Meet Your Host! Leanna's Story - Part 1

Leanna McGrath  0:08  
Welcome to the executive coach for moms podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy, while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host Leanna Lasky McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic, and certified executive coach. 

Leanna McGrath  0:29  
Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for joining me for episode four. Today, I'm going to try something a little bit different. So so far, I've been doing solo episodes where you're just hearing from me, and in a few weeks, I'll be doing some interviews. But for today, I've invited someone to actually interview me to share my story. And when we recorded the interview ended up being two hours. So I've decided to break it up into three parts. So today's going to be part one, and I'll be sharing about my pre baby life and career as well as my pregnancy and maternity leave. I'm sure that you'll relate to various parts of my story, I kind of wanted to just share a little bit more about my own story and how it was for me as a working mom, and why I made that transition and how it's been, since I've made the transition. So enjoy!

Leanna McGrath  1:33  
Hi, everyone, and welcome to the executive coach for moms podcast. I'm your host Leanna Lasky McGrath. And I am really excited about this episode because I am joined by one of my dear friends, Andrea Palmer. And today she is going to be interviewing me. And I was trying to think about how I would share my story from going from a full time executive to full time working mom executive to a full time mom. And now most time mom part time coach. And so we're gonna kind of go through that journey together a little bit today. And I'm so excited to have Andrea here because we always have really great conversations. And I'm excited to see what questions she has, and also what kind of conversation so we might dive into some rabbit holes we'll see. And we'll just kind of see how it goes. So I would love to introduce Andrea. Andrea, can you tell everybody a little bit about you? 

Andrea Palmer  2:32  
Sure. Yeah. Hi, everybody. My name is Andrea Palmer. I'm located in Buffalo, New York, met Leanna and worked essentially my entire career in the EdTech industry. I guess I've considered myself a recovering executive at this point. I've gone through a recent acquisition and so playing a different role in the corporate world. But I am expecting my first child this summer. So excited to explore and experience the journey of motherhood and all that that means that the supportive people around me.

Leanna McGrath  3:04  
Awesome. Thanks, Andrea. So we'll go ahead and jump in and get started alternative. Barbara Walters?

Andrea Palmer  3:14  
Well, as I was thinking about this, I realized, you know, there's a lot of things that I know about you, but even some that I don't. So even kind of taking it, you know, back before this corporate identity that we've all kind of developed over time. You were originally started your career on campus, right?

Leanna McGrath  3:31  
I did. Yeah. So I, when I went to undergrad, I wanted to be a math teacher. So I was a math major, actually in psychology minor, because I was really interested in just like how people think and how the brain works. And then I got super involved in all the things on campus, all the leadership activities and student organizations. And so I decided to go and pursue my master's degree in higher education administration, and worked on a few campuses before I jumped ship to join the tech startup world. Awesome.

Andrea Palmer  4:04  
And when you did that, I know it was very bootstrapped, like you said, startup kind of very early on in the process. And you you kind of built from the ground up and worked your way up. Did you come into that organization with this kind of executive mentality? Or do you think that was created over those formative years of that first company?

Leanna McGrath  4:22  
Yeah, definitely not. When I started out, I was a coordinator on campus. So I was not in, you know, like a super high level role by any means. And I was supervising people. So I had that experience. But yeah, when I joined the company, it was a house in Austin, Texas, and then we got a second house so that I wouldn't have to live with a bunch of guys. And there are a couple other women that we lived in that house and so yeah, we built it from the ground up. And so I kind of I built my whole team, the customer success team I started out in sales, and then I built my whole once I sold myself into a job. And then I kind of develop that over time for sure. That kind of executive identity. I actually, because I was so young at the time, I joined the company when I was I think 25 and stepped into a vice president role when I was, you know, maybe a year or two later. And so I had all kinds of all kinds of imposter syndrome and just kind of feeling like, you know, I was, I had so much to prove as a vice president in my mid 20s, that maybe I hadn't earned it, and I just kind of, you know, accidentally accidentally landed there. And so it took a lot of time for me to kind of own that role that that identity as an executive, for sure that that happened over a lot of time. And actually, I think it probably wasn't until we did an acquisition before you and I work together, and then another merger, it probably wasn't until that whole thing where I feel like I was like, Oh, I'm actually an executive, like, I'm actually running a company here. You know, I think I just thought I was just working really hard and working a lot. And then, yeah, so it took definitely several years before, I really kind of own that. 

