Reclaiming Your Energy and Connection Through Science-Based Nervous System Healing - with Melissa Romano (Taking Care of Yourself #5)

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:04  

Welcome to The Executive Coach for Moms Podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host, Leanna Laskey McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic and certified executive coach. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:24  

Hey everyone. Welcome to the fifth episode of the Taking Care of Yourself series where we're focusing on bringing some attention to the importance of taking care of you with practical tips for how to actually do it, since we often have a tendency to prioritize everyone else's needs over our own. We have covered a lot in the last four weeks, and the conversation I'm sharing today is with Melissa Romano. She's an integrative somatic therapist, and I really loved hearing about her healing journey, and I know you will too. I feel like this is going to bring a lot of what we've been talking about together for you. I also really love that Melissa takes what she learns and then breaks it down and makes it really simple for all of us to learn some practices to take better care of ourselves. So I cannot wait for you to hear from her. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  1:13  

Before we jump in, I wanted to share a quick reminder that the executive mom reset foundations group coaching course we'll be kicking off in just a few short weeks. This is an opportunity to come together and meet other executive moms and really to start feeling more confident, more empowered and more intentional at work and at home, so you're no longer running on autopilot. Head on over to coachleanna.com for all the details and to get signed up. And I really hope to see you there. And now I hope you enjoy listening to this amazing conversation with Melissa, and I know you're going to walk away with so many takeaways. Enjoy.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  1:51  

I'm so excited to introduce today's guest, Melissa Romano. Melissa and I know each other from way back in college in West Virginia, and I love her work on helping you to kind of tune in with your body and nervous system regulation and healing. I love everything she talks about, and I think we both, at the end of the day, have the same goal in mind, and we approach it a little bit differently. I approach it a little bit more from a mindset perspective, and Melissa approaches it more from a somatic perspective. So I'm excited for you to hear her perspective today. So let me just tell you a little bit about her, and then I will stop talking, and you will hear all about her. So Melissa Romano is a licensed social worker, educator and content creator, passionate about making nervous system healing accessible and transformative. With a background in neuroscience and somatic therapy, she guides people from survival mode into connection and embodiment. She is the author of The Vagus Nerve Deck and creator of Connected Healing, her signature program. Through these modalities, Melissa helps people reclaim safety, self-trust and resilience. Welcome Melissa.

Melissa Romano  3:07  

Thank you so much for having me. It's so good to see you and get to spend more time with you. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  3:11  

Yeah, likewise, I really appreciate you being here. So maybe you can start off and just tell us a little bit about you and what your journey has been and what's brought you to this work?

Melissa Romano  3:23  

Yeah, it's so funny when people ask that I'm like, I have lore. Like you said, we've known each other for a very long time. And you know, and if you would ask someone in 2003 about me, none of the words that you said in that bio or like, healthy or any that's not that would not be the associations, right? I was not healthy by any stretch of the imagination, you know. So I had a background of trauma and chronic stress, just chronic dysregulation. You know, when we were in college, I started having more chronic pain. So, you know, when I was young, I never felt good. It was like stomach aches or, you know, just overall not feeling good, never wanting to go to school. I didn't feel like I was a good student, and it turned into chronic pain in my early 20s. And then I was like, I've been to doctors. I go the gamut. I've done and tried all of these things. And, you know, I want to figure out what I can do for myself, because I know I'm not treating myself well. I know I don't take care of myself like I was very outward, focused and driven by, you know, external things. And you know, so I got into fitness, because I think that's like the only tangible thing we really know, you know, especially then, like, this is the early 2000s so it's like, yeah, you want to get healthy? You eat better, and you move your body. So, you know, I started on that track and turned that into a career. I was like, Okay, so I'm stronger, I have much less pain. I'm absolutely healthier, but I am by no means where I was trying to go.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  5:04  

Which is?

Melissa Romano  5:05  

Just feeling good.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  5:07  

Yeah.

Melissa Romano  5:07  

Like I felt strong, yes, and, you know, I ate well. I certainly felt better, but I did not feel good. Like I still struggled with anxiety, I still struggled with depression, I still had all of these, like, GI things, like, started to kind of come about. So it was like, I felt like it was whack a mole, like I would take care of one thing, and then like, another thing would creep up, and it's like, okay, so when do I feel good? And I kept going on that journey. So it was like, then I got into yoga, and then I got into yoga therapy, and then I got into yoga psychology, and then I'm like, Oh my gosh, this whole like concept that what I was doing, like, whack a mole, right? Treating one thing and another thing popping up. And this whole world opened up to me where it's like, wait a second, it's all connected. It's all one thing, and until I treated and cared for it as like one thing. It wasn't just what I was eating, it was who I was eating with. It wasn't just, you know, following this exercise plan. It was listening to my body. It was so it was like the whole picture of my life.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  6:20  

Yeah.

