GREATEST HITS - Conscious Decision Making

Welcome to the executive coach for moms podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy, while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host Leanna Laskey McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic, and certified executive coach. 

Hi, everyone Happy Independence Day. I know this day hits differently for different folks out there. So I want today to focus on the independence and freedom theme for the day because freedom happens to be one of my top values. I know that depending on everyone's physical and societal place in the world, we unfortunately have different levels of freedom. But I do believe that freedom is a fundamental human right. And I think it's so important for us to exercise our right to freedom in whatever ways we can. 

One of the freedoms that we have is in the decisions we make about how we spend our time on this earth during our one and only precious life. And I just think it's so important to consciously choose that, because I think it's so easy and so common to get into the inertia of our lives just pushing or pulling us forward without really stopping to give much thought or attention as to whether we're on a path that we actually want to be on, whether or not we're living the lives that we want to live. But that is our choice. And I strongly believe that our freedom and our independence lie in creating the lives of our dreams, living on our terms, and not on anyone else's. So today, and every day, I wish you the strength and the power to make choices that align with your values. And that move you closer to the vision that you have for your own life. It is yours and only yours to live. I hope you enjoy this episode about making conscious decisions. It felt like the most fitting for a day called Independence Day. Enjoy.

Hi, everybody, and welcome back. Thank you so much for joining me. Today I would like to talk about decision making. And in particular, the big decision that I made in the fall of 2020, to leave my executive job to spend time with my daughter and focus full time on her. It took me several months to make this decision. But honestly, in the end, when I actually made it, it was a really easy decision to make, because it was a decision that aligned with my values and my vision for my life. And I had spent a lot of time -- a lot of time -- thinking about it and mulling it over. And so when the time came, I just knew and I was I was just ready. And I made that decision very consciously. So really kind of the idea of living in limbo, with this big decision looming, it's not very healthy, and it's not a great way to live. I don't know about you, but for me, when I have a big decision to make, my brain is just mulling it over and over and over and over. And it's like I'm in this Groundhog Day Hell, where every day, I wake up, and my brain just starts going, it just starts thinking it's like it realizes that we're awake and it's like, oh, yes, now it's time to think about that thing again, and look at it from every angle, and cut it up and analyze it. And so I spent several months doing that for way too long. And I think one of the things that we often forget or just aren't maybe consciously aware of is that the status quo -- remaining in the status quo -- is a decision, it just doesn't feel like it, you know, we don't wake up every morning and then consciously decide to continue living the life that we're living, we just kind of go about our day. But that's really what's happening, we're making a decision, every time we get out of bed. Every time we go off to work, every time we prioritize one thing over another, we're making these small decisions every day that we aren't even necessarily conscious about. And so I'd like to talk today about ways that we can think about decisions a bit more consciously. And I'm going to share four things that helped me when I was making this decision. And this applies to this decision, so if you're in a place where you're trying to decide, do I want to continue working full time in my job, do I want to pivot and you know, maybe take a step away from work and do something part time, or start my own business, or spend my full time focus on my kid or children, it could be that decision that you're contemplating or it could be something completely different. Really, I think the information and the tips that I'll share today will help with any decision that you might be facing, I'll just be talking about it in relation to this decision. 

