a lot of cookies, you wouldn't typically be buying these things to make cookies. So that's on top of all of that. 

Laura Laskey  28:46  

And then I personally am a crafter, I always add to my pressure by making gifts for people. And I have to get the materials for that. This year, I'm super stressed out because I'm way behind. And some of the things I'm making require a lot of extra time. And now I don't have it anymore. And that's super fun to deal with. But you know, many people I think are struggling at this time of year, you know, in a in a finance way, because it's been a difficult couple of years anyhow. And um,

Leanna Laskey McGrath  29:22  

Yeah. 

Laura Laskey  29:22  

That certainly adds to it too. Because you know, you want to maintain that magic, but still maintain your budget.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  29:28  

Yeah, well, we talked about the holiday events, but like yeah, taking your kids to see all the light shows and all of those things and, and I think that a lot of this is like societal pressure. But it is like we just keep adding more and more stuff. And we don't take anything away. So like we continue to add like all of the theme days at school. That wasn't a thing whenever we were kids like I don't know, maybe we were dressed up one day I don't remember having to dress up all the time at school, and have like different costumes and outfits and stuff that like 100th day of school where you dress up like an old person, like, we definitely didn't do that, like, there's so many more 

Laura Laskey  30:13  

Definitely.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  30:14  

Like we had spirit week during homecoming. But that's like the only time I really remember dressing up. And it was like, PJ day or like, Crazy hair day like not always things that you had to like, go out and buy or make a costume kind of thing or so I just think we keep adding and adding and adding like as a society, and we don't take expectations off the table. So like, still, whenever I hear about not sending Christmas cards, it's usually from folks from an older generation, because that's still an expectation from that generation. But like, maybe it's not something that we carry forward, I don't know, or, you know, maybe there are some of these things that we don't need to carry forward, if we're going to add a ton of other shit on top of everything, because it's just not possible to balance all of it.

Laura Laskey  31:08  

I think that's a really important point. Because I know like, for us, the way we were raised, Christmas was pure magic. At least that's my perspective. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  31:18  

Agreed.

Laura Laskey  31:19  

I want to be able to carry that on for my children. But because of all of the things that just keep getting added, it feels more and more overwhelming, and not that our mother was not overwhelmed, because I am certain she was and she rocked it. But like, we also have, like you said just more and more being added on while still, you know, taking those older traditions along with us. And so I also wonder sometimes, like, what should I do and not do so that my kids feel the magic of Christmas, but then also maybe don't feel the same pressure? 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  32:03  

Yeah.

Laura Laskey  32:03  

to have everything when they're older. And you know, family are not just celebrating Christmas as an adult when you are then responsible for all of it.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  32:13  

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's a double edged sword, right? Because I think part of the reason why I feel so much pressure to make the holidays magical, especially Christmas, is because mine was so magical when I was a kid. And I want yeah, I want my daughter to have that same kind of experience. 

Laura Laskey  32:33  

Definitely. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  32:34  

And like you said, I don't want her to like carry forward that expectation of herself for her kids. Because, according to her, she's gonna have like, 20 kids and be a mom. So it's interesting, because mom's gonna listen to this, for sure, especially since both of us are here. And Mom, thank you for making our holiday so magical. And Chris was so magical. I'm not. 

Laura Laskey  32:57  

Yes, thank you. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  32:58  

I'm not saying that I wish you hadn't, you know, but it's yeah, it's like, I want to continue that magic and continue some of those traditions. But it's just hard with so much being so many more things being added. 

Laura Laskey  33:10  

It is hard. I, personally, sometimes have a hard time because I really like traditions. And you know, I have a daughter who's nine, and a daughter who's two and a half. And it's so important to me that they both get to experience Christmas especially, the same way throughout their years growing up, even though it is a significant gap. And things are always changing, you know, your your families change, and plans change and the things they do at school are different. And I personally struggle with that. Because I am such a like traditional person in the sense of if I create a tradition, I want that to carry through. And so much of what I had growing up is important to me to pull into, you know, my family's traditions now. But then when there's somebody who needs to change them, or there's something happening that does change them, that then is also stressful for me, because it's sad. 