Melissa Romano  6:21  

And then it just, you know, for for me, when I when I recognized that, and then learned more about somatic therapy and learned more about the nervous system, it was kind of like the glue that pulled all of those different pieces together. Here we are in every step of the way, I was just like, I would learn something, and I'd be like, Well, I have to tell everyone else. So I made a career out of my own healing, essentially.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  6:44  

I love that. I love that. And so now, do you feel good?

Melissa Romano  6:49  

I do feel good. I do. I do. I feel all of the things I will say.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  6:55  

I love that. Yeah. So what do you attribute that feeling good and feeling all the things to. Is it? Is it feeling all the things?

Melissa Romano  7:06  

It's feeling all the things? Yeah, 100% it was kind of learning that, you know, that my thing of like, oh, I have to make it through this piece, or I need to fix this thing to then get to the feeling good. And when I realized that it's like, no, it's being able to feel all of the things and not lose myself, that that's when I would feel really good.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  7:32  

Yeah.

Melissa Romano  7:32  

When I could feel the pain, when I could feel the injustice of it all, or whatever, is there and still be present and still be connected to myself and kind of moving through the world, how I choose to show up, not just like, reactionary. That's when I really started to feel good. And it was, it was like, I did hit a point a couple years ago where I was like, Okay, so I'm just supposed to be, like, taking care of myself all day long. I like, how stupid. But then my next thought was like, what else is there? Am I supposed to just be paying attention to myself and like, listening and taking care of myself all day? And then it was like, yeah, that's kind of the point.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  8:16  

Well, I wonder too, did you change your definition of what it means to feel good? Because as you're talking, you're saying like, I feel grief and I feel sadness, and I think that so often we make those things mean that something's gone wrong, that something, you know, it doesn't feel good, so so it's bad. And like you said, it's kind of like we put all of these obstacles in the way and put feeling good on the other side of them. So I guess how you would have described feeling good in 2003 versus how you describe it now, is that different?

Melissa Romano  8:52  

Hundred percent. And to a degree, I think, well, who knows what my, you know, 18 year old self would have said felt feeling good meant. Probably people liking me. I don't know that at that time, I would have even had a concept of what my internal experience of feeling good would have been. Then I would have described it in thought.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  9:16  

Okay.

Melissa Romano  9:16  

What I think, I think I would have described it in, like, external cues. Well, if around me likes me and is happy with me, that would feel good. I don't think that I even had enough self awareness to say, you know, I my body would feel like a little bit relaxed. I would have a strong posture, you know my, my, my gut would feel like I can handle this, like, I don't know that I would have even had that, like, not only language, but awareness of my actual experience. Like, I think that it would have just been like external cues and like a checklist of things, and now, it actually is how I feel. And I think I mean that on, like, a cellular, energetic level too, like, not just like, my physical body, you know, I'm 40, obviously have some like, aches and pains, or I'm like, you know, my head's definitely got a lot tighter, a lot easier, and, you know, tending. But I think that even on that level, like my body feels good, my mind feels good, like I would explain it in you know, do I feel connected to my own life? Do I feel like I am, not in control by any means, but like I am actively choosing how to move through each moment. That feels good. Like I don't feel like I am like a fish on a hook in life anymore, being like drug around. It's like, oh no, like I'm the water. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  10:53  

Ah, I love that. It's interesting, because I wonder how we define feeling good, right? And you're saying it's like, it's essentially being in control, is how you've described it, but like, not that, but sort of that, right.

Melissa Romano  11:08  

Being in choice, in choice.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  11:12  

Yeah, I think it's like, we, especially as high achieving women, think that, like, we need to always be in control. And I don't think that's what you're saying, right, but, but also you are saying that like you are connected to your life, and you're actively choosing what's happening in your life, essentially, as much as you have the ability to do so.

