Meet Your Host! Leanna's Story - Part 2

Leanna McGrath  0:08  
Welcome to the executive coach for moms podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy, while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host Leanna Lasky McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic, and certified executive coach. 

Leanna McGrath  0:29  
Hi, everyone. Thanks so much for joining me today. And welcome to Episode Five. If you tuned in last week, I was talking with my friend Andreea Palmer, who was interviewing me to share my story I shared about my pre baby life and career, my pregnancy and my maternity leave. And we left off when I was getting ready to return to work. So today, in part two of this three part series, I'm going to talk about my return to work after maternity leave my experience as an executive mom, and my decision to step out of the corporate world to focus full time on my daughter. Hope you enjoy. Here we go. 

Leanna McGrath  1:10  
So when I went back, it was tough because I went back at three months. And at four months in a baby's life, there is often what's called the foremost sleep regression, which is actually a progression. Basically they they stopped connecting their sleep cycles. So some babies that doesn't affect at all. I hope that's your baby. But for mine, it meant she was awake every 45 minutes. Oh, boy. Yeah. And I remember actually, we were in DC at a board meeting on her four month birthday. And it was that night that just flipped a switch. I mean, it was just like, she had been sleeping like seven to 11 hour stretches, and then suddenly, on her 14th birthday, just switch. So yeah, it was tough. So we had to make changes. And you know, you have to make adjustments on the fly. And yeah, so it was yeah, it was challenging because I think the lack of sleep, I had hoped it was done. But it wasn't. It wasn't for a few more years. And I we hired a nanny. So I was fortunate to be able to have a nanny come into the house. So that I could breastfeeding was something that was really important to me. So I was able to take breaks and do that worse, a lot of times, I would just nurse her while I was on calls and things like that are working. So I feel fortunate about that. Because I I remember thinking at the time, like I was sad about it, I was excited and sad about it. And I thought oh my god, if I had to like take her to daycare, drop her off. At three months old, I just feel for all of the parents who who live that at three months or even younger, and in many cases, but yeah, it was it was an okay, transition, I think because of the situation. And again, because I was working kind of on my terms. And I had set those boundaries very clearly. And so when the nanny couldn't get her down for a nap, you know, if I wasn't on a meeting I would help out to. So I was I was glad to be able to do that kind of stuff. But it was definitely hard to like hear her crying whenever it was eating that I couldn't step away from, you know, that I that I chose to stay in, and that kind of thing. 

Leanna McGrath  3:12  
So and then we also I traveled at least once a month. And so she had her passport for my nice little baby passport. And she traveled with me to Montreal often and DC and wherever our conferences where she was. She was at our booth with me, you know. And so whenever I was at conferences, veggie cars and things and so it was fun, honestly, I mean, I would take either my husband would come along, or our nanny would come along. And so, you know, I think we made it work for that first year where I was part time, but it was hard as well. There were definitely days where I was like, Man, I don't know how I'm gonna go back full time. The way that the way they set it up is that I did, I had Monday mornings off and Fridays off. So I would work like Monday afternoon, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And it wasn't that my workload was decreased it was that I had to do it in a much shorter amount of time. 

Leanna McGrath  4:09  
But one of the things that I found and also when I'm talking to a lot of other women who have made the transition to motherhood is that you just get like way more efficient somehow. It's like, I only have this little amount of time. And so I have to use it. Like I don't have other time, right. And so, yeah, you just kind of find ways to cut out things that don't need to be done to deprioritize things. And that's really the only way to do it is to cut things rather than like trying different systems and things like that is you know, cut it and also just like focus, hyper focus and like get it done. And yeah, so I don't think I ever spent time like scrolling social media or doing a lot of like BS-ing with colleagues and stuff like I may have done a little bit more in the past because there just wasn't time for that. So yeah, I definitely got a lot more efficient. But as that one year mark came up where I was going back full time, I was getting a little bit nervous for sure. And kind of like, okay, is this? Do I want to stay? Do I want to? You know, like, I was definitely starting to kind of question, what did I want to do? I think at that time, though, I liked having a nanny, come in, I liked the way it was set up, you know, like, I wished that I wasn't working quite as much. But I also, I don't know, I kind of enjoyed it at that time. I also I'm not like a huge baby person. So I like felt like it was when I was part time. And like just working those hours, I felt like it was a pretty well balanced, although, you know, unless I felt like my work was starting to encroach on the times that I wasn't supposed to be working.

