That Escalated Quickly: How to Stop Negative Thought Spirals When You're Overwhelmed

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:04  

Welcome to The Executive Coach for Moms Podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host, Leanna Laskey McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic and certified executive coach. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:27  

Hi everyone. Welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for being here. We are in the home stretch of December of the holiday season of 2025 and today I wanted to talk about negative thought spirals, because I think especially when we're really busy and feeling like we've got so much on our plates, we can sometimes get into a negative headspace, and these thought spirals can feel like they're taking over. And last week we talked about mom guilt. And as I was writing that episode, I thought, Ooh, I really want to dive deeper into negative thought spirals, because I think we definitely can get into them related to mom guilt. And as I started writing about negative thought spirals, I realized I have a lot to say about this topic. I think that negative thought spirals put such a huge drain on our two most precious resources, our time and our energy, and especially around times when we don't have a lot extra of those things, it's helpful to have some tools to work through those negative thought spirals so that they're not taking up as much time and energy as they might normally, when maybe we have a little bit more reserves of time and energy. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  1:48  

A negative thought spiral is a chain reaction of negative thoughts that accelerate and intensify. They really build on each other. It's kind of like when you see two people at a bar who are one upping each other, that's kind of what your brain's doing. It's like, ooh, that thought's not painful enough here. Let me give you an even worse one. Here's another one, and let me pile on another one. And it often feels like you're getting pulled into a tornado, like just out of nowhere, this tornado came and took you by surprise, and you didn't see it coming, and it just kind of sucks you in, and it's really hard to regain your balance and your equilibrium, because you just feel really out of control. And the reason why it happens is usually because your brain is trying to solve something or stay safe or prepare for some kind of danger or threat that it's anticipating. And I think that high achievers' brains are especially good at over indexing on threats. And I'm sure you've experienced one of these, or many of these. I know we all have, myself included. It feels like we're helpless, very much in victim mode. It's like time slows down and you're just getting beat up by your own brain. And it really feels like your mind is speeding up so fast and you just can't get a handle on it. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  3:15  

So a few different examples of negative thought spirals that are so common for high achieving executive moms, include that work and mom guilt spiral that we talked about a little bit last week. It's like, maybe we can't attend the event at our kid's school that we just found out about that's in three days and it's in the middle of the day. And so there's the disappointing feeling about that, right? Of course, we're going to feel disappointed because we wish we could be there, but we have a conflict at work and we unfortunately can't be or we're choosing not to be. And of course, it feels bad. It feels really disappointing that we can't attend. And as if that wasn't bad enough, what happens is, on top of that, what we end up doing a lot of times is we'll get into that negative thoughts spiral thinking like, Oh man, I really wish I could be there for my kid. Am I doing enough? Am I a good mom? Oh my gosh, no. I'm a terrible mom. I know that my mom would have been there. I know all these other moms are going to be there, and I feel like I'm failing as a mom. I'm not even showing up at work the way I want to. So it feels like I'm just failing at everything. Everyone else seems to handle this better than me. How does everybody do this? Maybe I'm just not cut out for it and so on. We can get ourselves into this very negative space all because of that one initial trigger and that initial thought and feeling of disappointment. And usually the thought spiral is compounded by those kind of questions of, Am I doing enough? Am I enough? Am I producing enough? Am I giving enough? Am I adding enough value? And then we just start to spiral from there, and we end up questioning everything about ourselves and our worth. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  5:06  

Another common thought spiral is related to overwhelm. And so whenever we have so many things on our plates, it's kind of like if I just went and did all of the things, then they would be done. But instead, what our brain wants to do is pull some more of our time and energy away and tell us all kinds of stories and thoughts about doing the things. Like instead of just doing the things, our brain is like, I'll never get all this done. I'm so behind. I'm gonna disappoint everybody. I'm gonna let everybody down. I can't do this. This is too much for one person, I'm not capable of this. How am I ever going to finish this on time? And then if you have any stories about maybe your inability to manage your time, or a belief that you don't make good decisions, or maybe if you have a history of procrastination with a shame story tied to it, those are all going to start to get sucked into that tornado and just pile on as you start to think about your to do list. And then a lot of times, it can get us to really dark places with shame and guilt, and maybe we go into I never finished things on time. Why am I not more responsible? I do this every year. I should have planned better. I should be more on top of things. And we just kind of really start beating ourselves up and getting ourselves to a really negative place. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  6:31  