Melissa Romano  11:36  

Yeah, I think one thing that I teach and have learned, and especially as high achieving women, I fear that too often we're operating out of a protective response, like we're operating out of a state of the nervous system. And you can say this so through so many different languages and so many different modalities. Obviously, mine is more in nervous system. So we move through in this protective another part of us is operating. It's not us, our truest essence of self. It's right. It's like, if I do everything on this to do list today, if I get all of this stuff done, if I show up and I do this, this and this, then I will be safe. And we might not consciously use that language, but that is how we are operating, and it's not necessarily out of choice. It's not necessarily out of connection. It's out of this sense of protection, like this is what I have to do to be okay. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  11:36  

Yeah. 

Melissa Romano  11:41  

I know that feels terrible, because I have done it many, many, many different times.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  12:37  

My experience of it is that it feels good like at that moment that you finish your to do list. I remember feeling this way, where it's like acute feelings of good, where it's like I feel good in that moment, but like my overall experience, that is not that. I wouldn't describe it as good, because it goes away immediately as soon as I start thinking about, Well, shit. Well, what do I have to do next? And what do I have to do tomorrow? Now that this to do list is done, it's just not like it ends.

Melissa Romano  13:13  

And what's the cost? I look at so many different things in my life, and I'm like, Yeah, you know, there were good things about it and there, there were times, right? Like you said, like, Oh, that felt good. And then I'm like, I feel like I paid in a pound of flesh. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  13:31  

Yeah.

Melissa Romano  13:31  

 I had to trade literal pieces of myself to make it work. You know, it's like, that's not living like to me, maybe feeling good, this is how I would describe it now, living the width and the depth of my life.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  13:47  

Say more about that. 

Melissa Romano  13:48  

I think in those times where I was doing that, I had those like, brief periods of feeling good, I don't even know that I felt like I was living my own life. And now it's like this, that width and the depth, like I have the capacity to feel so many different things, and I want to feel them all, and I have the capacity to learn and experience and witness so many different things, and I want to do them all. Like, I want to be an active participant. Like, I want to feel like I am all the way in. And, you know those experiences where I had like, like, brief moment of glory. I never felt like that, like I get that dopamine hit.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  14:35  

Yeah, that's what it is.

Melissa Romano  14:38  

Strong dopamine hit, and then, like, a crash afterwards. And now it's like, you know, obviously not to say that I don't get a to do list done, because I do. It's not in the same way, like I'm not willing to trade pieces of myself for it, and I want to be all the way in, like I want to be an active participant, and I want to experience it, and I want to be really connected to myself, the people I'm with, and to what I'm doing.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  15:04  

What is it that allows you to that you have the desire for feeling the negative side of things, right? Like that, when you say, like, the width and depth, obviously that means positive. Quote, unquote, negative. Quote, right? Our society is so accustomed to, like, numbing out and tuning out and trying to escape those negative emotions. I mean, pretty much everything we do or don't do is to either feel some way or avoid feeling some way. And so I think, you know, it takes a lot of work to get to the place where you're able to hold space for all of the all those feelings that don't give you a dopamine hit, that don't immediately feel good. Why do you want that?

Melissa Romano  15:48  

That's a really good question. And a lot of times when I'm talking about this, I think people get like, a woo, woo kind of vibe or or they think of like Buddhist or mindfulness or something like that, which it absolutely does align with all of those things. And the truth of it is we are primal beings, right? And everything that we experience, we experience body first, so through our senses and through interception, which is like the internal experience, right? Because our nervous system is constantly scanning our internal and external environment, like without your conscious thought. So your vagus nerve right, along with your other cranial nerves, they're scanning your internal experience and your external experience without you thinking about it. So we move through the world, we experience a sensation, and then the body is like sending messages to the brain. We, I think most of us operate thinking that the brain is sending the messages like through the system, and it does, but not as much as the body. So the body, the vagus nerve, is, I think, 90% I used to say 80 some people say 90% sensory afferent, meaning that 90% of the messaging is coming from the body to the brain, not vice versa. It's bi directional communication. Same thing, like our gut, is sending messages to the brain. So all of this comes in and it goes through this filtration system, and the first filter that it has to pass is, Am I safe or am I unsafe, right? And if we start trying to avoid, quote, unquote, negative emotions or uncomfortable emotions or whatever emotions are there, that filtration system says, got it. Emotions are unsafe. There's no these ones are good and these ones are bad. I know we cognitively think that, but that's not what will happen. What will happen is you close the road down to feeling the emotions. You know when we avoid when we you know we're like distract. I don't want to feel that. That feels uncomfortable. I want to feel more of this. That filter says emotions are unsafe and it dulls all of them. It's not like a two lane highway where you can be like actually, I want to feel these, but not these. So my desire to feel those things is because I have a desire to feel the other things. So my option is feel it all, or feel none of them. And, you know, I want to feel all of them. And I think, you know, to people that are like, What? No, I feel some of the other ones that's like, do you though? Or is it a fleeting moment, and then you're back? 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  18:44  

