Empowering Executive Moms to Recognize Your Own Needs Without Guilt (Taking Care of Yourself #2)

Leanna Laskey McGrath  0:00  

Hi everyone. Before we jump into this week's episode, I wanted to let you know about a new program that I've created for you. After coaching dozens of high achieving, hard working, career focused moms and women who are our executives and leaders, I have learned that there are some tools that I want every woman to know. I teach a lot of it here on this podcast, but I think there's an opportunity to take it a step further. So what I've done is I've taken all the lessons that I find myself saying to all of my clients, the trends that I'm seeing, the teachings I repeat most often, and I've curated them all into an eight week course, the executive mom reset foundations course is going to help you learn the most impactful tools so you can start feeling less stressed and more balanced, so you can show up with more confidence at work and at home, so you can respond rather than react to challenges, and most importantly, so you can reclaim your time and energy for what matters most to you. The program will begin October 21 and if you're interested in joining us, I would really, really love to have you there, because I think there's so much opportunity whenever we bring together a group of women to learn together, coach together, and share our experiences together. You can head on over to coachleanna.com for all the information and to get registered, please don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions, and I really hope you'll join us. Now on to our episode. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  1:39  

Welcome to The Executive Coach for Moms Podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host, Leanna Laskey McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic and certified executive coach. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  2:04  

Hi everyone. Welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for joining me today. And welcome to week two of the taking care of yourself series. I am so excited to continue this conversation, last week, we talked about why we don't meet our own needs, why we don't take care of ourselves, what gets in the way, and how so much of that comes from the way that we were socialized, the way that we have received messages from our culture, and the guilt and pressure of hustle culture. We have been taught to put everyone else first, to prioritize everyone else's needs over our own. We only usually get the little tiny bit of leftovers that we have after taking care of everyone else and making sure that we're doing well at work, and that our kids are good, and that our partner's good, and that our loved ones are taken care of, and then there's not much left for us. We've been taught that we have to keep moving and pushing forward so that no one else passes us by. And also we've been taught that meeting our own needs is selfish or indulgent, and so today I want to go deeper into this idea of meeting our own needs, because I think one of the most damaging messages that we absorb is that having needs somehow makes us less valuable or higher maintenance or more of a liability, that if we could just be endlessly available and completely self sufficient, that means that we're worth more, more valuable to a company or to a relationship. And of course, that's not true. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  3:59  

Having needs is part of being human, and we all have different needs in different seasons. When it comes to our employers and feeling needy at work, I think sometimes we have to remember that our workplaces were set up for men, and men have different needs than women, and mothers have different needs than non mothers in the workplace, and that doesn't mean that our needs aren't valid, even if they're not the default ones that the company's been thinking about since the beginning of time. It's not our fault if the company has not evolved yet to recognize the needs of its diversified workforce. But I think the question becomes, how do we shift that mentality that we have, that belief that we are inconveniencing someone else anytime we have a need? How do we start to recognize and honor our needs and then actually work on meeting them? I believe that in adulthood, it is our responsibility to know what our needs are and to meet our own needs, and I think it's our responsibility as parents to help our kids recognize their own needs and start to learn how to meet them. Of course, when they're children, it's our jobs to help them meet them, but here's the thing, they can only learn that skill from us if we know how to do it. If we aren't modeling what it looks like to listen to our bodies and our minds and tune in to what we need and then prioritize meeting our needs, then they aren't going to learn that skill either. I think especially for our daughters, it's so crucially important that they see us honoring our needs so that they can learn to honor theirs. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  5:49  

So why is meeting our needs so important? Well, one, of course, our kids are watching us, and that feels really important to make sure that they understand that it's all of our jobs to meet our needs. And second, I think there's just the simple truth, the reality that when we continuously push our needs aside, more and more over time, that is going to catch up with us. Eventually, something will force us to stop and notice our needs. Our bodies will get sick, our minds will suffer, our relationships will suffer. We will burn out. It might show up as a health scare, as a breakdown, or as constant resentment bubbling up at home, but at some point those unmet needs are going to demand your attention, and so I like to think of it as if we are meeting our needs every day, then they don't have to bubble up. We don't have to wait until it's an emergency, a five alarm fire for us to actually pay attention to it, because when it gets to that point, we have way less control over it, but when it's on the day to day, that's where we have a lot more control. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  7:08  

