Feeling Stuck? 4 Steps to Getting Unstuck and Taking Action

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Welcome to the executive coach for moms podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host. Leanna Laskey McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic and certified executive coach. 

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for being here today and Happy Women's History Month. I love March because it's my birth month and it's also Women's History Month. So this month, I really want to focus on sharing things with you that I have found to be really empowering for me and for my clients, and that I think will be really empowering for you, because that's what I want, for women to feel empowered to do the things that we want to do, to live the lives that we want to live. That's my dream, for all of us. So here's what I want to talk about. 

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Have you ever set a goal, felt excited about it, and then just kind of found yourself not following through? Or maybe you know what the right thing to do is, and yet you can't seem to get yourself to do it. Or you have a dream or a vision and you so badly want to work toward it, but you're not. I just want to say that this is normal. This is so normal. I coach people all the time on this. I get coaching for it all the time as well. It happens to everyone, and our society believes often that it is about a lack of willpower or discipline, and it's really not. That might be a factor, and we might want to look at at that as well, but it's really not the root of it. It is not that you're lazy or incapable, and it's definitely not that you will be stuck forever. It's just that you're listening to the wrong part of your brain. So I want to share some information with you today that I believe is so important, so empowering, and that will hopefully allow you to release judgment of yourself and all the guilt and shame that you feel for not doing the thing that you say you want to do, and I'm going to share some strategies to shift your thinking. So let's jump into it. 

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First, I want to talk about two parts of our brain that are really important to better understanding what's going on here. First, there's the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is where your hopes, dreams and goals live. It has the ability to really plan and vision and look into the future. It's responsible for long term planning, decision making and creating the life that you want. And this part of your brain also has the capability of impulse control, of putting off instant gratification and short term pleasure in service of a longer term goal. So that's the prefrontal cortex. 

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The second part I want to talk about is the amygdala, or the survival brain. The amygdala is primary job is to keep you safe, not to help you grow. It sees change and challenge and discomfort as threats to your safety. It offers thoughts designed to keep you where you are, which is stuck, but also safe. Because when we are kind of like, we go into a cave and we're just in there, then theoretically we're safer, because, you know, no harm can come to us. And so that's really what this part of the brain, the amygdala would love for us, is for us to kind of like, go into a cave, hide out, stay there, stay stuck and stay safe. A framework that a lot of my clients find helpful, since so many of us are moms, is the idea of the toddler brain and the adult brain. So thinking about the amygdala as the toddler brain, the one that wants everything right now and can't wait, and, you know, wants that instant gratification. And the adult brain, the prefrontal cortex, that has the ability to see past the current moment and see past what's right in front of you. And think about the bigger picture, and think about what you really want. And I think if you're around toddlers regularly, or if you have been then you can see what it looks like when the amygdala is running the show, because it is for toddlers, because the prefrontal cortex actually doesn't fully develop until your mid 20s. Even any age of children, we can see that the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed, and just like a toddler, resists change. If you think about transitions, going from the park to the car, going from the house to the car to go to the park, any transitions that happen with toddlers and young children, that's usually the hardest time of the day, and that is because the amygdala does not like change. 

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And so I want to share this concept of the motivational triad, because the motivational triad is really a big reason of why your brain resists change. So the amygdala operates with three basic survival instincts. One is to seek pleasure. Two is to avoid pain, and three is to conserve energy. So in seeking pleasure at once instant gratification like scrolling or snacking or Netflix, instead of deep work, it's not interested in doing a big project. It's like, I want to do this thing right now that's going to get me a dopamine hit. That's going to give me instant gratification. It is seeking pleasure. The second thing is avoiding pain. So this part of the brain really avoids discomfort at all costs. So things like like fear of failure and fear of judgment, this part of our brain does not want us to have any pain, whether that be physical, emotional, mental, etc. And then the third survival instinct is conserving energy. So this part of our brain really prefers the path of least resistance. So this is where you'll see procrastination showing up, avoiding effort. You know, we might want to do something, but it's going to take too much effort, and so it's like telling us it's going to be too hard, it's just too much. And these instincts were great for survival 1000s of years ago, but now they sabotage our personal growth and they keep us stuck. They were really made for ancient times just to carry on the human race. So let's look at each of those instincts through that lens of thinking about why they were so important for carrying on the human race, and in some ways continue to be, but unfortunately, they're still operating like there's a saber toothed Tiger out to get us, and we don't have a housing structure to keep us safe.

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So first looking at seeking pleasure that was put there so that we would want to have sex and procreate and carry on the species. And so, of course, in modern days, there are a lot of other pleasures beyond that, a lot of other ways to seek pleasure, like binging on ice cream or alcohol or drugs or porn or Netflix or any of these kind of quick pleasures that we can get immediately, get that dopamine hit. The second, avoiding pain. It makes us want to avoid coming into contact with predators. Makes us want to always be on the lookout for a saber toothed Tiger coming to get us. And so now, in modern days, where we live in housing structures, not amongst the animals, it sees predators as other people's opinions or public speaking or putting yourself out there, or doing really anything that feels scary and could cause some level of emotional pain. And then the third instinct of conserving energy was really there so that we could escape or fight off a predator, if necessary, so that we could save our energy up, so that whenever that predator was near, you know, we could either run as fast as we could to escape it, or we could fight back, and we'd have the energy to do either one of those things. But now it likes to tell us to lay on the couch and watch Netflix instead of doing anything that requires energy, like writing a few pages in the book that we've been dreaming about writing, or going to the gym and exerting energy toward our fitness goal. 