Andrea Palmer  5:51  
It's great that you had the support systems that you did to with your husband, and with an employer that sounds flexible enough, I feel like we don't see enough of that. And the more we see it, the more acceptable it becomes, you know, non birthing parents taking their fair share of family leave and supporting the family as a whole and more employers who are understanding and see the value of mothers in the workforce, to not feel, you know, retaliated against or like there's not space for bowl. So it's awesome that you had that level of support all around.

Leanna McGrath  6:25  
Yeah, I agree. And we also in terms of, you know, partner taking time off, my husband had been working at the same university for several years. And so he had a two week maternity leave, but he had also accumulated like, eight weeks of vacation, and I think, like 16 weeks of sick time or something. And so we actually had an opportunity to move back to Pennsylvania, he had a job offer here, where we are now and where our families are. And we decided not to take it because it was kind of like, here, it would have been really nice, because we would have family around in a, you know, that support system. But I felt like, you know, with him starting a new job, and they didn't have the same kind of they didn't even have a maternity leave. And they didn't have you know, he didn't have all that vacation time accrued, obviously. So, you know, I felt like he wasn't going to be a part of it. It was like we were it was almost we were trading family for him. And so we chose to stay in Texas, because, you know, so we could do it together. And it wasn't like, on me and our families. So. So I was glad that we made that decision. 

Leanna McGrath  7:30  
He took three weeks off at the beginning. And then he took he would take like a few days here and there or a week here and there. So it worked out really well. And then like, you know, my mom will come down or his parents will come down. So I felt like I had a lot of support, especially at the beginning. Then at the year mark, a lot changed. So she turned one in February of 2020. And in January of 2020 are at work, our board replaced our CEO with the new CEO, who was very different. He was US based Harvard background, military background, and just kind of a bit more, I would say old school in terms of thinking about time off and leave and things like that. So just kind of a night and day difference there. So the leadership changed. And then so then I was coming back full time in February. And I think it would have probably been like a much easier transition back. When I say easier. I mean, like a more gradual transition back maybe. But whenever we had the leadership change, it was a new expectation of time investment on top of just one and a half more days a week. It wasn't just like I was going to 40 hours a week, it was like I was going to way more than that. And then in March 2020, as we all rememeber...

Leanna McGrath  8:50  
Yep, I know what's coming!

Leanna McGrath  8:52  
The world shut down. So we lost our nanny, and we couldn't travel, my family couldn't travel to see us to watch the babies and my husband started working from home. So it was just me and him and the baby trying to like manage, right. So it was really, really tough trying to do that. And so new expectations from a new boss, you know, no more childcare? No, like none. And, you know, just trying to juggle all of it between the two of us it felt really impossible was probably the best way I would describe it. So I think those kind of factors led to eventually the decision to step away. I'm not sure if it would have played out differently or not, because I was kind of already thinking, you know, wondering if it what I wanted to do and if I wanted to stay or not. But those factors, I think kind of accelerated that decision for sure.

Andrea Palmer  9:49  
Yeah. And I think there was probably a lot of mothers in the same position, right, who almost didn't have a choice of whether or not to stay in the workplace.