So here's the good news, we do not have to wait until we're at our breaking point. We can shift to being proactive. And if you haven't been proactive about meeting your needs up until now, this is not permission to shame yourself for that. This is simply just an invitation to start thinking about it in a different way. Because I know it can feel really overwhelming. I know that whenever your plate is already overflowing, meeting your needs sounds like just one more task that there isn't time for. How am I supposed to schedule that doctor's appointment or make it to the gym or meal prep healthy meals, and do everything else that I need to do, all my other responsibilities? So let's reframe it, and we talked last week about some of the reframes that are available. Meeting your needs is not about doing everything at once. It's about noticing what you can do and what's possible today. What need can I meet right now with the resources that I have? And I like to use Maslow's hierarchy. I always think about things in terms of Maslow's hierarchy when it comes to needs, because I'm a really visual person. So if you studied psychology in college, you probably remember this, and feel free to give it a Google if you want a refresher of the visual, but at the foundation are our physiological needs. So things like food, sleep, water, shelter, rest. These are really the basics. And I know if you're in a season with a newborn or a toddler or even a young child, maybe sleep is not a need that is met on a regular basis. And I think what's important here is that we recognize that that doesn't mean we throw the whole thing out, that we just stop meeting any of our needs, not an all or nothing kind of situation. But looking at what are some other needs that I can meet today? Maybe I didn't get enough sleep last night, hopefully I will tomorrow night. But in the meantime, what can I do today? Maybe I can drink some more water today. Maybe I can choose nourishing food that makes my body feel good and gives me more energy. Maybe I can take a couple of minutes to stretch and breathe. So what I love about the framework of Maslow's hierarchy is that we might not meet every single need, and that's okay. We're not looking for perfection here, we are looking for what can we do today? 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  9:46  

So the next level up is safety and security, our health, our stability, a safe home, financial security. And then comes love and belonging. So friendship, intimacy, connection, we sometimes underestimate how vital connection is, especially as we just get going through our days, and we're just trudging forward or doing the sprint throughout the day to get through all the things that we have to do, and we kind of forget how much connection can give us a text conversation with a friend, having coffee with a colleague, or even just like five minutes of genuine presence with your partner or with your kids, that can shift so much. That can really give you so much and maybe meet the need for connection that you haven't been meeting and maybe that's why you feel exhausted or you feel depleted. And the next step is self esteem. So confidence, achievement, respect, the need to contribute and make an impact. And I know that you probably have not given up on the achievement aspect. We are high achieving women here, and so we are going to continue to achieve regardless of if our needs are met or not. But I think the question becomes, what is our definition of achievement that might change and evolve over time. Maybe my career achievement, maybe I'm going to measure that differently now than I used to. So for example, myself, as a business owner, I used to have metrics around my revenue only, and now, as a mom, I have metrics around my revenue as well as I want to achieve this much revenue, but with constraints on my time. I want to do it without cutting into this time that I have set aside for other things that are important to me. So we can change the measures of success for ourselves, as We've talked about so much on this podcast, and change how we view achievement. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  12:04  

And then at the very top is self actualization, creativity, purpose, growth and meaning. One of the foundational components of Maslow's theory is that in order to move up the pyramid, those basic needs have to be met underneath it. So again, it doesn't mean that every single need in every area has to be met, but we do need to meet some of those needs in order to get up to the top of the pyramid, into the place that we might want to be self actualization, where we can really feel like we are making a difference in the world, where we have meaning in our life. So those are some of the different kinds of needs that we have as humans. And putting that into practice is what I want to talk about next. Because anytime we are not at our best, we are not acting in a way that we feel proud of, it is just about always because some need is not being met. That's why kids act out, because they are trying to communicate that they need a need met, even though they're not using those words and they're using a different behavior. And adults do the same thing. We have these underlying needs, and we don't always know how to communicate them or how to meet them, and so we have these behaviors that are out of alignment with who we are and how we would generally operate whenever those needs aren't met. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  13:38  