Yeah, it just feels so antithetical to our culture that is like, hustle, hustle, progress, progress, progress, right? And I think feeling sometimes, a lot of times, I mean, when we talk to people about feeling, it's like, Well, I'm afraid to go there. I'm afraid because it feels like a slippery slope. I can't feel that too much because I need to get these things done, and it keeps me from getting those things done. So how do I succeed and achieve and do all these things that I enjoy doing and meet all these goals that I have for myself and spend time with my feelings, like, how do I do that? And so what are your thoughts about that? Because, obviously, you've built a very successful business and do multiple things, and you continue to succeed and achieve. So what are your thoughts on that?

Melissa Romano  19:34  

It actually, it actually gives you more brain capacity. It gives you more energy being with your emotions, truly. It takes about 90 seconds. Studies have been done right the parts of the brain that light up, that are that are engaged when there is an emotion, if you are present with it, it takes about 90 seconds for that that like the grip of it. I'm not saying that the emotion is going to be gone, but that like that gripping sensation. So I teach, and it's a DBT skill, which is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skill that I, you know, made into a somatic skill too. But observe, describe, participate. So we observe, there's been a change in the system, right? I'm noticing something. Describe it using emotion language and sensation language. We are ditching the story of why we feel that way, and metabolizing the emotion. So it's, it's the language of like, oh, that, you know, my chest clenched up and my fists clenched up and and I feel like this buzzing in my arms and my legs, and I'm going to stomp my feet right. And then I participate in that. I let my fists clench, I squeeze my arms, you know, I stomp my feet and I and I let my chest like, oh, 90 seconds, and that will move through your system in a way that one, the one thing that I think we all want to feel is seen and heard, right? Your system feels seen and heard, and then we have more brain capacity, because we're not spending all of this, like, drain trying to be like, don't feel that way. Forget about this. Don't let it bother you, you know, let it go. Move on. And it ends up being this, like spinning thing that, or we get stuck in the story of it, like, you must think that I am this, this, and this, or she probably, you know, is saying this, this and this about me, right? And that is such a drain on your brain. And you know, when we don't do things consciously, it's the default mode network of the brain that everything kind of falls to and it runs, and that uses the most brain energy consumption. So when it's like, I don't have time to do all of this. You don't not have time to do it. You will use less energy. You'll build more resilience. You'll be able to more of all of the things, including those wonderful things. And you know that feel good at the at the end of something, or in the midst of something, will last longer.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  22:21  

Yeah, I think it's probably our protective brain telling us, like, we can't go there. We need to conserve energy and seek pleasure and avoid pain, and that's it. And this isn't it. We just keep going. Just keep going so we don't have to feel this.

Melissa Romano  22:36  

We are not so different from the animals. Like, that's why our brain, right, is called the lizard brain, because we, with all mammals, and it doesn't like to lose control, like it wants to stay in the driver's seat. And that is not you, you know what I mean? Like, that means that we are not in the driver's seat. We're kind of like being pulled around like, again, like the fish on the hook. And when we're operating out of protective parts, we are not in charge. So it's like you're vying for control and giving it all away.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  23:14  

Yes, yeah. I often call that the toddler brain, because I work with so many moms. 

Melissa Romano  23:19  

I always say we're toddlers. We're toddlers and taller bodies. Like, when people are I'm like, Yeah, we are toddlers in taller bodies, like we have to work, you know, through the system, yes.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  23:29  

Yeah, yeah. So I am curious, because you've talked about protective parts a lot, and I'm currently taking a course on internal family systems and and parts work. And I think it's so fascinating, and I've talked about it a little bit on this podcast. I promised everyone, when I'm done with the course in November, that I'll, that I'll do an episode about that. But I'm curious. It sounds like you use IFS.

Melissa Romano  23:53  

I do. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  23:53  

Yeah, so tell me more about about that, and, like, protective parts.

