Confidence & Authenticity: Who Are You When You're Not Being Who Everyone Else Needs You to Be?

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Welcome to the Executive Coach for Moms Podcast, where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host, Leanna Laskey McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic and certified executive coach. 

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for joining me today. Today is the third installment of the confidence series. So two weeks ago, two episodes ago, I talked about how embodying a growth mindset creates confidence. Believing that we'll figure it out, and looking for the answer within ourselves, rather than trying to collect all of the information and looking for answers outside of ourselves. So that was the first one. 

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Last week, last episode, I talked about how increased compensation and titles can kind of make us feel some imposter syndrome and believe that we need to give more of our hours and our labor and our energy to cover the gap for that additional compensation. And how we might shift our thinking to looking at how we might give value in different ways than just more hours and more labor. 

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So if you haven't had a chance to check those out yet, definitely give them a listen for some strategies on increasing your confidence. 

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And today, I have a really, really good one for you, and I've got a lot of information to share. I'd like to talk about another area of confidence that's rarely talked about, and that is how our skill of being a chameleon, of shaping ourselves into whoever we think we need to be for our particular situation can have a negative impact on our confidence and also create imposter syndrome. And I think this is such an important topic, because so many women are doing this. We assess a situation or another person, or a room full of people, and we ask ourselves, who do I need to be to get them to like me, to get them to hear me, to have them respect me, and this is often, it's not even like a conscious thought. Our brains are just so good at doing this, because the way that we have been socialized as girls and women is to always think about what everyone else needs around us before we think about our own needs. So this just kind of happens automatically. 

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And honestly, it's a really great skill to have. I actually think it's a superpower, and so I'm not here today to suggest that we just completely abandon it and stop using that skill set, but here's what I do want to suggest. So three things. 

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One is that when we're doing it unconsciously, it can lead to imposter syndrome, because what happens is when we get a positive response for being someone we're not, then we don't build confidence in ourselves. Instead, we believe that that fake version of ourselves is what they want and what they like. It's not actually me they like. It's that other version of me. And so that thought track really erodes our confidence and really creates some imposter syndrome. 

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The second thing is that we are only measuring our success by factors outside of our control. When we put so much focus on what everybody else around us needs, we're relying on other people's responses and opinions of us to tell us whether or not we're good enough, and while it may be true that of course, we want to consider that data so that we can increase our effectiveness and our impact. If we only focus on that data, that can have really problematic impacts on our confidence, because another person's response to us is not fully within our control as much as we believe that it is or want to believe that it is so. 

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Number three is that when we constantly abandon ourselves by asking, what does everybody else need for me, do they like how I'm showing up and letting others determine how we're going to show up when we outsource that decision, that erodes our confidence, because it starts to really erode our relationship with ourselves. So those are what I see as the problem, not the chameleon itself, not that skill set itself, but more thinking about what impact does always being a chameleon have on our confidence. 

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I remember several years ago, one of the things that I was working on in coaching, because as a coach, I am also constantly getting coaching for myself, because I believe so much in the value of coaching and how transformative it can be in our lives. But I told my coach, I want to show up as me all the time. I feel like I am always just somebody different in every room, and I'm always showing up how everyone else needs me to be. But I want to start to be me wherever I go, not whatever version of me I think everybody else needs. I want to be me authentically, 100% Leanna. And she asked, well, how is that? How does Leanna show up? And at that time, that was a really tough question to answer, because my answer was, well, when I'm with these people, I'm like this, and if someone's feeling this way, then I show up like this. And I realized, Wow, I've never started with, how do I want to show up? I've always started with, how do the people I'm talking to need me to show up? So that was a real shift for me to start thinking intentionally about how I wanted to show up, and then taking action from there. 