Leanna McGrath  9:57  
Absolutely. I mean, we it was a luxury that I had any help, right like that my husband was home. And that I was home. Yeah, I don't know what I what we would have done if we weren't both able to be there. You know, if we had to go somewhere if we were essential workers and had to go somewhere, because we literally had no one to take care for our baby. So yeah, I think, you know, hundreds of 1000s of women, that was the great exodus or the great of resignation, the hundreds of 1000s of women left the workforce that year. And I totally understand why. Right? Like, I mean, how can you physically do it, it was, it was impossible. And it was it took a toll mentally and physically, we would wake up early in the morning so that we could work. And then in the eight hour workday to nine hour workday, we would split it. So we would like go through at the beginning of the week, all of our meetings and like see, when who had important meetings at what times, and then we would just like handoff, back and forth. And then in the evenings, we would spend a little bit of time together. And, you know, sometimes we would like it would be like one of us spending time and one of us working. And then she would go to bed. And we would work until like one or two in the morning to get the rest of our day in and then do it all over again. So it was exhausting. It was not sustainable. And that was obviously a tough time for the world in general. But I think especially for parents, and especially for parents of babies, right, like little tiny humans that can't function without right, like they're reliant for you. Yeah, so

Andrea Palmer  11:32  
Wow. So when did you decide to leave the workforce? Or when did you actually leave?

Leanna McGrath  11:36  
Yeah, so I'll kind of walk through that process a little bit so that everything shut down in March 2020, we lost our childcare. And then in April, we did layoffs, I had to lay people off virtually, which was awful. And I was thinking like, maybe I should just like raise my hand. You know, I was so I was kind of thinking that. But I also I think with the world being so the future being so uncertain and ever. I mean, you remember that time, like it was such a scary time I like no one knew, we thought we're gonna be a quarantine for two weeks, and then it just dragged on and like kept stretching on and on and on. And no one knew what was gonna happen. So I think at that time, we were like, Whoa, we don't want to like let go of any income at this moment, right? Because we don't know what's going to happen. And so I wasn't ready at that point. 

Leanna McGrath  12:31  
Then in May, we started to do some like financial planning, I hired a coach to start the process of just kind of examining like where I was at, I was just, it was just so hard. And I was just not enjoying any part of life as much as I wanted to be. And so that was May. And then like we kind of carried on through the summer. Also travel shutdown, that was something that I really enjoyed. And I thought was really fun game, especially to take my daughter along on. So it was kind of like all the fun stuff was stripped out. And we were working much leaner, because we had cut 25% of our workforce. So yeah, and then in August, I remember thinking, I had this recurring thought all the time of like, How does anyone do this, and I am failing at everything. I just felt like I was failing at everything. Like I couldn't, I wasn't I obviously as a type A perfectionist, a high achiever. I hold myself to really high standards, right. And so I just felt like I was being a shitty mom. And I was being a bad employee, like I just wasn't, I wasn't being successful, or like living up to my expectations of myself in any aspect. And then like, let alone like being healthy and taking care of myself and my relationships. And, you know, it was just like, I had these two huge things that took up so much of my time, my baby and my job. And I just felt like I don't know how to do this. I just I cannot do this. 

Leanna McGrath  14:05  
So I hired a therapist, and a new coach. And that kind of started that process in August. And somewhere along the way, like things opened up enough for us to be able to hire new nannies. But we had a lot of turnover, some COVID related some just trying to find the right fit. So I think we between whenever we I can't remember it was like June or July that it reopened. So from whenever we could hire somebody till October, we went through like four or five nannies and it was just so hard to like, do the onboarding, you know, like teach them how the house you know how everything goes and get them acclimated and get our daughter acclimated and then have an hour workout and how to do it all over again. It was just it was just exhausting. 