Leanna McGrath  6:17  
And also, I think one of the things whenever I was I was the only woman on the leadership team, which I know is the case for many women and minorities. And so I was, I think, when I started out, I kind of looked at the guys like the men around me and kind of took on what they were doing interesting as their kind of, you know, as my own leadership style, and realized, I think just because I didn't have the confidence to trust myself and trust my own instincts. So it wasn't until I realized, and then I was like, I'm just gonna do it my way. And it wasn't until then that I felt like I could really step into my own and kind of be the authentic leader. Yeah, and I was much more effective that way. So that's something actually in my first the first time I did my coaching role, that was something that was very present. And I worked with women to help them kind of really identify and get in touch with their own authentic leadership style. Because I think that's really important, because, you know, we just kind of, were the minority, right? Like, we're the only one a lot of times or one of two. And it's just like, oh, we must be doing something wrong, because I'm thinking about this totally differently than all of my colleagues. That was a long way around to answer that.

Andrea Palmer  7:33  
We'll have a lot of that, I'm sure. I think that being one of the only females at the table is what kind of creates that impostor syndrome. Because when you come in to a table unsure, I could see impostor syndrome, but you were building from the ground up, you were one of the first people at the table.

Leanna McGrath  7:51  
I think it's a combination. Honestly, I think it was also the fact that I was so young, I was coming from not the business world, I was coming from the education role. So I think I kind of had that story in my head that maybe I didn't know this world as well as they did, you know. So yeah, I think it was a lot to do with age a lot to do with my background. Most of the people that I worked with the guys that I worked with had business degrees, and I didn't. And you know, I had an education degree and a math degree. So, so yeah, I think those were all factors. And I was building from the ground up with a bunch of guys. So when I started hiring, and building my team, I think it was I was just like, oh, I want to do this. But like, no one else is doing that in rather than maybe voicing it or you know, bracing it Oh, that would be a good idea. I feel like maybe the feedback would have been like, Oh, that's interesting. Leanna. Like, I never would have thought of that. I just kind of was like, Oh, I just like assumed my way out of it. Right. I assumed it probably wasn't a good idea if nobody else had thought of it yet.

Andrea Palmer  8:56  
Yeah. And it sounds like it, at the end of the day kind of comes down to confidence. And yes, that takes time to build. And it comes from within, right, it has to be organic. But at the end of the day, confidence, confidence sounds like it makes all the difference of owning it and truly being your authentic self and kind of being willing to go at that. Too bad and trust yourself, and to really, truly be the leader that you are meant to be.

Leanna McGrath  9:17  
Yeah, I think it's confidence. And I also think it's self awareness of the stories that you tell yourself, you know, I don't think that I really understood what a huge factor that was, or that is in our lives. Because if we think about like, anytime we don't do something that we want to do, there's some story related, right, that we're that we've created in our heads that may or may not be true, like, Oh, they're gonna think this is a stupid idea. Or, Oh, this isn't how it's done in business or whatever story you know, or like, I don't know how it's done in business, those different stories, so yeah, I think it's confidence and then just kind of the self awareness to uncover those Stories and challenge them. Interesting.

Andrea Palmer  10:02  
Cool. That's kind of when we met when you were at that point in your journey of kind of owning that executive position, and then almost going into a new chapter of it, right? Which those chapters never end acquisitions, mergers, things like that. So how would you describe yourself in that leadership role, kind of in the early days before kids were a part of the picture,

Leanna McGrath  10:22  
thinking about kind of who I was, at that point, I was always like, a very hard worker, kind of my identity was like, I will do whatever it takes to get the job done. You know, I mean, we literally had like, the support phone was 24/7. And it would ring, it would ring to like the phone next to my bed, in the middle of saying, yeah, it would go first to my CEO, and then bounce over to me. So I'd be like cursing him out if it rang.