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And here's something I realized: I do want to show up differently in different situations with different people. Dr Laura sakola, who was on the podcast a few episodes back, talked about this, and I love the analogy that she presented, and she was talking about it from the viewpoint of how we use our language and our tonality, how our voice sounds, and, of course, how we would talk differently, how we would use a different voice with our young kids than we will in a boardroom, but we're still the same person, and we're still being authentic in both of those situations. We're just bringing out different parts of ourselves. She calls it our prismatic voice, and I loved how she put it. So if you haven't gotten a chance to check that episode out yet, please do. But she said, Imagine a light shining through a prism, and that white light coming through the prism then splits the white light into a rainbow of colors. It's all coming from the same white light, but different colors make up that light source. And what I've realized is that I have all these different colors to my personality, to how I show up, and I may bring forward more colors in different situations. So maybe in the boardroom I'm bringing forth my red, and when I'm playing with my daughter, it's more of my orange. Maybe when I'm on stage, it's blue. Maybe when I'm spending time with myself, it's green, or maybe whenever I am coaching my clients, it's purple. 

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And I think the important thing is, is that I'm choosing the colors. That I take the time to get to know the different colors of myself, and then consciously decide and choose what I want to bring forward for those different situations, rather than doing it unconsciously, rather than letting everyone else around me determine how I'm going to show up, rather than looking outside instead of inside. So it's kind of nuanced, right? Because it might not look super different on the outside, because you may not show up completely differently, at least at first, but where it's different is on the inside. It's a huge shift internally, because when you are aware and conscious of this, you don't spend the whole meeting looking for validation that what you said sounded great. You don't leave the meeting questioning yourself and over analyzing and criticizing every little thing you said and did. You don't lay awake at night feeling that deep sense of imposter syndrome and like you're a fraud. And how will I continue to keep up this act? But as you shift to a more internal lens, a more aligned and authentic lens, you build your confidence, and you start to have your own back instead of beating yourself up, you support yourself, and you develop a stronger relationship with yourself. 

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So how do you do it? Well, I'm going to give you a couple of exercises to work on this. If this is an area that you feel like, Yes, I definitely want to spend some time on this, I'll give you a couple things to try out. 

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So the first is to ask yourselves a few questions, and I'm going to suggest that you journal on this. So actually write them down if you're driving or walking right now. Just come back to this later. So the first question is, how do I measure my success in an interaction? And just get aware of it. It is not meant for you to try and judge yourself. You know, if you realize that you are measuring your interactions in a way that you want to do differently, that's great. Then you get to build some awareness about that doesn't mean you're gonna suddenly change it, but what is not gonna help is if you sit there and get mad at yourself about it, or judge yourself about it, because we are all conditioned to look externally for our success. Number two is, who measures my success in an interaction? Is it me or the other person? And I think that this line of questioning and journaling can be done on a macro level. So you can just do it in general and feel free to do it before or after various interactions throughout your day as well. Or you can even look at it on, you know, a person by person or a group by group basis. 

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And then the second exercise is more of a daily practice. So one of the things I highly recommend -- it's a practice that I do myself, is that every morning, when you wake up before you pick up your phone and see what's happening outside of you out in the world before you start in, taking other people's thoughts and ideas and opinions and fears and concerns, grab your own journal and a pen or pencil and check in with yourself. This is a five to 10 minute exercise, and if you're like most of my clients, you're gonna say, I don't have time for this. I need to get right into my to do list. I need to be productive. But I'm gonna suggest that this is an extremely productive use of your time, because imagine if taking this little bit of time of intentional, proactive reflection saves you from lying in bed awake for two hours tonight thinking about how you wish you'd done it differently, and over analyzing and thinking about what you had done, being proactive takes a little bit more time up front, and it feels harder to do because we're choosing to take that time while being reactive takes way more time, but it feels like it's not an option, like it's happening to us. But not only does it waste all of that time, it also drains us and takes away more of our time. So taking five or 10 minutes in the morning is going to save you so much time and promise. So here's what you're going to do, set a timer if it'll make you feel better for five minutes or 10 minutes, or however long you're giving yourself, and then ask yourself two questions. The first question is, how am I today? Write down how you're feeling, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Don't try to change it or fix it. Just check in, be present with what's there. I would suggest stepping more into an observer or a narrator role, so maybe saying or noticing I'm feeling anxious right now. I'm feeling excited right now. And here's what I notice. I noticed that this part of my body feels tense and whatever other physical sensations you might feel. So that's question one, just to check in. And then Question two is asking yourself, How will I show up today? What do I want to embody today? Who do I want to be today? This could be a word or it could be a phrase. You could write out a description. You could be super specific or vague. It's up to you. There's no right or wrong way to do this. But the point is, is that each day you are going to decide how you're going to show up to that day. And again, you can do this in the morning for the day. You can also do this right before you go into a meeting or have an interaction. You can either look back at how you decided to show up for the day and remind yourself and embody that, or you can decide how you want to be in that meeting. Maybe it's different. So check in with yourself and decide how you want to show up, and then show up that way. 