And then another spiral that happens often stems from relationships or interactions with other people. How many times have you been in a situation, or maybe a friend has come to you about this, where a person didn't text me back, and so immediately our brain starts creating a story about this. I must have said something wrong. Maybe they're mad at me, maybe they don't like me anymore. Maybe they don't want to be friends with me anymore. And then you see that person, and they're like, Hey, how's it going? And they're acting like everything's fine, and maybe they didn't even see your message, or maybe they might just be like, Oh, I'm so sorry. I've been so busy I haven't gotten a chance to respond. And you're like, oh my gosh, how much time and energy did I spend spiraling about the stories that I created about this interaction, and I think the negative thought spirals cause some of the worst feelings, right? And they're just so painful. They bring guilt and shame and panic and self judgment and a lot of times paralysis, because we get kind of stuck where we're like, I can't even move forward because I have so much on my plate. I'm so overwhelmed, or I don't want to say the wrong thing, so I'm not going to say anything at all. I just want to say that we all do this. Okay? This is very human. So I want to make sure, you know, like, this is a normal human brain process, and there is nothing wrong with you that you do this. Just imagine if you were able to reduce the time you're spending in thought spirals, how much time and energy you would get back. So that's what I want to talk about, is, what can we do about it? 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  8:15  

I think it's really important that we remember that thoughts are just sentences in our brains. Thoughts are not facts, they're not commands, they're not mandatory, they're not required reading, they're not the end all be all. They are simply just sentences in your brain. And here's a little visual I want to give you, because I think it's really helpful to think about thoughts in this way. So imagine you're at a cocktail party, and there are servers walking around holding trays with hors d'oeuvres on them, and you know, one of them has the bruschetta tray, and someone else has the chicken on a stick and someone else has the puff pastries. I used to be a banquet server, so this used to be me. So they're walking around and offering what's on these trays, and you get to decide if you want to take any of these foods. And I think about thoughts similarly, I think about our brain is offering us some thoughts on a platter, and we get to decide if we want to say, yes, I'd like to take that and engage with it. Or if we want to say, No, thank you, I'm not interested in that right now, and we just let the platter pass us by and keep on going. Or maybe we say, You know what, I don't really want a stuffed mushroom today, but I would love a crab cake. Can you send the crab cake tray over? No, thank you, stuffed mushrooms. I'd like the crab cakes. And so that's what we can do with our thoughts as well. When our brain offers us that thought that maybe you're not good enough, you're failing. This is too much. You can't handle this. You can choose what you want to do with it. You get to say, Yes, please. I'd like to take this appetizer, I'd love that hors d'oeuvre. I'm going to take it off the tray, I'm gonna take this thought and I'm gonna engage with it, and then all these other servers rush over with air trays and just start hurling little appetizers at you, and you're like, ah, and you get into a thought spiral of, I can't handle this. And you just feel really out of control, and at the affect of your own thoughts. And I want to point out here that it is a choice what we do with the thought when it's offered to us, it doesn't feel like it. I know that. It feels so unconscious and so automatic, and so it does take some work to try and slow it down and get to a place where you have the awareness to be able to choose, do I want to engage with that thought or not? But I want you to know that that is possible. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  10:47  