Andrea Palmer  10:50  
That's why it was so hard to sell against you!

Leanna McGrath  10:53  
Right, exactly. So yeah, I always would do whatever it took, I would have described myself as, like, I believed I was a strong leader. And I really loved building a team, like I loved identifying who could be successful in that role, because I hired from higher education into business. So I was looking for people who could make that transition. And so I just loved that I loved kind of figuring out all the moving parts of like how to build a team and round out a team with strength. Yeah, I loved all that kind of stuff I love to helping people to grow and learn. And as we grew the company, of course, we had the opportunity to promote, you know, do a lot of internal promotions. And I did a lot of organizing, changing around the organization structure within my team, and promoting people and like helping them develop into those roles. And that was really fun for me. And I loved all of that. So those were kind of my favorite things. And the strategy. I love the strategy, the strategy of like, how are we going to keep more clients? How are we going to expand their, their contracts, how are employees, retention strategy, all the strategy stuff, I loved all that. And in terms of where it was at in terms of headspace, we had been working toward this. And actually, I had always, when I joined the company, I had three other offers in higher education, which was at the time, I would have considered my dream job. So and I took a chance on this like startup in a house with the mature guys that I didn't know, I was living in Miami at the time, and they were in Austin. And so it was a really big leap of faith. And what I kind of planned on it was it was kind of part of my plan of when I have kids, I always had planned on having kids that this could potentially help to fund that to maybe give me the opportunity to not have to work for a while. And so I remember when I met my now husband, we had this like very serious, we like took a walk and have this very serious conversation. And I explained to him this plan, like I've joined a startup...

Andrea Palmer  12:55  
What date was this? Like your third date?

Leanna McGrath  12:59  
it was actually pretty early on. We didn't meet till I was like 26. And he was 28. And so we were like, you know, and he was living in Syracuse, and I was living in Austin. So we had a nice long chat about what we wanted out of life. And I said, I joined this tech startup. And my plan is that I will sell it and make some money and then have kids and then I'll have I'll be able to make a choice because I think you know, my my mom who was a social worker, and she kind of went on her maternity leave when she had me and then decided never to go back and she's still hasn't gone back three kids later and so I kind of just always assumed that that was what I would do that I would have kids and be a full time mom. But then I like loved my work so much. I didn't factor that in I mean and I didn't realize that you know as a kid as I was like thinking about this life plan. But I really love my work. I really loved what I was doing. And yeah, I just I love to work. So I kind of said well, I just want to have the option, right like I just want to have some some extra funds so that I have that option. So that was kind of my plan all along was just to give myself that option. So when we met we had sold the company was whenever we started trying for for a baby. It wasn't till four and a half years later that she was here but that was kind of my mindset at that time was like sold the company now it's time for baby and we'll see what happens and what I want to do about that. You know, whenever they arrived. 

Andrea Palmer  14:34  
You had it all planned out. I didn't know it was so intentional.

Leanna McGrath  14:37  
Yes. 

Andrea Palmer  14:40  
Are you Type A? 

Leanna McGrath  14:41  
Many things in my life are very intentional. Type A would be a way to describe me. Yes.

Andrea Palmer  14:48  
Hearing your story and kind of echo you know over time. Obviously you love what you do and the impact you make and the people you work with but your career kind of becomes your identity and I wonder if that was the case for your mom. Um, as well, or previous generations if they were just doing work or if they really identified with that, and associated their personal value to the work they were doing and the contributions they were making in the workplace, or if that's, you know, a little bit more of a new phenomenon.