The first thing is that I think it's important to remember or realize that there is no right decision. Whenever we look at a decision making process, the outcome being that we've either make a right decision or a wrong decision, it just puts so much pressure on that decision, right. And if you have perfectionist thinking like I do, then you're going to spend hours, days, months years making sure that you make the quote unquote, right decision because it would just kill you if you made the wrong decision. And so when we have that when we set it up, like there's a right decision and a wrong decision, then we're really kind of setting ourselves up for failure. We're putting so much pressure on ourselves. And so our brains really kind of like to picture like paint this picture that we're either going to end up so happy, and so content in a much better place than we are now or it's gonna be terrible. The world's gonna end everyone's going to be mad at us because we made the wrong decision. And honestly, I mean, I know as I lay it out like that we know but neither of those are true for every decision we make, or every place that we're in everywhere is going to have pros and cons. We're going to love some things about it and we're going to not like some things about it right. So I really enjoyed working, and I really also enjoy spending time with my daughter during the day. And there were also things about working that I didn't like, and there are things about full time momming that I don't like. And so I think it's important to remember that life is 50/50. No matter what we choose, no matter where we are, we're going to have positive experiences and negative experiences. So maybe we take the pressure off a little bit, by expecting that one decision is going to bring us euphoric happiness every single day of our lives and we'll never be sad. And another decision we make is just going to be absolute hell and terrible and we're going to live in regret for the rest of our lives. And so I think that what we want to do instead is really just make the best decisions for our future self, based on the data that we have now. And so instead of asking yourself, what is the right decision, maybe just change the question, because maybe that isn't the question to ask. Maybe instead, you could ask a question like, what what decision aligns most closely with my values? And that might require some work to and time to get a little bit clearer on your values? What are your values and you know, so that you can make decisions that align with them? And the other question to ask is what decision that moves me closer to the vision I have for my life? Again, you might need to spend a little bit of time getting clear on your vision for your life. So, again, not focusing on is as a right decision is as the wrong decision. But is this decision going to align with my values? And is it going to get me closer to the vision I have for myself for my life for my family? 

The second thing I would offer is that I think a lot of times our brain like the simplicity of two choices, right? If there's so many places in our lives, and in the world, where it's black and white, it's, you know, it's Republican or Democrat, it's, it's one or the other, it's right or wrong, right, we only have two choices. In many cases, we kind of set it up that way. So I would encourage you to think of more and just take off any limitations, take them and put them off to the side for a minute, just pretend that they don't exist for now, and allow your brain to kind of really get in the space of looking for possibilities. So when I was making the decision, for example of should I stay, or should I go, those are the two options, right? That I start with, I can stay here and continue in the status quo. Or I can quit my job and let go of our nanny and stay home and be home be with my daughter full time. Or there are lots of other options as well. So when I did this exercise, I went through to see what are all the other possibilities. So I could work part time at this current job, I could find a part time job elsewhere, I could do contract work, I could get another job that was less demanding, maybe not an executive role, or an executive role at a company owned by a woman who you know, was very progressive thinking about working mothers, I could restart my coaching business, there were so many different options that I had, that I had to really kind of set aside the limitations and open myself up to all these different options. And so consider it all and recognize that you're making decisions in each of them. So for example, you might say, quitting my job isn't an option, because then I wouldn't be able to pay my mortgage. Inherent in that statement is a decision because paying your mortgage actually is a decision that you're making. Someone else might not choose to do that. And so I think sometimes we disempower ourselves when we pretend or believe that there are these limitations upon ourselves that we've actually put there and that we sometimes don't allow ourselves to consider other options. Maybe if you open up the possibilities, and take the limitations off the table, maybe something else needs to happen there are so many other options to consider to make decisions that are aligned with your values and your vision for your life. So I think that's the second thing is just take out all the constraints and just only consider possibility just kind of like a brainstorming session at work then you can really decide on your desired course of action and and then you can figure out how to handle the constraints to make it possible. I'm not saying that they just go away because you made them go away in your brainstorming session. But you know, once you find out what is it that you really want, then you can work to make it happen. And maybe it's a longer term plan and a change that you're deciding to make doesn't happen right away. But maybe it's something that you decide to work toward, to do in the future. So I would just encourage you to empower yourself, by considering all the options that are available to you, not just limiting to two