Laura Laskey  34:26  

And, you know, like I said, I want both of my children to experience similar things. So when they grow up, they can say, Oh, you remember this because you know that's we do. We talk about those things all the time. And I think that's added pressure, at least for me. I don't know how universal that is but to make sure that you know these traditions are being carried on and being experienced in similar ways throughout, you know, the years that your kids are growing up because I know some of us have a lot of kids and so that gap in age is, you know, 10 years, 15 years sometimes and so, or even without a lot of kids, I guess that can be significant. And so, you know, how do you maintain those traditions for your family, because that's what we do, right? As moms, we set the tone for our families. So even if you don't do any of these things, whatever it is that you're doing, as the mom I feel, typically is what is setting the tone for your family. Even if it's just getting up in the morning and getting dressed for the day, there's all that pressure as moms to create that for your family. And this time of year, it just feels like even more. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  35:44  

Yeah, I think also, so two things. One, that idea of traditions, everything comes with, like positives and negatives, right. And so I think traditions are so beautiful. I love, you know, family traditions that are passed down from generation to generation and that idea, and they can also feel like a burden. And I hate to even call it that, because, you know, traditions in our minds are like, so magical. But if we think about traditions, you know, for people who have lost parents, or grandparents or like people that they generally likely celebrated the holidays with growing up, not continuing a tradition feels like you're doing a disservice to that person, and that person's memory, like you're letting them down. And so you've also, I think, got that added pressure of like, this is how it was with this person, or, you know, with these people, and maybe they're not around anymore to celebrate with us. And so it's my job, like, it feels like added pressure and like, so important to make sure to maintain those traditions. And so, yeah, it's definitely I mean, like, all of the traditions on top of all of the new stuff. It's, we're carrying all of it and trying to balance all of it and not, I think it's challenging sometimes to find a way of like, evolving traditions. It just depends on how we think about tradition, of course, right. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  37:18  

And I think that's the second thing is just the mindset piece of what are the common things that we're thinking about during the holiday season, that are contributing to some of the burnout and stress that we feel? So not only what are we doing, but what are we thinking. And in your example, there, that feels like a very all or nothing thought, like I have to do the tradition all the way like I have to do everything for my youngest that I did for my oldest all the way. And otherwise, it's like failure or right. It's like we have that all or nothing mindset. And that's so typical for women, especially, of just like making sure we do things all the way. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  38:02  

So in terms of mindsets, I'm curious to hear about some of like, the thoughts that you have, like kind of brainstorm some of the things that I have been thinking, and also that I know some of my clients have brought up as well. So I'll share some of those. So I think one is like that pressure of like, feeling like we have to create all the magic. And the feeling like if we don't do it, then it's just not going to happen. Someone posted, it's been so interesting to see, like some of the different mom groups that I'm a part of someone posted, like what would happen if we just didn't do anything for Christmas, like to get ready for the holidays? And people were just like, yeah, like we'd be eating cereal for every meal. We would have no plans, we wouldn't get anywhere on time. Like we, you know, like maybe a few presents maybe they're at maybe they're not definitely not balanced of like how many for each kid, you know, things like that. It's so it's like we feel this pressure to make sure that we create a really magical experience for our kids and our family.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  39:13  

I think there's a saying that is both lovely and challenging, which is they're only little for a little while. And so I found this a lot postpartum. And I think added to challenge them postpartum. Because I would like everyone was say, like, oh, you know, like snuggle the baby. They're only little for a little while. And I was like, it just felt like these moments were so fleeting. And then any moment that I didn't enjoy I had wasted and so I think it's similar, you know, during the holidays, it's like, I mean, there there are all these memes and people out there saying things like you know, you only get this many Christmases where You know, they are really into the Christmas magic and like 18 Christmases before they're out of your house or you know, things like that, 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  40:08  

I think it's meant to put things into perspective so that we remember to focus on our children and to enjoy the time with them. But what it does, at least for me is makes me feel like, oh my god, like, like, it makes me feel so sad and like so much pressure. And then anytime I don't, I'm not present, or like, I'm not enjoying the moment that I start kind of like getting really down about that, like, I feel really sad about that, because I'm like, oh, man, they're only little for a little while, I only have this little bit of time with them, where it's like Christmas magic. And now like, I've just wasted that and it feels terrible. So this kind of like, expectation of ourselves that not only should we do all of the things that we just talked about, but also we need to enjoy every moment. And we need to like, soak it up, and just, you know, like, store it for later, when I don't know our lives are just going to be terrible after our children. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  41:09  