Leanna McGrath  15:13  
I think a trend, obviously, women are in on average having babies later. And so it just gives us more time to establish ourselves in our careers. And so I think that leads to some interesting phenomena, which are that we have that identity of, you know, and we're usually in leadership roles, or often in leadership roles by the time that we have a baby. So in the past, you probably wouldn't have seen, well, you wouldn't have seen a woman executive. And then you wouldn't have seen a woman executive with a small child or baby, right? Because it wouldn't have been until she wouldn't have reached that role until much later in her career. And likely after having children. 

Andrea Palmer  15:56  
Do you think you could have become an executive with a child? Or do you think it had to happen in that order?

Leanna McGrath  16:01  
I don't know if I could have, I don't think I would have joined a tech startup. If I'd had a child when I was 20. Right. Like at that point? Because I mean, think of startup life. I mean, we were living together, pulling all nighters, you know, I mean, working hard playing hard, I traveled constantly, I was constantly visiting our clients. And so I don't think that that would have been conducive with a baby or a young child. 

Andrea Palmer  16:28  
Well, work had to be your priority at that time.

Leanna McGrath  16:31  
Yeah, well, I think one of the things that is interesting if we think about, like socialization for women, and common traits that we see in women is that we tend to think of things in like all or nothing black and white kind of thinking, right. And I think that that's a result of the pressure that's kind of put on us to be perfect. So it's like a mix of perfectionism with this kind of all or nothing, thinking. And so it's like, if I'm working, if I'm in a job, then I am all in that job. And it was actually, whenever we did sell the company, and went through that whole transition, it was really hard for me, because I had poured so much of myself into it wasn't just the like, I put my time into it. But it was such a huge part of me that as the company was evolving, and kind of dissolving as well, right into this new company. It was like it was taking, like pulling apart of me with it. It was really, really hard. It was a really hard transition. I got shingles when I was in my is, you know, stress induced? Like, it was very tough. So yeah, I mean, I think, because we are, it's like we are all in and we put our whole selves in to what we're doing. And so that might be our career, you know, if we have children earlier, that might be our children whenever we're younger, but whatever it is, it's like that is it gets all of us. 

Andrea Palmer  17:56  
Yeah, that makes sense. And it's hard to transition, right? When you have to let go of that thing that you poured so much of yourself into. Yeah. And then did you immediately shift that focus? Or, I mean, was there anything else kind of residual within that corporate experience before you started to move on to what was next in your life? 

Leanna McGrath  18:13  
Well, so after we had sold the company and gone through that merger with my first startup, I stayed on to kind of help with the integration for a year and a half was kind of what I had agreed to. And so during that time, I thought about what I want to do next. And so at that it was during that time that I did my coach, training and certification and kind of got myself set up to launch my first coaching business. But yeah, it was definitely a process. And it was a hard process. And I've since come to coaching and therapy and wish that I had been doing that at the time, because I think I just needed to be processing it a bit more, especially as like I was the loan executive still on board. So I was like the person that everybody was kind of looking to so I just more so my role is like I have to take care of everybody else. And just make sure that they're okay, much more than thinking about like, what was going on for me and what challenges I was having. So it was like, I didn't really process that at the time. So then as things came up, where it was like maybe my role was being changed or my title was being changed. I think those things just would hit me really hard because I hadn't really taken the time to think about it intentionally right and kind of think about what do I want here and in what's happening and kind of get a grip on it. I was just kind of making sure everybody else was okay for so. But yeah, during that time, I kind of got myself set up to make a transition out because I knew it wasn't something that I was going to stay on forever.

Andrea Palmer  19:44  
I remember when I was going through the same experience of when my company was acquired and I was chatting with you about it because I know you'd gone through it and not a ton of people in my life have had that same experience and it was emotional. You know, I feel like sometimes it'll work is women. We feel like we need to take the emotion out of the workplace. And I knew it was coming, right, I knew it would happen. I've seen it happen before. And I felt like I had mentally prepared myself for that needing to be ready for that experience. But still, when it was time to change the title and change the responsibilities and let go of those things that you had built it, it hit me in a way that I didn't, I thought I'd prepared for, but really, I still had to process and actually go through those emotional experiences to kind of come out on the other side. 