Leanna McGrath  14:50  
And so it was in October, the beginning of October, another nanny quit and I just said I'm done. I'm done. on, um, I've not want to do this anymore, I don't have to do it, I've been trying to make it work I am done. Also, I want to backup about that. Because the other thing, like in April whenever the layoffs happened, and I thought about leaving, and that was kind of you know, I was thinking about that I am very much a person who I don't believe that it makes sense to make a decision from a point of weakness or vulnerability. So like, if I am in the weeds, I don't think that's the place to make decisions from major decisions, right, you have to make decisions to get yourself out of it, of course, and that was when I hired people to help me. But I didn't want to make a major life decision from that place. So that was really why I hired a coach and a therapist just so that I could get to a headspace where I could make a decision that that I would feel good about, you know, when I, whenever she quit, like just, there was something in my body that just like a switch flipped, and I just, I just knew I was like, You know what, I'm not going to do this anymore. I had been talking about it with my therapist, and my coach and kind of, you know, weighing the options and figuring trying to figure out what I wanted to do. And it just, I don't know how to explain it's like the stars let you know, when you just know, something, apparently, I just knew, I just knew that I was going to leave. And so I just talked to my husband that night, and suddenly, you know, like, we've been having these conversations, we've been doing the financial planning, everything's set up, I'm going to leave. And so then I gave notice and left at the end of the year. So I stayed through December. But I remember whenever I was about to I was having a conversation with my boss, I was so nervous and had an emergency coaching session about it. Because I imagined this conversation in my head over and over and over again, like played it out. And yeah, I was just so nervous about what I was going to say to him how he was going to react. And I don't know why, but I was just

Andrea Palmer  16:53  
I was gonna ask why I mean, you're doing what's right for you, you've already made the decision, you know, it's not necessarily burning a bridge, but did you still feel some that your value was tied to the workplace, or that you just were didn't want to disappoint people? Like, did you ever get to the bottom of why you were so afraid to share that news?

Leanna McGrath  17:13  
There was a lot. I think, you know, as, as women, we are socialized to be to put other people first. So I definitely can relate to like people pleasing. And so I was like, I'm going to disappoint him, I'm gonna let him down. I think there was also a little bit of like, like, he let other executives go in layoffs, and kind of enrolled me to, uh, you know, I don't know, I just like, felt like I was a big part of it, which honestly, I mean, hindsight, like, everybody's replaceable, they hired someone else the company went on, it's fine. But there was a lot tied into the decision. So even though I made the decision in an instant, it was like, I did a lot of pre work to do that. So there was a lot of unraveling of why I was hesitant. I felt like am I being a bad feminist? You know, I mean, how can I call myself a feminist and walk away from a job and a role that so many women before me didn't have the opportunity to be in and then even more women thought for me to have that right to be in that role? So I felt this extreme kind of guilt and like talking about the identity thing, you know, it was just like, how am I even going to call myself a feminist if I just like, decide to step out of an executive role to be a full time mom. And then I think, you know, we talked about before about identity being tied up in it, it was definitely different than my first company. But by this point, I had fully stepped into the executive identity. I was no longer feeling like, who am I maybe I didn't earn this or whatever. Like I had been hired, I had been recruited hard. I had been, I had negotiated for what I wanted, right? Like, I felt like I had earned it at this point, and that I was a full on executive and so kind of like, who am I without that title? Who am I like, I'm, you know, what, when we introduce ourselves to people, and people ask about us, you know, I would say, like, I ran a team, or I'm vice president, or something along those lines, something with my career first. And so all of those things were tied into it. And so all the all of those things took a bit of unraveling to really kind of dig into before I was able to make that decision. 

Leanna McGrath  19:38  
And then when it came to telling him that it was just kind of the final step. And I think it just felt so big, like, I had to quit one company before to start my own business. Right. So I had already walked away from an executive role. So you would think it would have been easier but I think because it was like to do women things. I'm doing air quotes here. I felt I was proud. Really judging it in a way that I assumed he would judge it to. And that feminist thing. I think, like when I was thinking about all the women that came before me, I also was thinking about all the women that come after me, and what kind of precedent am I going to set for them? You know, am I just going to reinforce these beliefs that, like the old school thinking of like, oh, when a woman has a child, she's just gonna leave or, you know, kind of those thoughts were probably front of mind for me, too, whenever I was talking to him, so like, what is he going to think of me? And what's he going to think of the next woman who comes in here for an interview? You know? And is he gonna think less of her or kind of have that in the back of his mind of you know, maybe she's not all the way in? Because I thought Leanna was all the way in and it turns out, she wasn't.

Andrea Palmer  20:48  
Yeah, that's a good point.