Melissa Romano  23:58  

So I actually, when I did my integrative somatic trauma therapy training, I got to study a little bit with Richard Schwartz. So I think that the language of IFS is so helpful. It's like we are the Self, right? Our truest essence, the deepest depths of us, like who we really are is the self. So we have protectors and exiles, right? And the the protectors. There's two variations, the managers and the firefighters. So the the managers are like the the proactive parts. So these are especially for, you know, high achieving moms, right? The managers are often the ones running the show, these proactive protective parts, saying, If I do this, and I do this, and I dress like this, and I have this car, and I make this amount of money, then we'll all be safe. It's like, like, running around like, we'll all be okay. And then the firefighters are like, the reactive parts, right? So the the ones that the moment something is a bit uncomfortable. Trouble, shut it down. Don't feel that we don't have time for this. Keep moving. So we have those firefighters, and then the exiles are are all of those parts that they are protecting, right? The more vulnerable parts, the often younger parts. And this concept, for me, was so helpful, because mainly to know it paired really well with the way that I learned about the nervous system. Whereas, you know, when we have an experience, why we feel like toddlers in taller bodies, right? We have this experience that comes into our system, and then that filtration system says, This feels unsafe, right? And then our brain goes to the hippocampus, the amygdala. The amygdala is like the the, you know, fear center, and it sets off the fire alarms. The hippocampus is our emotions and our memories, and it's saying, what does this remind me of? And it's like, you know, when you search for your birthday now, like you're having to scroll through to like, scroll to find 1985 and that's how that part works. Like the part of the brain is like, what does this remind me of? And before I know it, it's like, oh, that time in 1996 and before I know it, I'm acting like, I'm 11 years old. And I'm like, moving through this moment like, and that is a protective part, right? So it's like, for me, learning, Oh, okay. Like, all of these things came together. That's actually what's happening in my body. I actually am operating from this system that is that small child or this smaller age. And it's kind of like, IFS I think of it like I am the sun, the self is the sun, and the parts are weather. Sometimes, you know, before I knew the language of this. And before I was connected with myself, it would be like a monsoon, right? So I started to identify as the weather that the self was like completely. I forgot that it was there. She was gone, lost to me, and the parts were operating the system. So for me, learning that language was super helpful, because I could start to see my habits and behaviors and, like, recognizing this is not self.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  27:09  

Yeah, and I think, as you're talking about this idea of, like, taking me back to, you know, this time in my childhood, this is all completely unconscious, right? Like we don't usually, until we start to really get present with it, know that this is happening and that we're acting out something from a memory that's been stored in our bodies. The way that my therapist describes it is, it's kind of like, if you have a bruise on your body and someone like, brushes up against it, then you're gonna make Ouch, right? Like it's gonna hurt a little bit. And it's kind of similar that these memories, it's like, you know, we've got this bruise or some kind of injury or trauma, and then it's like, whatever's happening, there's a stimulus that's like, rubbing up on that, and then we respond from that place.

Melissa Romano  27:57  

Exactly. It's completely reactionary. And that's what I mean by connected. Like I I have gone most of the time, not 100% of the time, from reacting to responding through connection. Like I have to be connected to it all to be able to witness what is happening and observe what's happening and then choose to respond how I want to, as opposed to reacting out of these behavioral patterns, these protective patterns, these nervous system patterns, like all of the things right there, it was just habitual patterns, like I learned, you know, at eight years old, the way to survive this feeling is to do this, this and this, and I don't want to do that at 40. So often it's like, okay, you know, I see you and I hear you. I totally understand why you want to respond this way, but I like, I've got you. Here's how I'm going to respond. So it's, it's, it's a big shift in the way we view ourselves.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  29:00  

Yeah, it's like you were saying before about actively choosing. You can't actively choose a response when you're just reacting automatically and when you're when you're not aware of it, and so kind of building that awareness so that you can respond. And I love what you're saying here, about kind of making that decision of I'm not going to respond as my 11 year old self or my eight year old self. I'm going to respond as myself now. How do you recommend making that shift? I remember seeing as I was binging all of your content on Instagram, which, by the way, everyone make sure you follow Melissa, we'll link her in the show notes, where to find her on reclaiming Melissa. She has some really great content, but I remember you saying something about healing trauma, like the idea of healing trauma, and it's not always to go back to that place. So tell tell me more about that.

Melissa Romano  29:56  

Like I said, I had a long history of trauma, and. And, you know, like everyone else, I once, I started seeking therapy, I wanted to try all of the things. And there are so many things that are event based therapies, right? Whether that is talk therapy or EMDR or a lot of PTSD therapy modalities are centered around event based things. Going back to this time, talking about this experience. And, you know, for a lot of us, it's kind of like, Oh my gosh. Like, what do you do you want the 30 from when I was three? Do you want the 120 from when I was 19? Like, do you want? Where, what? How many events do you want to work through? You know, and it became exhausting, like I was exhausted by the whole thought of it. And it's like, how do I, you know, I remember at one point like, having a good experience in therapy. And I thought, okay, yeah, cool. If I keep this up, I'll be through it all in 130 years. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  30:54  

Yeah. 