Leanna McGrath  20:25  
Yeah. Well, I think the reality is that no matter how much we prepare for anything, we can't anticipate all the things and we can't know what it's gonna feel like at that time, right? Like, we can prepare for losing a parent, for example, but like until we go through, like, we're still gonna feel it right as we go through it. So yeah, I was definitely much more blue, green, or colors more green. I was much more naive about it, right? Going into it. I remember whenever they called my CEO and CFO over, like to a meeting and they were like, well, we're getting let go. And I was like, No way. That's not going to happen. And I? And of course they did, because that's what happens in mergers and acquisitions. But I was just so unprepared for it. So yeah, it was a huge emotional roller coaster, for sure.

Andrea Palmer  21:13  
Is there anything else that you want to share about that portion of your life, pre children, you know, kind of being an executive in that space?

Leanna McGrath  21:19  
So after I left that company, I launched the first iteration of my coaching business. And then I got pregnant. And so it was really interesting, because we had been struggling with infertility issues. And like unexplained there was, you know, we had all the tests and everyone, they a doctor said, like, everything's seemingly fine.

Andrea Palmer  21:42  
Can I ask, how old were you at that time?

Leanna McGrath  21:45  
I was 34, when I left. But I think we started a couple years prior to them. So I was 31, or 32, when we started. So it wasn't until I kind of left the stress of all of that behind. And I feel like kind of shaken it all off. It was probably about nine months later, that I that I became pregnant. And honestly, I think it was like my body just couldn't handle something else. Because it was under so much stress with the fat, right? And so it took a lot of kind of, like, undoing of all that stress before. Yeah, before my body was like, ready. And then we conceive naturally, like it was totally shocking, because we had tried all these different things. And then we kind of said, like, oh, let's take a break from it all. And just like relax of it. And then. And then it happens that we were like, obviously really blessed and grateful for that. But yeah, I think a big factor was stepping away, honestly, and stepping away from all that stress. 

Leanna McGrath  22:49  
And then when I was five months pregnant, I actually one of my clients, one of my executive coaching clients recruited me to go to another tech startup. And so I joined that company at five months pregnant. And it was an interesting, they asked me a few times, and I said no, and my husband was like, you know, why don't you just check it out? And see, like, you always like to see what opera different opportunities there are so and I said, Yeah, you know, I'll go, the company was in Montreal. And so they brought me up there to do some consulting work with them. And I was offered a job and it and they were just so generous with the time off. And it was a very, I would guess I would say progressive compared to the US company. In terms of, you know, they offered me three months of paid maternity leave, and then I would be part time for the first year. And so I just really appreciated the fact that they were thinking about that, you know, because that was what I cared about the most I didn't I mean, other things were important. Of course, I didn't, I wasn't going to be underpaid. And I wasn't going to you know, I was I needed vacation and things like that. But that was what was most important to me was that I would be able to kind of enjoy the experience of having a baby and everything like that, and that I would be in a supportive environment. And so I decided to go back and yeah, so I started that job at five months pregnant. And I was the first executive hire posed to series A and post merger, they had just gone through a merger, they had just gotten their series a funding. And so it was like this major transition in the company and I joined the company. 

Leanna McGrath  24:27  
And I would say it was, for me, a very different experience in terms of my entanglement with the company compared to my entanglement with my first company, right? Because it was, I hadn't built this company from the ground up. I hadn't lived and breathed that and I hadn't worked around the clock and pulled all the all nighters and everything like that, right? Like I hadn't put my sweat and tears into it. So it was just kind of like it was a job, and I was happy to have it and I ended joined it. And it was just a different agreement coming into it right. And whenever I joined the CEO, I was very, very clear, my child is going to be my first priority. And so I'm going to need to take breaks to breastfeed, you know, I'm going to need to bring her with me on every business trip. And I think I kind of like went into it with that mindset and kind of laid that foundation. So everybody around me was clear. And I was clear, that work was my second priority.

Andrea Palmer  25:30  
And it sounded like you had some healthy boundaries that you respected. 