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And one thing I want to say is that if you don't show up that way, because you're a human who is not perfect. And there are plenty of days where I decide I'm gonna show up with calmness and equanimity, and I am gonna be the the calm to the storm when my daughter's having a meltdown, or when my client is having a really tough time or or whatever, right? There are plenty of times where that doesn't go perfectly. I don't do that as perfectly as I imagine it when I am sitting in my chair beside my bed imagining my day. And I think what's really important here is that we get curious about what's going on there. Because if we sit there and judge ourselves and say, oh man, I did this exercise, and then I did it wrong, and there's something wrong with me, we're not going to learn anything. We are just being judgey. We're just hurting ourselves. And so the way that we turn that into something positive and productive and useful is to get curious about why in a kind of evaluative way, instead of a judgy way, and ask ourselves three questions: 1. What went well? 2. What didn't go well? 3. And what will I do differently next time? And that's it. So in this time where my daughter was having a meltdown and I wanted to be calm, and it wasn't as calm as I wanted to be, what was going on, what didn't go as well as I wanted it to and what do I want to do differently next time? What were the factors that were happening, you know? And checking in with myself. Maybe I hadn't eaten enough, and so I was hangry whenever I was trying to be calm, and that is never a recipe for success. So it's a reminder to myself that what I'm going to do differently is make sure that before I pick her up from school, that I get myself a snack, right? Whatever it is, whenever we check in with ourselves in a curious and evaluative way, instead of a judgy way, then we have the opportunity to do it differently next time. We can do it better next time. 

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And I guarantee you, if you start to shift your energy and focus into a more proactive and empowered orientation, you're going to start feeling more empowered and more confident, and you're going to feel less of that anxiety that kind of exists like right below the surface, where you're constantly questioning yourself and your performance and wondering if you did it right, and telling yourself that you probably messed it up. So this kind of practice, these kind of practices that I've shared with you, and these exercises are so, so important to helping you to start to feel more confident in how you show up in your interactions. 

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Okay, so I hope this is helpful. I know I covered a lot here in this short amount of time, so feel free to re listen to this episode to kind of help it all sink in. This is the final installment of this mini confidence series. So I hope you're feeling a little bit more confident after listening and implementing some of these powerful tools that I've shared. So go out there and be you, because you are amazing, and you have so much to offer this world exactly as you are. Thanks everyone for tuning in. I'll see you next week. Bye, bye. 

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If you're loving what you're learning on this podcast, I'd love to invite you to check out the executive mom reset. It's my six month coaching program for ambitious success driven, career focused women who are ready to stop surviving and start thriving together. We'll tackle the stress, guilt and overwhelm that come with being a high achieving executive mom. You'll learn how to set boundaries, prioritize what truly matters, and build the confidence to show up powerfully at work, at home and for yourself, head on over to coach leanna.com right now to schedule a free discovery call. We'll spend an hour talking about where you are now, what you want to create, and how I can help you get there, because every woman deserves to live the life of her dreams. Let's create yours together.