Melissa Romano  30:57  

And then I then, you know, I was like, this can't be the only way. When I started to learn more about, like, the whole system and all of the things, and I have found, like, I made huge leaps in my own healing. And then, you know, same thing with a lot of my clients, not that I let that go, not that I don't still like, oh, when a memory or something comes up that I don't still, like, address it and talk about it. But when I learned these different modalities, when I learned IFS I was like, Okay, wait a second, so it's not me. Like, think of that firefighter, right? Like that little girl learned this protective response. Like, when I feel this, I'm gonna jump in and I'm gonna put out this fire immediately. So it's like she's standing there, this, this little girl standing there with this fire hose trying to put out the fire on this house that no longer exists. I'm so I've lived decades since that. I don't have to go back and say, look, oh, I need to rebuild this house and redo this foundation and, like, fix this house to then feel okay, I need to go and get her and, like, put that fire hose down and be like, Hey, we're already out of that. We're 40 years old now. You live with me now. I'm in charge. Look around this house. There are no angry people, no one's yelling around here, like you're safe now. And that was like, I have cold chills even thinking about it, like, still to this, still do this as a practice and as a way that I move through things, throughout my my life, and the healing that came with that, and the empowerment that came with that, like, wait a second, I don't have to keep and by all means, go to all of the therapy and all of the people, but I don't have to look for other people to fix this. Like it's me the whole time.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  32:51  

Isn't that always the realization?

Melissa Romano  32:53  

Always it's like, yes, you already have everything that you need. So it just became much more relieving to me and much less like it wasn't a daunting task anymore, and it was like building a relationship instead of having to, like, you know, trudge through all of the pain and all of that you know, and I still feel it, but it's not like, you know, again, like going back and having to fix it. The house is not there anymore. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  33:23  

Yeah.

Melissa Romano  33:24  

What am I going to do with it? You know, talk about these things like, Oh, I, you know, I need to figure out how to get through my my trauma. It's like I am through it. I already survived that. I need to figure out how to live. So that shift was like, Okay, I'm on to something now again, I just started making these, like, huge leaps in in my own healing.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  33:51  

Yeah, yeah. I love that, reminding me of, like, evolutionary biology and how many, many years ago, the way that our brains were conditioned and built were to escape saber toothed tigers and, you know, fight and flight and freeze and and as we've evolved, we continue to keep that and instead of it being a saber toothed tiger, it's someone not liking us, or an email from our boss or something that's like, triggering this response. That's like planted there, and it sounds like what you're saying is similarly, things are planted there for us in our own lived experience as well. So we've got a lot of things that are pointing us by default to respond in a different way than we probably would choose if we were actively choosing, because you know that it's the what's it ingrained in our embedded in our bodies, in terms of our responses. We're just gonna go and react to your point earlier, and then we have the opportunity to choose to respond. So of course, everyone's probably wondering, well, how do we do that, Melissa?

Melissa Romano  35:00  

So one thing that I always like this is the hill that I will continue to stand screaming on in the moments that we don't need it. And what I mean by that is it's the same thing as if you were like, okay, Melissa, how do I run the marathon? If I sat here and gave you all of these amazing running tips and, like, all of these amazing things. And you took excellent notes, and you were like, okay, when the marathon, when, when it's time, when they say, ready, set go, I'm gonna apply all of these tips. Like, how do you think that's gonna go? And not only that, in this work, what we're also asking is, like, how do I run this marathon and not do my old coping skills, which is the equivalent of stepping up to that marathon and then me saying, okay, use all of those notes that you took. Give me your hair tie and your sports bra and your running shoes. Go. Like, it's gonna go so poorly and painful.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  36:02  

Yeah.