Leanna McGrath  20:49  
So yeah, but I had the conversation, he was shocked. Everyone was shocked. He was interesting, because I explained the whole, like, I feel like I'm constantly failing. I just don't feel like I can be really good at anything when I'm trying to do both of these things. And he was like, flabbergasted, like, What are you talking about? I think you're an excellent employee. You know, like, it was interesting, because I think it was kind of the first realization that like, oh, maybe my view of this is not 100% accurate? Maybe, I mean, not saying that his was or that anyone else was, but like that, the way that I was thinking about it, maybe there was some room to challenge that a little bit.

Speaker 2  21:30  
Interesting. I mean, do you think if you would have seen it that way, before your decision, you would have stayed? 

Leanna McGrath  21:35  
I don't think so. Because I think that I though I left in some stressful circumstances, I didn't leave because of them. Like I didn't leave, I could have. And I did hire another nanny. And actually, she ended up being the best, like one of the best ones, to finish out my, the rest of the year there. So you know, I could have kept going, I could have continued to do that. It wasn't like, Oh, my God, these things are insurmountable. There was the other main factor, which I haven't even really talked about. But it was just that, like, I felt like I was missing out on spending time with my baby. At that point, she was a year and a half to two years. And so when her nanny would be like, Oh, we're going outside to play, I would be like, oh, man, like, I want to go outside and play with her. Right? Like, by the time it's dark, you know, my boss had kind of some expectations that we worked a lot. So it was like a 50-60 hour work week. And I just felt like she is sleeping. Like, a lot, right? Like, there's still sleep a lot of that time. So if I'm working 10 to 12 hours a day, and she sleeps 15 hours a day, like, it just the math didn't work out for me to feel like why did I have a baby, if I'm just gonna pay somebody to spend all their time with her and like, I'm gonna sear in these like, tiny little chunks of time, I just didn't feel like it was enough time to spend with her. I wanted to flip it, you know, because I honestly didn't want to stop working completely. And when I gave my notice, he was like, let's figure out a part time thing, or I was just, but I think if I had done that, in that environment, it would have been that I would have been working full time and getting paid for part time. Because that was just kind of, you know, kind of trying to like scale back my role. I just didn't see that as a possibility. And so no, I felt like I needed a clean break. So my plan was really to start my business shortly after I like, like, take some time and then do some little projects started my podcast soon after I left and just like still do projects and things like that. Your coaching business, you mean? Yes. Yeah, I didn't want to like launch it fully. But I felt like maybe if I like reengaged, a couple of clients and just kind of kept that part of my brain going, I thought that would be fun. But yeah, but it was basically just I felt like I wanted the inverse. I just didn't want to work 10 to 12 hours a day, and have the leftover time with her. I wanted it to be the opposite, right? Like maybe I would work a couple hours a day and but have the majority of time with her. And also she was getting a lot more fun. She was very, like she wasn't a baby anymore. She was like wanting to go and do things. And they're just so cute at that age. And you know, starting to kind of talk a little bit and be more interactive. And so that my decision was, I want to spend more time with her. I want to enjoy her one and only childhood. A thought that I had that I think was very helpful is that a job is always going to be available to me. I will always be able to find another job. And but she only has one and only she has this one and only childhood and I want to enjoy it with her. And so I think that a lot of times women get stuck in that decision of like, what if I can't cut back? What if jobs aren't available? And I know that that has been a reality in the past of you know questioning like and still is in any places questioning a gap in, you know, career gap. But that wasn't something I ever worried about. Because I just thought like, it was so easy for me to get this job. I'll get another one. 

Andrea Palmer  25:13  
I mean I think it comes back to confidence, too, you know, that you built over time to feel, then that position I remember, when you made the decision, you changed your LinkedIn title to something super cute. What was it?