That's one option we have. We have the option to engage with the thought. Another option is, whenever our brain offers us one of those thoughts on the platter, we can say, No, thank you. I'm not interested in that. I don't eat meat, so I would not like the mini Beef Wellington. I'm focused on this other thing. I think about the part of our brain that offers us these thoughts is kind of like a toddler who's like, Hey, pay attention to me. Pay attention to me. And we can say, No, thank you. Not doing that right now. Or another strategy, even better is we can redirect that toddler brain to something else. We can go look at a different thought, focus on a different sentence, choose something else. We can say, No, thank you. I don't want that stuffed mushroom. I want the crab cake instead. No, thank you. I no longer believe that thought that I am not capable and I'm not going to spend time on it. I'm not going to engage with it. I'm going to remind myself that I've replaced that thought with I am capable of handling this, and so I'm going to focus on that thought instead. So your power lies in choosing what you do with the thoughts that are offered to you. Are you going to take that thought and latch on to it and keep thinking about it and let it grow into something bigger, and get yourself into a spiral. Or are you going to let it pass you by? Or are you going to choose a different one? So when we believe that we don't have these options, that's when we spiral, because we believe that we are a victim to our own brain. If our brain says, Hey, you're not good enough. Then we think that we have to engage with it, and not only believe it, but like, double down and keep going with it and make it bigger. But whenever we recognize that we do have options, we gain control again. We feel more empowered, and we get back into the driver's seat, even if we've been riding shotgun for weeks or months or even years. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  12:43  

So I want to share a few practical tools to stop a thought spiral in its tracks, and I would encourage you to play with them and try them out and see which ones help maybe more at the beginning, before the spiral really takes hold, before you get caught up in that tornado, because some of them are more effective there, and which ones help to pull you out of it whenever you're already in the tornado. So first and foremost is recognizing that it is optional to engage, just like when your toddler comes at you and is screaming at you, you get to decide how you want to respond, how you want to engage with that. Do you want to engage with the behavior, or do you want to redirect or do you want to say, No, thank you? You get to decide what you do, and similarly, you get to decide if you want to engage with those thoughts that your brain offers you. It's optional to engage, so you take a pause before you pick that thought up off the tray. So that's the first thing that I want you to remember. And I think that pause in between is a really important thing to start to develop, to really allow that pause to grow. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  13:51  

The second thing is writing it down. And I will die on this hill of writing things down, because it is so helpful for me when I start to get into a negative spiral. So let's say you're in a spiral. Let's say you didn't catch it at the beginning. No problem. You're a human and let's just say you're in it and you don't feel like you can gain control, because you're just like spinning around and around in that tornado. One thing you can do in this moment is to start writing it down, get it out of your head. Whenever it's just floating around up there, it's like your brain's home turf, and it has full control over it there. And when we write it down with our hands and look at it with our eyes and just witness it, then we can start to regain control. We can start to feel like we're getting more of our body engaged. It's out of just our heads floating around up there and spiraling around up there. And I find that writing really creates space and clarity and just a sense of grounded control. So when I write it down, I just like to dump everything out of my head, get it on the paper, because what that will do for you is it will slow down. It will slow down your mind. And if your mind's moving too fast, I sometimes will start by typing, and then I move to paper as I'm able to kind of slow it down more. But just spend five minutes, maybe 10 minutes, just writing it all down, and I promise you, it will start to slow things down in your head a little bit. It will start to help you regain control over what's going on in your head. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  15:29  

Another option, if you are more of a kinesthetic or somatic person, if you really like movement, then I would recommend moving. So that can look a lot of different ways. That can be going outside and taking a walk, that can be dancing. Sometimes when I'm super charged, if there's a thought spiral happening in my head and my body feels totally activated, then for me, like wiggling around and literally shaking it out, I think can be really helpful as well. So move your body in whatever way is going to shift your energy. There's this song by Alvin and the Chipmunks. It's a redo of the song, Had a bad day, and I don't know why, but every time I put that song on and dance along to it, I start to feel better because it's such a ridiculous version of this song, and it just kind of like takes me out of the seriousness of everything, and I don't know it just kind of helps me move to a different space than where I'm in right now. So if you want to give that one a try, that's my little secret. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  16:34  