Melissa Romano  36:02  

So it's the same thing. This is, like you said, this the saber toothed Tiger. And the way that we've adopted our lives, we trained, or we were trained, to look for signs of danger. So in this marathon training, we want to train our systems to look for signs of safety, and we do that outside, right, before the marathon gun goes off. We create these moments throughout our day. So for me, one of the first things that I started doing was every time I walked into a new room, whether that was like from my bedroom to my bathroom, my bathroom to my kitchen, or, you know, from my my house to my car, to my car to wherever I was going next. Every time I walked into a new room, I looked around the space like, what do I see? What do I hear? What can I smell like? How does my body feel? And I started to consciously, right, because when we bring our intention to it, that default mode network has to calm down, because all of the energy shifts to like our conscious thinking and our our our intentional thinking. And it's like, you know, I noticed these things, and I trained my system slowly to look for signs of safety, and I did that, right ,every time I walked into a new room. So then, you know, I started practicing that, observe, describe, participate, when it was lower stakes, you know, I a breeze would come through the window, and I was like, Oh, that feels really good. I observe, I describe that experience, and I participate in it for a couple seconds. Or, you know, a little annoyance, you know, I spilled the milk or whatever, and it's like, oh, I observe, I describe her, so, like, lower stakes moments. And what happens is that skill building translates when it's time to run the marathon, right? Like we are, our new way of doing things like our through that consistency, through those small actions. Now, awareness is the skill like, oh, there's a big thing, you know, and I'm much more likely to be present, to be an active participant to be able to start making choices in that moment. Because I have honed the skill of like, okay, I have this stimulus that is, like, triggering to my system, but I have learned like, Oh, I see that, and I see that, and I see that, right? And I've trained myself to, you know, look for signs of safety. You know, it does take practice. Like, it's all about that rebound. How quickly do I get to that? But it's, it's in that marathon training.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  38:49  

Yeah. I hear you saying, like, you walk into a room and you look around and you're looking for external signs of safety. Is it that we're always looking for external signs of safety before we get to the internal or, like, how does that work?

Melissa Romano  39:02  

No, it could. You can feel anything like any, any so I always teach, like, there's three ways of connection, right? Connection to self, like, our interception, what's happening, what's going on in here, you know, are my arms up to my ears? Like, can I Okay, you know, or to the time and space. Do I see, or do I smell? What is the date? What time is it? What do I hear? And then that we can also connect to other living things, whether that's a person or a pet or, you know, the air or the the trees, you know, looking out my window right now like I just saw them, kind of like moving in the wind and connecting to that. So it's really just about connection, and the most accessible way to you can for you to connect in that moment. Because sometimes starting with something, an internal cue, can feel like a lot. Sometimes connecting to another thing can feel like a lot. I have found that in the beginning that one of the easiest ways to connect is through that. Like, what do I see? What do I hear? What is accessible to you? So like, scanning. And the difference is, it's always going to be scanning for signs of safety when we do it on purpose, yeah, when it is subconscious, when it's doing it on its own, it's going to be scanning for, so us just bringing our attention to it in and of itself, so you don't have to actively be like, what in this room makes me feel safe? It's like the fact that you have the ability to intentionally look around the room is in and of itself, sending the message of safety to the system, and that will then send the message to the brain.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  40:42  

Yeah, it's interesting. I'm thinking about a few years ago, I took this course called Positive Intelligence, and it was all about we did these PQ reps throughout the day. So like, three times a day, we would have to do one minute of PQ reps. And it was like, touch each of your fingertips and feel what they feel like, wiggle each of your toes and like, pay attention to wiggling each toe individually. Listen for the furthest away sound, listen for the closest sound. Right? These, like, these little reps. And I remember that I was in a small group, and so many people were saying, like, this is so simple. This is so like, is this really doing anything right? And I think it's so interesting how we tend to discount these, like, little, quote, unquote, little things that maybe don't take a lot of time or effort. And we feel like we need a program, and we feel like we need this obstacle and it needs to be hard, and if it's not super hard, then, like, is it even worth it? Is it even doing anything? So what are your thoughts? What do you say to that?