Leanna McGrath  25:34  
I did. And I had, at the time I was hired people around me who respected them, too.

Andrea Palmer  25:39  
That's important. So I mean, that's kind of a unique situation, right? Getting Hired in when you're that far along. And a company who's that supportive of that situation and must have really wanted you, was there any kind of change through that time period of becoming a new mom in a new job?

Leanna McGrath  25:58  
Yes, a huge change, even in the supportive environment. And even having established these clear boundaries, like you said earlier, you can prepare for it as much as you can, but you don't really know until you go through it, how it's going to impact you. So I started a few months pregnant, the company had headquarters in Montreal, and also an office in DC. So I was up there constantly, I was living stolen, I was living in Dallas, Texas at the time. So I was traveling constantly, while I was pregnant, I was trying to get all my kind of, you know, make sure I knew my team really well, because they were based in those two locations. And, you know, get as much face time as I could to kind of build those relationships before I knew I wouldn't be traveling for a while. So I worked really, really hard at the beginning. And then I had my baby, obviously, four months later, and everything changed. Everything changed. So I was, like I said, I was really fortunate to have a place where there was understanding that like my CEO called it my other startup, he was like you're running two startups right now. Right. And I appreciated that he like recognize that this was a ton of work. I think I feel like he knew more than I did or realized it more than I did somehow how much work it was going to be and how it was going to it was like running to startups basically. And so I took my three months, I did not work. I was not contact I think towards the end, you know, we started like scheduling meetings and stuff like that. But I think a set that boundary for myself and be it was an expectation, it was a mutual expectation, right that like I was not working on my maternity leave.

Andrea Palmer  27:36  
Did you think about work at all? Or were you just so hyper focused on the transition and becoming a mother?

Leanna McGrath  27:42  
No, I don't think I thought about work. I think I thought about work on days where I was like in the weeds and just thought like, Oh, it'd be so much easier to be working right now! 

Andrea Palmer  27:56  
Okay

Leanna McGrath  27:57  
So that's probably the only context really until I started it was I think, like, probably after a full two months, I don't think I just thought about work. And then as I started to, like, get ready to go back, I started thinking about it. And one of the things a very kind of pivotal thing for me. Several years prior, my CEO, in my first company, had bought me the book Lean In whenever Sheryl Sandberg had written it. And that was actually when I read that, that was the first time I even considered, oh, women can really like do both, right? Like women can work and have babies, which is because I had never seen it before in my upbringing. And I just kind of always had that assumption. And so that kind of opened my mind to that idea. And one of the things that she said in that book that I obviously still remember because I'm about to quote it is that if you love your work, if you enjoy what you're doing, then it's worth it to take that time, right and to kind of want to do both. But if you're like not enjoying it, then it's going to feel like hell whenever you're spending time away from your children going to a place that you hate. And so I think that was something that I really took to heart was like, I wanted to make sure that I the work I was doing that I enjoyed it. Right. I mean, I think that's something we should all do regardless. But that was really important to me. So yeah, I kind of started to look forward to it a little bit. I was nervous about it at the same time, like how am I going to do this? I think in the first few months after having a baby there's so many hormones like I mean, there's just biological things happening right? You have all these different hormones that are not regulated yet and right they're like trying to get back to a more stable place. You've got a lack of sleep. It's impossible to describe like how just how hard it is to function whenever you're awake every two hours to feed the baby. You know, like it's just it's it's very difficult.

Andrea Palmer  30:01  
I have so much to look forward to.