The third thing I would suggest is to check in with your head, your heart and your gut. If you're not familiar with it, there's a concept of the idea that we have three brains, one in our head, one in our heart, and one in our gut. And a lot of times, we only listen to the one in our head. That's how we've been brought up, especially for high achieving women, I think a lot of times, we've been kind of taught to turn off our emotions and ignore them so that we can lead with our brain and our logic and make decisions. And so I think it's really important, though, to remember that our heart and our gut also have data to share, too. It's not necessarily that we are making a decision based on emotions, or like we're not using our heads, you know, all these sayings that turn us off from hearing other parts of our body and our intuition. But it's more that we're looking for additional data. So the way that I think about a fully aligned decision is whenever my head, my heart, and my gosh, are all on board at the same time. It doesn't happen often, I'm not going to lie, but I think those are the decisions where you just know, right, like you say, I just knew, I just knew that this is where I wanted to get married. This is where I wanted to go to college, this is the job I wanted. This is who I wanted to be a partner with, et cetera. And so when all three have gotten on board simultaneously, that is awesome, right? Because then you know, you know for sure that that's what you want to do. However, maybe that's not the case right now. So if you're feeling a certain way, and you're stuck in indecision, a lot of times it's because your head and your heart and your gut are saying different things. For me, my heart and my gut were on board a long time before my head would agree to this plan to hang out with my daughter full time and to walk away from a very well paying executive role that I worked really hard for. And so when we say we have to wrap our head around it, usually it's like we already know the answer, but we have to kind of do all the logical thinking about it to determine all the details and to honestly get our head on board with what we know is best. I think it's really important to like I said, check in with each one of those and see what each one is saying and figure out what's going on. Maybe, for example, your head is where you're going to spend time figuring out the finances, and you know what it's going to look like financially for you and your family. And so maybe you need to spend some time doing that to make it a possibility if it's something that you want to consider. In any decision now, I always ask, I always check in with each one and try to understand where I'm getting resistance and where I am on board with that decision and very clear about the direction that we should go. 

The final thing I want to offer is that it's likely that you're probably going to disappoint someone. And I think the question is, who is it acceptable to disappoint? Is it okay that you disappoint yourself? Is it okay that you disappoint your partner, your children, your boss, etc, right? If I'm going to be on my deathbed, looking back over my life thinking, Man, this is just not really how I saw this going, but at least John isn't disappointed in me. I'll tell you, that's just not the life I want to live. And so for me, I believe that the last person we should disappoint is ourself. I think it's important to feel good about what we do on this earth and how we spend our time, I think that we are given certain talents and knowings within ourselves, for us to recognize how we can best show up in the world and what's best for us and other people have that too for themselves. And it's not really fair to apply that to anybody else. And it's not really fair for anybody else to apply that to us and expect that we should be doing the same things that they they are because what they're doing is best for them and what we're doing is best for us. So for this decision in particular that I was making, my daughter at 18 months old did not have an expectation that I quit my job and spend all of my time with her of course, so it wasn't like I was disappointing her by choosing to stay at my job, but I realized for me that I was disappointing myself by cutting short the time that I was able to spend with her. I think it's really hard, especially as a woman in this culture to feel like we're letting someone down. When I decided to leave my job, I replayed the conversation that I was going to have with my boss like 10,000 times in my head before I actually had it. I had a whole coaching session about how I would tell him, I had so much anxiety about it, I lost way too much sleep over it. And you know what he did? He hired someone to replace me, which is usually what happens when someone leaves a job. I lost way more sleep thinking about it than he did, I'm sure. I mean, obviously, yes, of course, it was a big transition for the team that I was leading. Some people left as a result of me leaving. And you know, I'm sure that in some ways, it would have been easier for everyone around me if I had just stayed. But it was maybe easier for everyone but me and I just wasn't really okay with prioritizing everybody else over what I needed in this situation. So if disappointing someone is playing into your decision, and it is totally okay that it, is just totally normal that it is there's no shame in it, I just would encourage you to think about future you. So five or 10 years down the road from now, who is that person think about her and ask her what's going to make you feel more disappointed in me. And remember, if someone really truly cares about you, then they are going to want what's best for you. And only you can possibly know what's best for you. 

So to recap, things to consider when making a big decision. 1. There is no perfect right decision. And there are no wrong decisions. There's a set of benefits, and a set of consequences that go along with each option. 2. There are never only two choices, never only two options, open your mind to all of the possibilities. 3. Head, heart and gut check ins -- so important to do. What's your heart saying about this? What's your head saying about this? And what is your gut saying about this? It's important to listen to all three; doesn't mean that you're going to do what any of the one tells you to do; it's just data, just data for you to take into consideration as you're making this decision. 4. And finally, you're going to disappoint somebody, just don't let it be yourself. So whether you are in the midst of a major life decision, or if you're just trying to decide what to have for dinner, I hope that this gives you some helpful things to think about as you're making your next decision. Thank you so much for tuning in and hope to see you next week. Have a great week, everyone!

Thanks so much for tuning in to the executive coach for moms podcast. Please like subscribe or follow the show so you'll be notified when the next episode is available. I hope you'll join me again next time. Take care.