Leanna McGrath  25:26  
Yes, Chief Learning and Development Officer to a future CEO. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that that mindset to when I transitioned out was really important. Because I had this mindset that like I was now doing the nannies job, my job was my daughter from call it nine to five, whatever those real real hours, you know, seven to six, or whatever, but my job was during the day with her. And then kind of before and after that was like, share time with my partner, right? Like, we shared the load equally, because he did his job. And I did my job. I think I'm happy that I made that transition, I made it you know, I left right before she turned to because I know, you know, I think a lot of women, there's like an expectation that they just like own everything in the house and kids if their partner is working if they're not. That is not the dynamic that we had, because I was thinking that like, this is I am the Chief Learning and Development Officer, this is an important job that I am doing. And so I need to be my best self, I need to be well rested. I cannot be the only one waking up at night because I need to be rested for my job, just like my husband needs to be rested for his job. And I think that that's not always the reality for women who are the sole caretaker or primary caretaker where while their partners work, unfortunately.

Andrea Palmer  26:51  
Right. And I mean, obviously that means selecting a partner, right? That's going to be supportive and kind of equally contributing in any area of life, even outside of a child. But does that just involve you to kind of having conversations? I mean, was it a negotiation at all? Or was it just this is what's going to work. And this is what I need. And this is how we both need to work together to support the family. What was that, like?

Leanna McGrath  27:13  
It was just kind of like the inertia, like it was just how it was before, only I was doing a different job. So like, we already had those dynamics in place where he does a lot more of the cleaning than I do. And I do a lot more of the spending time with our daughter than he does, right like so we just balance it. And on days where like, he spends more time with her than I do different houseproud. And you know, my two different tricks or things like that. So, yeah, it was kind of like we already had it in place. And so it just continued that way. But when I first left, it was very much like we would get up and he would take her in the morning so that I could do my meditations and yoga and kind of like, be in a good headspace for her. Because dealing with kind of the big emotions of a two year old, you really have to have the kind of mental fortitude and like, be good yourself before you can really feel like okay, I'm being helpful here. Rather than like, you know, losing my mind. So, yeah. And then in the evenings, we would we would do different trade offs. And you know, I might do bedtime, and he would clean up the kitchen from dinner. And you know, one of us, we would take turns cooking and that kind of thing. So, so yeah, it was I mean, of course conversations, but also I think the fact that it was already in place was helpful.

Andrea Palmer  28:35  
And I think that's so important. And, you know, obviously, you'll talk and we think a lot about of us as women and us as self proclaimed feminists and how what we do impacts that. But I really think there's something to be said for the male feminists and the male contributors to the conversation too, because it really does take that balance or, I mean, maybe it's not always males, right, but the other partner to jump in to help to have at the equal and to lessen the mental load that I think really oftentimes does fall on the woman or the mom at home. And in the workplace, you know, that I've seen there's a lot of kind of shadow work that we pick up even in the workplace just because of those societal kind of gender norms that we inherit.

Leanna McGrath  29:17  
Yeah. No, I 100% agree. I think that was something else. Sheryl Sandberg talked about in her book and lean in and about equal partnership and dividing the duties. We you know, things like that. And, I mean, I remember when we came home from the hospital, basically, it was like my job to take care of the baby and his to but like, you know, I was I was breastfeeding. She from day one only ever wanted me that was like my focus. And then he took care of everything else. And so it was like he was saying hear me he was taking care of the house. He did all the diaper changes because I hate diaper changes. And like made sure I was good. He was obviously also like really involved with her but it was like That was mainly how we kind of chose to, to break it up, right. And so I think it's a really important for some ground rules or boundaries or you know, things to figure out. And honestly, I don't think there's much you can do to figure it out beforehand until you get into it. And you're like, Oh, what do we have to do here? So I think from the beginning, it was very much like, there's a lot of work to do here. Like we are both responsible for getting it all done. And when I say work, I mean like home stuff, right, like cleaning and paying. Yeah, and taking the trash out and taking care of baby everything. 

Leanna McGrath  30:38  
Just like the career pause I'm about to talk about. I'm going to go ahead and take an episode. Pause right there. Thank you so much for listening to part two. Join us next week for the final installment of this series where I'll talk about my transition into full time mom life and what I've learned after much reflection on this experience. Thanks again and see you next week.

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