And then I think there's like just the constant battle with perfectionism, at least for me, as a recovering perfectionist, like, it gets to that all or nothing thinking like, I need to make sure that I like execute this perfectly, I need to make sure that all the presents look good, I need to make sure that everything looks good, I need to make sure that we have everything planned, like I have 18,000 lists going right now of like, what do we need to take on Christmas Eve to this house? And what do we need to take on Christmas Day to this house? And what do I need to make, and here are all the ingredients I need to buy. And here's when we're going to make the things and you know, and I think it's just like that constant battle of trying to make sure that I do everything so perfectly with like, being okay not doing that. And I haven't really found that yet, during the holidays, because my kind of like, where I go in stress situations is straight to like my defaults, which is perfectionism. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  42:11  

And so normally, throughout the year, when I have a little bit more capacity, and like feel a little bit more resourceful, I can consciously choose to not fall into perfectionism traps. And I can consciously remind myself, like, this is not an emergency. And you know, and like prioritize, but like when we get into the thick of it and into the stress of it, like my stress response is to go straight back to Everything has to be perfect. Just go like to here are your marching orders go into battle, right. And it's like, I'm just like robotically getting through, going through all the motions. And then that gets back to that, like, I'm no longer enjoying things. And then I'm like shaming myself for not enjoying things. I should be enjoying things. Exactly. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  43:02  

And then I think the last thing is just like that constant reminder. Often I'll like start thinking about all of the things. And then I'll be like, Oh my God, there's just like so much on my plate right now. Like I'm trying to keep this all straight, right? It's just that mental load that's so heavy. And I think that's what starts to lead to overwhelm and burnout. It's just like, there's just so much I was in the shower the other day. Sorry, I keep talking about being in the shower. But I was in the shower the other day. And I was just like, cut, like, Why do I feel so heavy. You know, like, I don't want to feel so heavy. I want to feel light, like I want to enjoy this time. And it's just like, the mental load is heavy. Like there's just literally when we say like the mental load when we say like, there's so much on my plate, like that plate is heavy. And it's just feels kind of heavy for me, like around this time, and you know, and then how do we then like, enjoy it a little bit, though. So those are those are some of the things that come up for me in terms of mindset. What about you, Laura?

Laura Laskey  44:07  

I mean, I can definitely relate to those for sure. You know, the all or nothing, perfectionism is a big one. I tend to not want to do something if I can't do it to my best ability, so that complicates things, right? Because there's so much to do. And if I'm not doing it, as well as I know I can or expect of myself, then I kind of tend to just not want to even touch it. It's that overwhelm. You know, I was actually talking with mom today and she's I just have this and this left, but it feels like so much even though it's only going to take me a short amount of time for each of those things. But because there has been so many things and it's been so overwhelming, it feels like you said Heavy, just any of the things that are left to do at this point just feel heavy because we've been stressed and pushing ourselves. 

Laura Laskey  45:09  

And then also, you know, I don't want to get to Christmas and feel like I missed everything. And feel like all I did was plan, plan plan and then didn't get to really appreciate, you know, my daughter and her really adorable Christmas dress. Or when I take my daughter to see Santa and she cries or won't even look at him. I don't want to feel stressed about that. I want to be able to appreciate that that's, you know, kind of cute and funny. But if I'm totally overwhelmed, I'll probably be a little upset about it at that moment. Like you said, it's that default, I tend to just have that default of like thinking really negatively. Like, it's not supposed to be this way. It's supposed to be different. It's supposed to be better. And I think that's just a trap. But it's, it's just that default that you fall into when you are overwhelmed and stressed out. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  46:10  

Yeah. Yeah. Well, and it's like, but what is it supposed to be? And I think that's like, supposed to and should, right? I always say like, whenever we start shoulding ourselves, that's a really good time to check in. Because it's like, well, what should we be doing instead? Or like, what is it supposed to be like, right? But yeah, we have this, again, it's kind of this perfectionist fantasy that we're going to be able to get everything done, and balanced everything. And everyone's going to feel amazing all the time, and be so happy and including ourselves, like we're going to enjoy every moment of it. And even though there's so much to balance, like we're just gonna, like, do it with a smile and feel great about it.