So for example, if you find yourself snapping at your kids or getting short with your partner or feeling really defensive at work, there's an opportunity to pause and ask yourself what need isn't being met right now, instead of judging yourself for it. And so that brings me to one of my favorite tools, the RAIN framework. RAIN stands for recognize, allow, investigate and nurture. And I love this framework. It's the one that my therapist talks about all the time. And I'm going to be having some different guests on this season, and they're going to be sharing their frameworks. And I love these frameworks as well, and I love having different ones so that you can try on different ones, right, and find out what works best for you. So let me teach you this one. So RAIN starts with recognizing, recognize what's happening. Let's just say that you're in a situation where your partner says something, maybe without any malintent, maybe your partner asks like, hey, when's dinner gonna be or what's for dinner tonight, or some question about dinner, and you immediately feel like your chest tighten up, and then you're just like, snap back at them. And you're like, What was that about? Right? So for the first thing is to recognize it. I think that generally, we're just moving through our day so fast that we don't even take a minute to check in and say, like, Whoa. Okay, that was interesting. So first step is just to recognize, notice when your reaction feels out of character or out of proportion for what's just happened in the moment.

Leanna Laskey McGrath  15:27  

And then the next thing is allow. Allow it to be there. Allow whatever is there to be present. If you are feeling frustrated in that moment, if you're feeling sad in that moment. If you're feeling angry, just allow it, instead of trying to rush past it or to shove it down, just give yourself a minute or two to just sit with it. Because when we allow it, then we can start to get curious about it. And that's the third thing, the I, investigate. So we want to investigate with curiosity, what's underneath this? Why did that comment sting so much? What need might be going unmet? And whenever we take some time to just slow down for a minute and let ourselves feel whatever we feel, take a beat, investigate and figure out, like, oh, wow, that was interesting. And then we get curious. And this part is really, really important, because I think that so often what we do is we snap, and then we feel terrible about it, we feel guilty about it. Or we, like, get more and more fired up about it. Like, how could they possibly think that I would know what's for dinner? Why don't they ever think about this? And why am I the only one who's doing it right? And we just like, send ourselves on this spiral of anger and unpleasant feelings. Or we beat ourselves up because we snapped and we didn't mean to, or we didn't want to, and then we feel guilty about it. But whenever we shift out of judgment and move into a space of curiosity where we are just curiously investigating, like, oh my gosh, that's so interesting. It's like, imagine you're watching your life on a movie screen, and you're in the audience, like, just watching it play out, and just see what you notice. Hmm, what's going on there? Right? Like, just like you would watch a movie, and just kind of try and take away the judgment so that you have more room for the curiosity, because that's where you're going to actually learn something. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  17:41  

And then the fourth thing is nurture. You want to nurture yourself with compassion whatever need is there that's unmet. You want to give it some love, whatever feelings are there. You want to just give yourself some understanding and compassion for whatever behavior, whatever thoughts you're having, and remind yourself that it makes sense to feel this way, and then consider what might help, what need, needs met. So maybe in this situation where my partner's just asked me, What's for dinner, or when's dinner, I take a minute I go through RAIN, and then I get to a point where I realized, you know what, I am just really, really frustrated because I don't feel like we have equally divided the responsibilities. I feel like there's too much on me. I have too much on my plate, and I do not want to be responsible for dinner every night. That's a household responsibility that I would like to figure out a different solution for and not feel like it's always on my shoulders. And so then I have the opportunity to take some action. I've got lots of options here. I can have a conversation with my partner and repair. I can have a conversation with my partner and strategize about, hey, this isn't working for me, and here's why I stopped earlier. I wonder if maybe we can work together to figure something out. Maybe it's that we split the dinner making responsibilities. Maybe it's that we decide to get a meal prep service. Maybe it's that we decide to do takeout a little bit more often. Whatever it might be. You get to decide from that place, but none of that will happen. We aren't going to end up meeting our need if we don't stop for a minute to give ourselves some space to figure out what is that need that needs to be met. And in our next episode, I'll be talking more about how we can advocate for our needs. But here, I just want you to really notice how important it is to get to the root of what the need actually is. Go beyond the behavior. Go beyond the initial thoughts. Let yourself get curious and figure out what is it that yu need, and honor that and know that it's valid. If you need something, you need it for a reason. So don't just discount it and say, No, I'm too needy. I'm too high maintenance, whatever kind of stories your brain might offer, and just recognize, like, what if I did meet that need? 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  20:18  