Another option is breathing and grounding exercises. I've shared a lot of different options on this podcast box, breathing, hand on your heart breathing, closing your eyes, feeling all of your fingers with your thumb, listening for the furthest away sound and the closest sound, and switching your focus between them like really, really hearing them. So there are lots of different options for breathing and grounding. And then finally, this is a learned skill that may not be available right away. It does take some coaching, and it is something that we work on in all of my coaching containers. But if you're at that place, it's really to generate on purpose more empowering or neutralizing thoughts. One of my coaches calls this "intentional thought creation," and it's not making up positive affirmations or mantras that you don't actually believe, but it's redirecting your brain to focus on more empowering thoughts that are true, that you can believe like, I can handle this. I am capable. I've done this before. I have survived everything I have encountered up until now, and I can survive this too. One of the ones that Dr. Becky always says is, this is not an emergency. I can do one small thing right now to take one small step. You can try them out and see how they feel in your body, so that you can know what thought you want to shift to. For me, it's a lot of reminding myself that I am capable. Because whenever I am feeling really out of control, or feeling like I'm really overwhelmed, then one of the thoughts that keeps repeating itself is I can't do this. I can't, I can't, I can't. It's too much, and I have to redirect my brain to I'm capable of handling this. I know I've got this. I've done this before. I can do it again.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  18:40  

I want to give a bit of a caveat. I always have to make sure to say this for high achievers. The tools that I'm sharing today are not going to just eliminate spirals overnight. Okay, you're not going to listen to this podcast episode and then be like, I'm never having a negative thought spiral again. And then whenever it happens, then, you know, you get really judgy and say, like, oh, this just doesn't work. Or I'm just not capable of this. It's just not how it works. Because we all have human brains, and this is how human brains operate. I like to think about the fact that if we were wired to see all the positive things, if human brains were wired to only look for the good things or the positive things, our species probably wouldn't have survived if back in cave days, people were just like out in the forest, hanging out, walking through nature, looking at all the beautiful things and flowers and like, Oh, look at how the sun reflects on that water then, like, bam, there's a saber toothed tiger to eat them, right? Like our species wouldn't have survived if that's all that they were wired to focus on. Instead, their brains had to constantly be on high alert to recognize if there were any potential incoming threats before there were. More Housing structures that we have today. Our brains have evolved over time, but they're still really wired. We still have that wired in us to identify potential threats and to focus on and look for negativity. It's just the way we're wired. So I think a lot of times, we'll learn something in terms of mindset work, and then we'll try it out, and we'll be like, Why am I not doing this perfectly already? I've been working on this for three whole days, and it takes some time to rewire the brain. It's very much like strength training, where it takes consistent practice to see progress and to build those muscles. So I just don't want you to set the goal or have the expectation that you're never going to have a negative thought spiral again. The goal is really to spiral less often and to stay in the spiral for less time and to bounce back more quickly whenever we have them. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  20:52  

So if you're spending every day, you know, in a negative thought spiral at some point during the day, and it takes up, if you add up all the time that it takes away from you, the time and the energy. It's like two hours every day. Then the goal would be to maybe reduce that to two hours six days a week, instead of seven or maybe an hour and 45 minutes every day, right? It's like a gradual decrease, not suddenly, overnight. The goal here is progress, not perfection, and I want you to really use these tools to lessen the spiral. This is a really worthwhile investment, and if you want to practice it together, I would love to invite you to one of my coaching containers. I'll be offering a program in January to help start the year off strong. So definitely check back for that as we get closer over on coachleanna.com. But if you have been having a lot of negative thought spirals lately, especially during the season, I want to encourage you to just pick one thing that I shared today to implement, to reduce them, because I know you don't have time for them. You don't have you don't have extra time for the time and energy drains that these things bring on while you're trying to run your team and raise your kids and close out the year at work and make all the magic for the holidays. I want you to be able to focus that time and energy back on what it is that really matters to you and what you care about. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  22:24  

All right, everyone. Thank you so much for tuning in today. I am wishing you all the best in reducing your negative thought spirals this holiday season and beyond. Bye. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  22:34   

If you're loving what you're learning on this podcast, I want to invite you to come join me for The Executive Mom Reset. We offer both one on one and group coaching formats. I created The Executive Mom Reset to help high achieving moms feel less anxious, more confident and more in control of their lives, instead of feeling like you're being pulled in 100 different directions, you'll learn how to pause, reset and approach challenges with clarity and confidence. You'll stop running on autopilot, stop second guessing yourself all the time, and stop letting stress, guilt and overwhelm dictate your day. You'll walk away with the tools and the confidence that you can use every day to feel stronger, more empowered and more in alignment with the life you want to be living head on over to coachleanna.com to learn more and to get signed up. I really hope to see you there.