Melissa Romano  41:48  

Try it with one of your kids, and then tell me. And I genuinely mean this, like, I started to come into my my son will be 10, and I started a lot of this when he was around two. And I also was going through a grueling divorce, you know? So I'm like, having to try to apply these skills, but then I'm like, Oh, well, okay, I can model this behavior, right? And when I started practicing it like I and I will still do this, if I see he has this big emotion. I'll be like, Oh, I observe and describe, and then, like, see if I can help him participate. Oh, I will watch. Oh, that really made you mad. Like, Oh, I can see you're like, you want to stomp your feet and you want to scream and cry and you know, like, oh, let's do it. And I'll do that with him, and I watch how much quicker we move through that, than the hundreds of 1000s of things that I would have tried to say and do otherwise. And then I'm like, yeah, yeah, there's a lot to this. There's a lot, you know, and just like getting I watched that, and then I'm like, is it that simple and and I do understand the frustration. I always say. I feel like, when I did a lot of this and it worked, I felt like Sally Fields at the end of Mrs. Doubtfire, when she's like, the whole time, the whole time, not the whole time, all of this stuff. And it is because, you know, again, when you practice this with your kids, when you watch how effective these things are, when, when he is really in, like, it's intense, and not as much anymore, because he knows what I'm doing, but he'll do a little bit of it himself. But when he was like, five six, and he'd be like, just so dysregulated. I'd be like, what color shirt are you wearing right now? And he's like, oh, blue. And it's like, where's your left knee? And he's like, it's right here. And then you just watching, watching it come down on its own, and like, his awareness coming back to like, and then it would be like, Oh, you were, you're really sad right now. And then, like, being able to work through that, watching how effective it is, you're like, okay, yeah, yeah, it this stuff does really work. Actually, we are primal beings. No matter what, no matter how much we've been domesticated, we are primal. So, yes, it is very complex how we got here. Yes, we have very complex, intricate systems. Yes, all of our experiences have been complex. But that does not mean that the healing is not quite simple, not easy, but simple. Those simple things is where all of the magic is. And, you know, maybe it's not as seductive, right, as some of the other things that can be sold or bought, you know, and some of the other things that are like, but this, you do this one thing one time, and you will be healed like, that's seductive. This stuff is not seductive. It's like, okay, you know this is me, and you know how I how I engage with my life, doesn't make it any less powerful.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  45:09  

I love it. Well, I feel like I could ask you 25 million more questions and we can talk for another four hours, but I know we're coming up on time. And so is there anything that either I haven't asked you, or that you feel really compelled to share. 

Melissa Romano  45:25  

I think the biggest thing is remembering that you already have everything that you need. All of this stuff came factory settings. You know, we, from a very young age, were directed away from ourselves are told like, well, you don't feel that way, or that's nothing to cry about, or it's not that serious. Or, you know, you're you were little, and you thought that you could climb a rock wall, and somebody was like, No, you can't. You're going to get hurt. And you're like, oh, maybe I don't know. Like, maybe my body doesn't know. I always hesitate to say domestication process, but it's true like that is through that process we were directed away from self. That does not mean that it's not already in there factory settings that you don't already know or have all of the information because you do. It's all already in there. It's all already available to you. It's all already accessible to you, that is the magic. Like you are the authority, and all of your providers and all of your therapists and all of your people should be operating like the support system, not the authority.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  46:34  

I love that. I love that. Well, where can people find you, and how would they engage with you? What do you offer? Tell us more about that.

Melissa Romano  46:43  

So all of my social media handles are Reclaiming Melissa. So Tiktok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, everything is under reclaiming Melissa. My website is reclaiminghealthy.com. All of the information my signature program Connected Healing. It has a community and a signature course, and like all of these little mini courses and then live group coaching. I do still work one on one with people, and basically, like all of my social media, all of the things reach out anytime, like I'm always happy to engage and connect with people. Yeah, I have the Vagus Nerve Deck can be found on Amazon, and my website has kind of everything on there. I do retreats, I will have live workshops, and October, I'll be at Omega Institute in New York. So all of my information is on my social media and on my website and and I just love connecting with people.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  47:36  

Wonderful. Well, I have loved connecting with you, and I really appreciate everything that you shared today. I love this conversation, and I can't wait for everyone to hear it. So thank you so much, Melissa, for being here with us. 

Melissa Romano  47:44  

Thank you again for having me. This has been delightful.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  47:49  

Yes, thank you, and thank you everyone so much for tuning in, and we will see you all next week. Bye. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  47:55  

If you're loving what you're learning on this podcast, I want to invite you to come join me for the executive mom reset. We offer both one on one and group coaching formats, and our next group is starting in October 2025. I created the executive mom reset to help high achieving moms feel less anxious, more competent and more in control of their lives. Instead of feeling like you're being pulled in 100 different directions, you'll learn how to pause, reset and approach challenges with clarity and confidence. You'll stop running on autopilot, stop second guessing yourself all the time, and stop letting stress, guilt and overwhelm dictate your day. You'll walk away with the tools and the confidence that you can use every day to feel stronger, more empowered and more in alignment with the life you want to be living. Head on over to coachleanna.com to learn more and to get signed up. I really hope to see you there.