So here's something I want you to remember. I am not suggesting that you flip a switch overnight. I am not expecting that you would go from ignoring your needs to meeting them 100% of the time. That is not realistic. That's not we're going for here. We want to start with progress. We're not going for perfection. So if right now, you're meeting your needs 10% of the time, then let's aim for 20% that's all we gotta do. We're not trying to go for 100 right now. Let's just work on building the muscle. And over time, the default will start to shift. Instead of the default always being everyone else comes first, maybe we get to a point where it's like, sometimes I'm going to put others first, but sometimes I'm going to put myself first, because I get to decide what's most needed here, and I get to decide if I meet my needs first. One of the like, very small things that I do is every morning, I like to drink a glass of lemon water when I first wake up. And instead of taking care of the dog, taking care of the kiddo and just making sure that everybody has what they need, which is my default, I get myself that glass of water first. And it's a very small thing, but it is a message to myself first thing in the morning. It's one of the very first things I do that, hey, I need to look after myself today too. I'm important too. So you decide what that is for you to signal to yourself and give yourself those reminders that you're responsible for meeting your needs, and that your needs matter and they're important. And remember we talked about last week, when you take care of yourself, it's better for everyone else around you, your kids, your partner, your friends, your colleagues, your family, your team, everybody benefits from your needs being met. I will tell you I'm a lot more pleasant after I've had my glass of lemon water than when I'm super thirsty. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  22:28  

So here's my invitation to you ask yourself today, what's one need I can meet right now? Maybe it's a snack when I'm hungry. Maybe it's a glass of water when I'm thirsty, maybe I need a stretch break, or I need to go outside and get some fresh air for a minute. Maybe it's a phone call to a friend. Notice how you feel when you do it, and also celebrate it. Write it down. Pat yourself on the back, let your brain register that you took care of yourself because you're building that muscle, just like building a new muscle at the gym or learning something new at work or in parenting, you have to do a little bit each day, and you have to start smaller and build that muscle or that skill. That's why I don't love the self care terminology, because it seems like we do a big thing every once in a while, like we go and get a massage once a month or or a bubble bath once a week. I think taking care of yourself is different. It's thinking about all day throughout the day, like, what do I need? And checking in with yourself and staying connected enough to yourself to know what it is that you need, and then to get yourself what you need. And it is absolutely doable. You are capable of so much. Look at all that you have achieved in your life. Certainly you can do this because you are absolutely worthy of having your needs met. And meeting your needs does not take away from others, it multiplies what you're able to give. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  24:01  

So thank you so much for being here today. I cannot wait to hear how you're practicing this and I'll see you next week as we continue our taking care of yourself series. Have a great day everyone. Bye, bye. 

Leanna Laskey McGrath  24:14  

If you're loving what you're learning on this podcast, I want to invite you to come join me for the executive mom reset. We offer both one on one and group coaching formats, and our next group is starting in October 2025. I created the executive mom reset to help high achieving moms feel less anxious, more competent and more in control of their lives. Instead of feeling like you're being pulled in 100 different directions, you'll learn how to pause, reset and approach challenges with clarity and confidence. You'll stop running on autopilot, stop second guessing yourself all the time, and stop letting stress, guilt and overwhelm dictate your day. You'll walk away with the tools and the confidence that you can use every day to feel stronger, more empowered and more in alignment with the life you want to be living. Head on over to coachleanna.com to learn more and to get signed up. I really hope to see you there.