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So I just want you to notice that it's not that we're lazy and it's really just that there's a part of our brain that is genuinely trying to help us. It's doing its intended job, but it's just kind of not always necessary and maybe slightly misguided, I like to think about I used to live in Texas and down in the south, we had a saying where we would say, bless their heart, bless his heart, bless her heart. And that's what I think about when my brain is offering me these thoughts, when it's telling me I'm going to fail. I'm going to embarrass myself. People are going to laugh at me, whatever. I'm just like, Oh, bless your heart. Thank you so much for trying to keep me safe, and so that's really what it's doing. It's doing its job of keeping us safe. But like I said before, we don't have saber tooth tigers out there. We have different things that we are now looking at as perceived threats. 

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So it is possible to override the amygdala by actively and intentionally engaging your prefrontal cortex. I want to share four strategies to really activate the prefrontal cortex. So first is noticing and labeling safety thoughts. An important component here is awareness, awareness of what thoughts is my brain offering me right now and whenever I notice it's a safety thought, instead of believing every thought that comes through, I have the opportunity to label it. Oh, that's just my brain trying to keep me safe again. Or, like I said before, bless its heart. Bless your heart, Brain, you're trying so hard to keep me safe. Thank you so much. This actually is not as big of a threat as what you're thinking about it right now. Or maybe this threat is kind of perceived and not real, or maybe it's a legitimate threat, and we have the opportunity to weigh that against what we want to do, you know and see well, is my fear of people laughing me off the stage greater than my desire to get my message across, to go up on stage and share what I want to say, and then we can make a decision about it. But I think what's important here is that for most humans, most people are just like letting that amygdala offer those thoughts, and then we believe them, and then we let that drive our actions. So I'm going to get laughed off the stage, and then that's whenever I go and watch Netflix, or that's when I go and seek some kind of comfort, or I start scrolling, so that I don't have to think about the awful possibilities of me getting laughed off the stage, and I have the opportunity to make a decision about that. Is that what I want to do, do I want to let that be a reason? Okay, so that's number one, is really just noticing those safety thoughts, labeling them and then deciding what to do with them. 

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And number two is creating and revisiting your vision daily. So being really clear about what is my goal? What is my vision? What am I working toward? And spending time every day revisiting that? Because whenever you are creating a vision that is activating your prefrontal cortex, that is coming from your prefrontal cortex, right? And so you have the opportunity to then re engage that, and we have to do it all the time, and then setting daily intentions as well. So how do I want to show up today? What do I want to bring to my day to day? So really, it's training your brain to focus on what you want instead of what's comfortable in the moment. And when I say what you want, I mean like, what you want, big picture, and then journaling and reflecting. So I cannot overstate how important I think a journaling practice is, writing down your thoughts makes them visible and less automatic. And so if you want kind of a prompt to do every morning when you wake up, just spend five minutes dumping out all of your thoughts on a new piece of paper or onto the Notes app on your phone or onto a computer screen that you're typing. I like to do it handwritten, just because it slows my thoughts down a bit. But just write down all the things that you're thinking and just start to notice what your thoughts are and then decide which ones you want to believe. I think that is so helpful. It helps us to practice so that whenever we are in the moment, then we start to train our brain so that we can notice and label those safety thoughts more when they're happening, and the journaling practice really helps us to create more of that awareness. 

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And then fourth, of course, coaching and self coaching, counseling, some kind of practice where you are getting perspective on your thoughts, and someone else is there looking at it with you. I think that this practice is so important, and this is why I offer coaching. This is what I love about coaching. This is why I get coaching myself as well, because I think it's so important for us to have someone else look at our thoughts together with us, because they're not attached to them in the same way that we are. If I'm coaching someone and they offer a thought I might pick up on something, and ask a question about it, and then they realize, Oh yeah, that's not actually a thought that I want to believe. That's just one of those safety thoughts that my brain is offering, and I have been letting it make my decisions for me, and I don't want to do that anymore. Understand that it takes regular practice and intention. If your amygdala is currently running the show the majority of the time, like it is for so many people, then you're going to need time to build this muscle, much like going to the gym or brushing your teeth. It's not like you do it a few times and then suddenly, like your teeth are clean forever, or your muscles are strong forever. You have to have a consistent practice and continue practicing. You have to keep doing it in order to see results. And that's the same thing here. 

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So a few final thoughts that I want to share. First is don't believe everything you think. Thoughts are just sentences in your brain, you get to decide which ones to believe. You get to decide if you want to believe your brain when it tells you that nobody's going to like your proposal, or everyone's going to laugh at you when you're on stage or whatever other things it's trying to tell you in service of you, of trying to keep you safe and stuck. Just a reminder when you feel stuck, it is not because you lack discipline. It's not because you're a lazy potato. It's because your amygdala is running the show in the best way it knows how right, bless its heart. So getting down on yourself and shaming yourself is not going to help. What will help is intentionally reigniting your prefrontal cortex and listening to what it has to say. The key is awareness, noticing, questioning and then choosing thoughts that serve you. 

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So I just want to ask, what is one small way that you can activate your prefrontal cortex today, right now, as soon as you turn off this podcast episode? I hope this has been helpful for you. I hope it allows you to create the kind of life that you want to create, and to feel more empowered and get less down on yourself, because it's just a very human thing that we, we all have human brains, and they all operate this way. So thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next week.

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If you're loving what you're learning on this podcast, I'd love to invite you to check out The Executive Mom Reset. It's my six month coaching program for ambitious, success driven, career focused women who are ready to stop surviving and start thriving. Together, we'll tackle the stress, guilt and overwhelm that come with being a high achieving executive mom. You'll learn how to set boundaries, prioritize what truly matters, and build the confidence to show up powerfully at work, at home, and for yourself. Head on over to coachleanna.com right now to schedule a free discovery call. We'll spend an hour talking about where you are now, what you want to create, and how I can help you get there, because every woman deserves to live the life of her dreams. Let's create yours together.