Laura Laskey  46:54  

Yeah, I would love to hear from anybody who does that. If there's anybody out there, who gets through the holidays, and is just happy and organized and stress free, please share your secrets, because I don't think that that's a common thing.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  47:13  

Yeah, well, I think that that's kind of like how it's portrayed. And especially in this age of social Instagram and social media, right? Because it's like, we're not going to put all the things on there, you know, and like, bring down everybody in this season, who want to play like the good stuff, and the happy stuff and how much we're enjoying it. And, and I do think there's a lot more talk about like, overwhelm, and things like that out there. And I think that's great to bring awareness to it. And that's, you know, kind of what I wanted to do with this episode is just to make sure that people know that they're not alone that like, even myself, who like I'm a coach, I can coach other people, I can coach myself on these things most of the time. But it doesn't mean that we get out of living a human experience and feeling great 50% of the time and not great the other 50% of the time, right? And the holiday season is indicative of that, right? But it's whenever we start to pile on the shame of like, I should be feeling this way, you know, or I shouldn't be feeling this way. I'm supposed to be enjoying all of this. I don't know. I mean, whenever we like listed out all of the things that we're doing, it's like, Man, how could we possibly enjoy ourselves so much, it's so much to carry. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  48:32  

So this is actually a big reason why I am doing the January 2024 reset this year. eEery year for the past, I don't know, three or four, maybe more years, I thought like I really want to do a January program where I can like, have a group of women together. And we can just recover. And also, like, look forward because everyone's probably doing what you're probably listener you're probably doing now on December 28. Hopefully by this point, like you've had a little bit of time to recover. Hopefully, Laura and I by that point next week will. So then we start to think about, Okay, what's next, right? Because that's where our minds always go like, what's next? And we start to think about the new year and then we start to set some goals or resolutions and kind of like how do I want to show up in the new year. And I think that kind of like energy is so exciting. And let's say infectious but like in a good way of us, you know, but in January, I want to just bring a group of women together and kind of focus on like, how do we start the year off strong? How can we kind of leverage that New Year energy to come together and learn a little bit more about some of the reasons that we have these things like that these things happen and we feel this way, give ourselves a little bit more compassion, love and acceptance, and just kind of like be together in a space where we could support each other and not feel so alone and like we're carrying something so heavy. And so I hope that, you know, now that it's December 28, we can start to look forward a little bit to the upcoming year.

Laura Laskey  50:25  

That's super exciting. I think that's such a good idea. And I personally want to participate in that because I think that will be so great to start the year that way, with support, because I think a lot of times when we have these new year's resolutions, we end up doing that completely alone. And I don't know about you, but I tend to drop those pretty quickly, because I don't have the support that I need to really commit to it. So I think that being able to work in a group on that and just address some mindsets that we maybe need to evaluate at the beginning of the year would be really great. That's really exciting.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  51:11  

Yeah, well, I am super excited about it. And I hope that everyone will go and sign up. It is if you go to a coachleanna.com/january2024 that has all the information. We start on January 2. So coming up really soon, this coming Tuesday, and we're going to meet Tuesday afternoons. And then we'll also have an online space for everybody to connect asynchronously. If you can't make some or all of the calls, that's totally fine. All of them will be recorded. And you can always listen to them later. But I am really excited about it. I hope that everyone who's listening will join us because if you have felt any of this burnout stuff that we've been talking about around the holidays, I want to invite you to kind of come and share it with the group and talk about how you're feeling and and also look forward to the possibilities of the New Year as well.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  52:10  

So if you use the code "podcast", there is a special exclusive discount for my podcast listeners. And I hope that you will all join us because I'd love to see you all like for real and not have just one way conversations with you in the new year. So I hope to see you there. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  52:28  

And Laura, thank you so much for coming and talking with me about our holiday burnout. I don't know about you but like for me just talking about it makes me feel a little bit better going in in the next two days.

Laura Laskey  52:41  

I feel a little bit better while also in the back of my mind thinking I need to get this this this this and this done.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  52:49  

Also thinking oh that was just an hour I could have been wrapping up prepping and cooking. Well I appreciate you taking the time before the holidays to talk to me and our listeners. And thank you all so much for tuning in and we will see you next week.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  53:12  

Thanks so much for tuning in to the executive coach for moms podcast. Please like, subscribe, or follow the show so you'll be notified when the next episode is available. I hope you'll join me again next time. Take care

Transcribed by https://otter.ai