Leanna McGrath  30:03  
Not to scare you or anything! So, there's, I think, when I talked earlier about like the perfectionism, the type A, right like, your whole life, you own your life. And like you could decide, obviously, like circumstances might happen that you have to deal with it or out of your control. But like, when you have a baby, it's like, suddenly, all of your control, it's just like out the window, right, and you're just revolving around this tiny human and like, you don't know what they're going to do next. You don't know if like, they're going to take a nap today, or if they're gonna want to scream through it, right? Like, you don't know. And so you don't know if they're gonna want to sleep tonight, you don't know, you know, like, what kind of mood they're gonna be when they in when they wake up. And so it's just like, this new, totally new, I don't know how to, it's almost I guess I would describe it as like, just very wobbly ground like, shaky ground everywhere around you, like, it's hard to get your footing and adjust as soon as you think you've got it, something changes or like a developmental leap happens or whatever. And so, yeah, and I think also, during that time, there's this whole new identity created, and like a whole new person created. And so now, like you've spent your whole life and especially if you're having a baby, when you're a bit older, you've had more time to like, establish your identity, your routines, get used to different things. And now suddenly, you have this new identity of mom and this, like tiny little human that you created, that you brought into the world who didn't ask to be here, right? Like you created them. And, you know, if it took a really long time, then or, you know, there were losses along the way, etc, then it's like, there's just like an added level, I think of just like, I want everything to be perfect for you. And I want to be the perfect mom. And I don't feel like I can be and so there's just like, it was a it was a really tough transition. I think, just with all that stuff going on, I think is a tough transition for anyone, I think like people who are very kind of achievement oriented and that perfectionist thinking of like, I have to be the perfect mom, I have to make sure that it's the perfect day for my baby, or that this baby is raised perfectly, then, you know, that might just kind of amplify the challenge. 

Andrea Palmer  32:25  
Would you have characterized yourself as having mental health struggles during that time? Or are you just kind of describing the experience? Or was it different from your typical day to day of how you deal with new situations or conflict?

Leanna McGrath  32:38  
I think it was possible that I had some PPD, I wasn't diagnosed. There were times where I would just cry a lot. I remember looking at my poor dog, and I was I told my husband, I was like, we have to give her up. Because we can't be the parents that we used to be to her, you know, like, I feel so I just kept apologizing to the dog. And yeah, no, so I definitely, it's probably I don't know. So I don't know, I remember finally saying like, I think I need to talk to somebody like I I'm I don't know if this is normal or not, but I don't feel like I have control over what's going on in my head. You know, like, I just feel so out of sorts. And then it was like, maybe a day or two later, it was just like, I don't know, like fog lifted, it was everything was a bit more clear that probably happened around like eight or nine weeks postpartum was that that like I was suffering from PPD and no longer was was that that my hormones finally balanced back out? Was it that I finally got had gotten the hang of it, you know, and like had, quote, unquote, adjusted? I don't know. Yeah, but it was a challenging time. For me. That was kind of my experience. And I don't think it's completely unique based on conversations with other people that maybe there are like different levels right of it. Yeah, I'm not trying to scare you. I'm sorry, Andrea. 

Andrea Palmer  34:07  
No, listen, I'm spending a lot of my focus trying to prepare my soul in my head, you know, not just the registry in the nursery, but who I'm going to be as a person after that, and being prepared for not being in control and not having a lot of sleep, which are things that I like in my life, but and also what it looks like to go back to work after that, too. You know, I mean, some people aren't in a position to have that choice that you were able to set yourself up with, and kind of had the foresight to set yourself up with but still you chose to go back. What was that like?

Leanna McGrath  34:42  
Yeah, and I totally appreciate that. Obviously, I am very fortunate that things worked out the way that they did with timing of when we're able to sell the company and I think it was foresight and intentionality, combined with luck. I think one of the things that If I feel very fortunate to have had was knowing that it was a choice, like knowing that I had the option to leave, because I think when we put ourselves in any situation where we have the story that like we're there against our will, it makes it so much harder and it disempowers us. And it just, it makes it feel miserable. You know. And so I think that was a unique thing that I feel very fortunate to have had was knowing that like, I'm making the conscious decision to be here. And at any point, if I really wanted to, I could step away. 

Leanna McGrath  35:39  
Okay, so we're going to pause there for today. I know that ended a little bit abruptly that's because there's a lot more to this story. So join me next week for part two, where all share about my return to work after maternity leave, adjusting to working executive mom life, and then my decision to take your career pause. Thanks so much for joining me to hear my story. Hope to see you next week!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai