Find Balance and Joy This Holiday Season

Transcript

Leanna McGrath 0:08

Welcome to the executive coach for moms podcast where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy, while simultaneously leading people at work and at home. I'm your host Leanna Lasky, McGrath, former tech exec turned full time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic, and certified executive coach.

Leanna McGrath 0:30

Hi, everyone. Welcome back to the show. Thanks so much for joining me today. I'm very excited to welcome a special guest, Emily Hardy, who is going to be talking to us about self care, self compassion around the holidays, I know that with the holidays approaching, we're in November, already somehow. And so we've got lots of holidays coming up here that a lot of people celebrate and November, December. And as moms, we often feel the strain of that and a lot on our plate at this time of year. So I wanted to make sure to bring some people on to talk about that and provide some ways of thinking about it. And some tools for making this time maybe just a little bit less stressful and a little bit more enjoyable. Because we all deserve to enjoy the holidays, not just everyone around us. So welcome, Emily, thank you so much for being here with me today.

Emily Hardy 1:30

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to get into this conversation. I think it's a really important one that we don't talk about enough.

Leanna McGrath 1:36

Yeah, absolutely. Well, if you could start off maybe just by telling everybody a little bit about yourself.

Emily Hardy 1:42

Yeah. So I'm Emily, I am a mom to two little boys, a two and a half year old and a five year old. So we are in a new new phase every day, it seems like. I live in California and my motherhood support coach. So I really support moms to approach self care with self compassion and free themselves from kind of the expectations. There's so many expectations on moms, so many pressures on moms. And if we can bring awareness to that and really understand what expectations we want to have for ourselves and what expectations belong to somebody else and aren't actually important to us. We can just live a lot more happy, freer, less stressful lives. And so that is a lot of the work I do. I'm also a podcast host. My podcast is called the worthy mother podcast. And I just really love having conversations that really normalize self care and having honest conversations so that we can feel less alone in all the things about motherhood. So that's a little bit about me and the work that I do.

Leanna McGrath 2:47

Awesome. Yeah. And if y'all haven't listened to the worthy mother podcast, I highly recommend checking it out. Emily does these really cool self care snippets and has some great little tidbits here and there, as well as some great conversations with folks about self care? So go check it out, for sure. I'm curious, Emily, what brought you to this work?

Speaker 2 3:07

Yeah. So I had my first son at 23, when I was finishing up my teaching credential, it was unexpected. It was like this whole, okay, your mom, now we're gonna go with this. And, you know, I got by and had support, luckily had a really supportive family and my partner was, he's awesome. And, you know, very involved, and we made it work. I got my teaching credential was teaching elementary school and had my second son during the pandemic. And when that happened, I, I've always kind of had anxiety, and it kind of came up for me, after my second son was born just in a whole different way that it was like, Hey, I got to deal with this now. And in doing that, and kind of dealing with my mental health, and really focusing on caring for myself, because I had to for my kids, it really led me down a path of self discovery that brought me to a place in a lot of different ways of realizing that I wanted to support other moms, it brought me to a place of realizing that teaching had been the safe option for me and the kind of you know, should do option. And I just learned to like dream and to really consider what I wanted. And so that paired with going on my journey of like literally seeking support for myself and realizing the support that's lacking out there for moms, has just brought me to like, this is my passion. This is the work that I want to do. And I think when we are supporting moms, there is so much opportunity for literal world changing impacts to happen from that.

Leanna McGrath 4:46

Yeah. I totally agree and feel similarly. And what's interesting, you said a few different times kind of the idea of expectations that belong to others. Yeah. And you said that in relation to your teaching and career as well. So when you think about how that shows up for moms around the holidays, what comes up? Like, where do you see that the most?

Emily Hardy 5:11

There are so many expectations around the holidays. And I, you know, my all of my motherhood experience has been with social media. But I imagine that the expectations around the holidays have gotten just so amplified, since we've began mothering in this Instagram era where everyone is showing their Instagram worthy fireplaces and front doors and all the things right, they're sharing their outings to the pumpkin patch, and to the Christmas tree lot. And all these things like, there are so many things that we can do around the holidays. And there's this element of Creating Magic for our children that like fall squarely on our shoulders. And with that, wife is continuing on things. So just stop because it's the holidays, and they really tend to pick up right, like, there's all this extra stuff on our plates, plus, we're trying to like plan for travel, plan for hosting whatever it is. And then we have to navigate other people in our lives, right? If you're spending Thanksgiving with family or traveling for Christmas, or whatever it is, and navigating those sometimes challenging situations, or you're having to make decisions based on not only what you want, but possibly what someone else wants. And it's just a lot. There's a lot of expectations, and we don't really necessarily talk about, okay, what actually, should I expect of myself, like, what do I want? If we're not having those conversations? It just, it feels like we should be doing it all? And if we're not, then we are failing at it.

Leanna McGrath 6:46

Yeah, I agree. I think when I look at Instagram, and Pinterest, and all the other social media options out there, I think, man like how did that person have time to do like, I don't have time to create that perfect mantel or like that perfect table or the perfect decorations? So yeah, I think then it can give us a sense of kind of what did they have that I don't? Or like, how are they doing it? And I can and then as moms often I think we go to this place of like, I'm failing. And I think that that is very real, especially in this age of social media and like, the Pinterest worthy everything's and like the expectation that that's how it is. So I think, yeah, it takes a bit of realization that like, this doesn't align with my priorities. And maybe yes, my house isn't going to be on Pinterest this year, maybe at some point in the future when I have different priorities. But yeah, I think that makes so much sense. And I think the idea that like it's on us to create the magic. Can you talk more about that?

Emily Hardy 7:52

Yeah, I mean, there's just this sense of magic around the holidays, you know, and I'll kind of talk specifically about Christmas, for anybody who celebrates Christmas, or participates in Christmas activities, you know, we go to the Christmas lights every year. And it's something that we prioritize, we love it. And it's so much fun. There's a really cool, local to us event that we can go to, and we pay the money and we go, and it's so much fun. It's magical. It really feels magical for our kids. But there are so many things that feel magical for our kids, you know, going and getting a picture with Santa's Elf on the Shelf, gingerbread houses, whatever, like all of these things that you maybe carry from your childhood, and you're like, that was something I did that was just set up for me ready to go, and it was magical. And then maybe your partner brought things to the relationship that are traditions that you do that are just so magical for our kids. And, you know, we grow up not realizing all of that there's someone doing work behind all of them, right? It doesn't just happen. Even you know, decorating the house like things, all of it, it's, it's all work, there's all labor behind it. And that's not to say that we should just say, Screw it, I'm not doing I'm not gonna do anything to create that magic. If it's important to you. That's amazing. And there's definitely things as a family, you know, I said, we go to the Christmas lights, we the Elf on the Shelf visits our house, and we it's awesome. It's a cool little experience that we have. But there's so many things that we can create magic around, and it feels like this incredible pressure to do that. And I think we have to acknowledge like the work that goes into that. So that we can really think about like, is this something that is as important to me as I think it is? If we don't stop and think about that and consider like, why are these traditions important? We're just gonna do things and we're not actually recognized like what the value is there?

Leanna McGrath 9:55

Yeah, I think about like my childhood traditions. My Christmas was so magical for my family and we had such strong traditions. And my mom was a full time mom, and was not working outside of the home. And so a lot of time and energy, like, you know, that she spent was on creating this experience for us. And so I think about, like, if someone grew up with a full time mom, and then they are now a full time executive, or, you know, working full time and parenting, it's just like we we still have that expectation of ourselves and hold ourselves to that standard that just might not be physically possible, or, right. And we think we can do it all. And sure, like we can at the expense of something, something else. Right. But yeah, I think that, that makes so much sense that it's almost like whatever happened in our childhood, we bring that forward and carry that expectation of ourselves. And even if our parents were working, like they just may have chosen to prioritize things differently, right than we might now. And we, I think it's so important, you know, like you said, to really think about it and kind of make a conscious decision around. How do I want to spend my time? How do I want to prioritize? Is this the magic that I want to create? Or am I just trying to carry this forward? Because I want for my child what I had in my childhood, which makes total sense.

Emily Hardy 11:25

Yeah, absolutely.

Leanna McGrath 11:27

So do you have any suggestions or ideas for moms about like, what can we do to release some of that pressure or to take care of ourselves, in the midst of all of it of creating the magic?

Emily Hardy 11:41

Yeah, so there's kind of a few things that like a few angles to this conversation, one thing that I really like to do is like, bring the awareness to what we value, right. And so when it comes to like activities, or events, or things that we want to do around the holidays, you can literally sit down, take 10 minutes and write down all the things that you've done in the past that you are thinking you should do this year, whatever it is, right? Like all the things that seem important, and then really go through and think about, like, is this actually important to me, maybe this is something that my child, it brought my child so much joy last year. And so it's a lot of work, but you know, it's worth it, that works gonna be worth it to me to make that happen. Maybe there's things on there, where you're like, Yeah, I drag the family to this every year, and they hate it. You know, it's always fun when we get there. But like, it's a it's hard to get there. And whatever it is, and it costs money, and we just do it for the picture, or whatever. Right? And okay, is that actually, if I really think about it, is that something that I want to prioritize? Maybe not, we get so in autopilot. And especially when things get busy, and you know, it's like, we can't bring attention to every decision we make. So sometimes it's just like, hey, gotta get on to the next thing, if we can stop and actually think about it, that can do a huge amount of like lifting the pressure, just recognizing like, what actually is important. Yeah. And then when you are doing all the things, right, taking the time for you, making sure that you are not giving up any of your time, your time for self care, just by adding more onto your plate that, you know, you're always the one to like lose out on that. And then also knowing that, like, if you're adding more to your plate, you really need to be focused on caring for yourself, probably more than if you're just kind of going about the normal things, right. And so recognizing that none of us like our plates are only so strong. You can't just add more and expect that nothing's going to give but you also can't always be giving your self care time. Right. There's other sacrifices that may have to be made that aren't always coming from you.

Leanna McGrath 14:09

Yeah, I think the point of getting on autopilot when things are so busy. I mean, that makes so much sense. Because it's like, When am I going to have time to stop and write a list? Right? And I think that that's what our brains usually offer us is like, there is not time to do this. Just keep going just go right. And that's usually then what we ended up doing, and we just go and I think that, for me, at least when I'm feeling the most exhausted and depleted. It's usually when I have lost a bit of consciousness, like I'm not paying attention to what I'm doing. I'm just like going through the motions. I'm just checking off the list, getting it done, which don't get me wrong. There are times in life where that's how life is. Or that's how life kind of gets but we have the opportunity to come stop and take 15 minutes to think about, like, what do I want this holiday season to look like? And what is important to me here? I think that makes so much sense. And then we can really align our actions to that to that vision that we have. And what's important. And in saying like, yeah, that one, we're not going to do that one this year, like, we'll take the year off. And I think that's another thing with our all or nothing thinking, sometimes we might get into like, Oh, if we don't do it this year, then it's like, we can never do it again, where it's like, we've lost the tradition, but we can just take a year off and like, see how everybody feels about that. And if the thing that was really hard to get to every year prior, you know, is like a huge thing that everyone's like, Oh, my gosh, I am so upset. Like, this was something I look forward to. And I'm like, so disappointed. We're not doing it. Well, then that's really great data for next year, whenever we're deciding what we want to do. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And I think there's also an opportunity to, like, incorporate the family in this conversation too, right? Of like, what's important, and, you know, the kids are probably gonna say they want it all. Yeah, but I always like to ask, but what first, I always like to ask them, What do you want to do tomorrow? Or what do you want to do right now? Because that to me, tells me like what is most important to them whenever they're really might not have like the brain development yet, or the skill set yet to prioritize? But it's like, what do you want right now? Or what do you want to do tomorrow, so that I can get an idea of like, what sounds most exciting to them?

Speaker 2 16:29

Yeah, I think that's always a great idea to really, because a lot of times, the things that are important aren't necessarily the things that are like the most important to us, it's the things that we really want to give our kids, it's important to us to give that to our kids. And so including them, then it kind of takes some of the guilt away to have like, on depriving them of what they want. By setting boundaries. It's like, No, you're actually being strategic about this and approaching it from a way where they can get what they want, and you're not burned out by the end of it.

Leanna McGrath 16:58

Yeah. And then you talked about taking time for you, which I think probably like when I heard that, I was like, oh, man, that feels so hard, right? To be like, Yeah, more effort expended on the you know, this time of year means that, like, I have less time and therefore like, how am I going to find time? For self care? Or to think about me? So are there any, like, mindset tips or helpful reminders? Or just like, how do you recommend that women do that?

Speaker 2 17:28

Yeah. So this is one of those things, like, like I said, I have like a whole podcast where we talk so much about skincare, it's something where like, you're never gonna have it figured out. And I think laying that foundation and saying, Okay, I'm not going to have like my self care plan. I mean, maybe maybe there's people out there who have their self care plan, and it works forever, and they are good to go. For most of us, that's not really the case, because life is constantly changing, when we have kids that constantly, things are constantly changing, right? And our needs, like as individuals are constantly changing. So of course, the care that we're going to need at any given time is going to change as well. So really, the biggest thing that I like to kind of start with is that self care needs to not be some afterthought, having it be in your mind and getting, you know, working on the mindset of like, this is something that first of all I deserve as an individual, I deserve to have my needs met, but then also when my needs are met, that's going to have an impact on how I'm able to show up for all the other things right. And so there's kind of a payoff that you don't have to focus on the payoff, but sometimes focusing on the payoff is helpful to say, Okay, this is important. And then really like, figuring out how to make it kind of a norm for you. Right, that there's, you're getting the time for yourself, and whether that's like, Okay, I'm gonna be intentional on my drive to work. And, you know, I always say, like, listening to a podcast one way and then on the way back, just being intentional about, like, what you're thinking about. So I'm gonna think about, like, I'm gonna check in with myself, like, how am I doing, and taking that drive to kind of check in, see if there's anything that's happening that I wasn't really aware of internally, you know, just finding the ways to incorporate it in things you're already doing. And then ideally, you are also getting time for yourself to really check in with those needs time for yourself, that isn't just the commute to work, right. And really understanding like your individual unique needs at that time, I think time to ourselves, intentional time to ourselves is so key, because then we can figure out like what needs to happen, you know, in other areas. It's not always easy. It's something that a lot of times there has to be pretty firm boundaries to make sure that's happening. help from others because our kids need us all the time and you know, in This way it is, but we have to know that we cannot do it all. When we say like it takes a village. Like, there's a reason we say things like that. And if you are doing it all, if you are carrying the weight of everything and trying to do it all perfectly, like just being really aware that it's not sustainable, and it has a cost, it totally has a cost. And for some people like getting the help to have time yourself that may not be as realistic. Like if you're a single parent, and you don't have family and whatever it is, right, the different factors. But then knowing that, like, if you're not getting that time to yourself, you're not caring for yourself to the level that really you need, knowing that you might have to lower your expectations of how you're able to show up for everyone else. And that that's okay. We can't do it all.

Leanna McGrath 20:50

Yeah, yeah, I think that that makes sense. And I think that that's something that especially like high achieving women have such a hard time with is lowering our expectations of ourselves. Right, because it feels like it goes back to that failure. Right, then then availing but yeah, like, what are your resources? And what's your measurement of success, just like you would measure an employee, like, you have to consider the circumstances and the environment and the resources that that person has to do their job? Well, right. But whenever you're evaluating their performance, but we tend to hold ourselves to, you know, a very unrealistic standard an expectation so that we are always failing, right? Because we never met that expectation of perfection. I'm curious, as you were talking about some of your self care recommendations, like, just to back up a little bit. How do ya define self care? Like, what is self care? Because I think that term gets thrown around a lot. And it's like, I don't have time for that. Like, is that like a day at the spa? That sounds amazing. But I don't have time to go and do that. So how do you define that? And, you know, I'd love any other like recommendations that you have to actually do it, whatever this self care thing is, right?

Speaker 2 22:07

So self care, to me is really like the meeting of our needs, getting our needs met. And so we have like different levels of needs, right? If you think of like Maslow's hierarchy of needs, don't get too much into that. But like, we have our basic needs, right? Like of shelter, food, water, sleep, if you're not getting enough sleep, start there. Right. I mean, that's really how it is, if you're not eating during the day, start there, those are the things that, really, you need to be focused on making sure that like, you're just doing more than barely surviving, right, we need to make sure those needs are met. But our needs are a lot more complex than that. And if our basic needs aren't getting met, we have a place to live. And we're not in survival mode, we need to be connecting with others like that sense of belonging that is a need we have. So self care, is going to look like connecting with others, that's going to be an important piece of pouring into ourselves. There's also things like I consider doing creative things, self care, because if you have a need to be doing something creative or doing something, you know, going after a big goal, and it's something that is like, you know, you might feel a little selfish about because you're like, Oh, well, I could be spending less time with my kids. But it's like something you want, that desire might be a need, you have like to fulfill that to go after something. And so really understanding how self care can be connected to those needs and how needs aren't necessarily these like, I absolutely need this to survive. It's like well, yes. But also if you are surviving, we don't have to just focus on like, Okay, I'm a mom now. So my job is to survive. Now. We're humans, we are deserving of getting those other more like waiting needs met, you know, those those needs...

Leanna McGrath 23:54

Higher up the higher up the hierarchy.

Leanna McGrath 23:57

Yeah, yeah.

Leanna McGrath 23:58

Yeah, I think in terms of Maslow's hierarchy a lot.

Speaker 2 24:02

Yeah, it can be a really useful tool. Because, yeah, when we talk about self care, and when we talk about needs, like, we can get stuck in like things like not really understanding what that means. And so I think, knowing that there's room for us to care for ourselves in really important ways that do impact the way that we show up for others that are not just making sure we get a shower. Yeah, it's, it's more than that. And then the impacts of doing that as pouring into yourself in that way. You're modeling that for your kids. I mean, it just, you know, I said at the beginning, when we support moms, it's world changing. And that's really that's it. You're teaching our kids a different way when we focus on ourselves.

Leanna McGrath 24:40

Yeah, yeah, I think about there are some days where, you know, we've just had like a super busy morning and yeah, I have in my head a plan to go to the park in the afternoon. And I think like, oh, this is gonna be so great. She's gonna love it and have so much fun. But it gets to that time and I'm like, I am shot like I'm just I'm just done for the day. And so, if we go to the park, that's an option I can push through, I'm probably going to feel a bit resentful because like I'm saying your needs are more important than my need to rest at this moment. And even though, you know, like, maybe we'll have a good time overall, but like, I'm gonna feel more depleted, I think whenever I am, I am doing that. Whereas if I'm able to come home and rest of it, then maybe that evening, we're able to do a fun activity, because I've, you know, I've kind of refilled my tank a little bit normally. And so I'm able to show up in a more authentic way where it's not like, I'm pushing myself beyond my current capabilities. But then I can kind of show up better whenever I've, I've met those needs. So I think that makes so much sense. I think the challenge for a lot of women is that often we think that our needs are in contention with everybody else's needs. And we think that we have to, you know, society kind of really rewards like selflessness, which is like my least favorite term ever. And then it feels like, I need to prioritize everybody else's needs over mine. And then I feel depleted. And I don't show up the way I want to. So I'm curious as you think about thinking about everybody's needs. So maybe it's like, where are we spending Thanksgiving this year? Right? Or like, what are we doing for Hanukkah? Like, my mom wants this, my mother in law wants this. My cousin always does this thing, right? And it's like, everybody has all of these needs, and so do we. And it's like, how do we kind of manage all of that and juggle all of that and make sure that our needs are being met, our children's needs are being met or family's needs are being met? Ah, it's, it feels like a lot, right? And it feels like we feel so responsible for all of that, right?

Speaker 2 26:49

Yeah, I'm sure anyone listening who's dealt with situations where you are trying to make everyone happy, particularly around the holidays, they're probably like, yep, been there. And I know, that's the thing for me that I can definitely relate to. I'm going to say, number one, self compassion, self compassion with all of this right? giving ourselves grace, when we don't even meet our expectations that we've clearly defined knowing that we're human. And then in this instance, like self compassion, to know that, first of all, we literally can't make anyone else happy, we can't make our kids happy, we can't make our spouse happy, we can't make our mother in law happy, we can't make anyone happy. That's not something that the way like our emotions work. And that's not how it works. So just releasing that and knowing that, yes, we can show up for the people we love in our lives. And we can show up with like compassion for them as well. But like, our job is not to make anyone else happy. And if we can kind of get clear on that, that can take some of the pressure off to feel like it's all in our hands. And it's really not. But boundaries is a huge piece of this. And to be able to have a boundary and set a boundary, you do have to understand what you actually want. And so again, like that's going to be a key piece is like, actually figuring out what do I want here, what's important to me, maybe traveling to my sister in law's house is going to be a challenge. But it is important to me that we spend time with them. And so we're going to make that happen, right? It doesn't just have to be like, Oh, if this isn't the easiest, best option for me, I'm not going to do it. Right? Because that feels then like there's a lot of pressure to like, goodness, that's a lot of boundaries I have to set that's not necessarily what's going to be the best option. Yeah. But knowing that, like you have to take the time to intentionally think about it. And it could take time, especially, you know, if your partner is involved in this conversation, and it's something that you're working on together, which I mean, it should be if it's something that is happening for your family, I think that's important, right? That is something you guys are talking through together. And really just getting clear on what are the priorities. And then when you are setting those boundaries, or telling someone you know what, this isn't going to happen this year, doing that with a level of compassion for them. Because just because you set a boundary doesn't mean they're going to be happy with it. And that's okay. It's not your job to make them happy. Obviously, whatever happens, there's ways that you then respond, and you know, it can be these things, but just knowing that like having compassion for someone else, they may be disappointed. Things may not be the way that they want. That's okay. It's not your job to make everyone happy. That's, I mean, it's it really feels like our jobs we have most women were little girls whose job it was to make everyone happy. Right, right. Like I think that's just something that is so deeply ingrained and most of us so this is easier said than done. It's not easy. It's very challenging, and takes a lot of practice. So just having the compassion through all of that because it's hard to disappoint people.

Leanna McGrath 29:57

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I think about like, I've been there, I'm pretty sure we've all done this at some point where we're like, having this conversation and setting this boundary with somebody else is so anxiety inducing, and sounds so hard. When I think about it that like, I'm just going to do the thing that I don't want to do to avoid that. And oftentimes, that feels like the better choice because we're like, we don't want to have to have that uncomfortable conversation. And we don't want to cause drama in the family, or whatever it is, right? Like, we feel like that's on us. And then like you said, of course, we're thinking that everybody else's feelings were responsible for them. And it's our job to kind of make everyone else happy. So for me, at least, like I think it's just like a conscious choice. And so it's like, maybe last year, we were just like, I'm just gonna go to the thing, because I don't want to have a conversation. And then when I show up there, I'm kind of like, have that little low level resentment. And I'm feeling kind of like, I don't want to be here, or like, we should have stayed home, or we should have done this other thing. But I think whenever that's like such a disempowering place to be, and so I think it's like recognizing, like, I am making a conscious choice here, to not have this uncomfortable conversation. And that's okay. Like, that's, we can totally make that choice. But like, I am choosing to go to this thing. And so that when we show up, we can show up knowing that we chose that thing, because there were two choices, that didn't feel great. We just Yeah, the one that felt maybe a little less hard or a little bit better. But then I think when we show up there, we show up a little bit more empowered, and a little bit more like like, maybe we can enjoy ourselves a bit more, because it doesn't feel like we're being held hostage, and kind of forced against our will. But it's kind of that idea, like you said about like making decisions and bringing that level of consciousness to it, and really talking about it with our partners and our family and figuring out, you know, what is it that we want to do? And how do we want to spend our time? Yeah, and what do you have any ideas for us about? Like, how do we let go of that, I know that this, this not going to this thing, or doing this other thing, or leaving early or not hosting or whatever it is, is probably going to disappoint some people that are really love and care about, and they're going to have some feelings about that. Do you have any suggestions for for our listeners, but like how to actually kind of let go of that even if it's just a little bit?

Speaker 2 32:44

Yeah, I'm a huge proponent of like, bringing the awareness bringing the consciousness to not only ourselves, but like why we might be in a situation. Because a lot of times with situations like this, there's actually like, it's not even just came myself, my family, it's like actually this more societal thing going on, right? I mean, we talking about this and generalizing that this is something a lot of people deal with, because it is a societal norm. Yeah. And so for me, it can be really helpful to kind of de personalize it, it can also feel frustrating. So there's kind of holding that, right. It's like, it can feel like I don't even have control over the fact that this is just the way it is and that I have to deal with this or whatever, right. But it can also make it feel a little bit more like this wasn't anyone's fault. This isn't the fault of me and my family. This isn't the fault of my inlaws, or my parents or whatever it's like, this is just something that I'm choosing to consciously work through. And with so many things, when we're feeling guilt about something or you know, just like we're letting people down, if we can really understand the, like societal components of that there can be a little bit of the weightlifting, right, and then knowing that, like, you still might feel the guilt were human. We have lived up to this point of like, feeling the pressure, and it's not just gonna go away. And I think that's a really important part of the conversation that we're not this isn't one more thing to aim for perfection and and being able to set boundaries perfectly and be okay with disappointing people. Like that's not the goal, but it's just lifting the weight a little bit, right.

Leanna McGrath 34:27

Yeah, that makes so much sense. And one of the things that you've said several times is like, it is not our job to make other people happy. Right is not our job to kind of control all of their feelings. So I'm curious for you around the holidays. What do you see your job that's like, what is our job? And I'm sure that might be different for everybody. So I'm curious, like, what is it for you? And then do you have any kind of considerations for people to think about whenever they're bringing some awareness to Okay, So if that's not my job, like, that's always been my job. Now what, what is my job?

Leanna McGrath 35:04

This is a really interesting conversation. And I hadn't really thought about it in these terms. But when you say that I'm like, You know what, I think that my job is not really a job around the holidays, I think it's more just making decisions that are going to bring the most joy to my family. And you know, the most, I don't even want to say ease, because I don't, it's not all easy, but just not overload us not make this more stressful than it needs to be, you know, my kids are fairly young and understanding that, like, I actually have quite a bit of control over what they're going to expect around the holidays. And weather, I mean, you know, obviously, people have different aged kids, and if your kids are 10, they might have some really, I know what, like, for me, I'm like, No, there's things that like, my parents better be do. Like, even still, as an adult, it's like, we hold on to the things that we expect, but we have kind of agency in building that for our families. And so I think just like really being conscious of the decisions that I'm making, and making the decisions that feel the best and feel like the most joyous and the least stressful, because really, it's not like all of this stuff, all of these celebrations and traditions, you know, talking about, like, just the, you know, the gatherings for Thanksgiving, or whatever it is, they really just kind of made up, right? It's just something that like, hasn't passed down, and is fun, but it's all made up somewhere, it all started somewhere, right? And so knowing that, like we get to choose, you don't have to put more weight on it than that. Like, it doesn't have to feel like oh, I have to do all of these things. It's like I get to do the things that I want to do. There might be some things that I am doing, because it makes my seven year old happy, and I don't really want to do it. But it's worth it to me to do it because of that. But like there's nothing you have to do, when you think about it in those terms, like you really have full choice of it.

Leanna McGrath 37:11

Yeah, it might not feel that way. Right?

Emily Hardy 37:13

Yeah, definitely might not feel that way.

Leanna McGrath 37:15

Mm hmm. Yeah. Because of the, like you said at the beginning the expectations that belong to others.

Emily Hardy 37:20

Absolutely.

Leanna McGrath 37:22

Yeah. And probably the oftentimes unexamined expectations that we have of ourselves,

Speaker 2 37:28

We internalize a lot of things. Because even like the decorating the inside of your house, like no one's gonna see that. It is expectations we're taking on external expectations are taking on internally, but it's like, they are internal in terms of like, that's an expectation we're putting on ourselves. Because if you weren't going to snap a picture of your fireplace, just the way it is, it's always in front of it. And it doesn't like there's no one holding you to that expectation. There's no like, time to post your fireplace picture, right. But we hold ourselves to those expectations. And so really understanding that and understanding like, okay, that doesn't have to be my expectation.

Leanna McGrath 38:07

Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, well, I think, lots of so many great things about that to think about and any other suggestions that you have, or thoughts about kind of ways that women might think differently about the holidays?

Speaker 2 38:25

Yeah, I mean, I just want to like, and I know, I've said it multiple times, but end on the note of like self compassion through it all. I've compassionate with yourself know that, again, you're not going to get it all right, you're not going to get it all right for yourself. If there's things that are stressful, and then you regret doing it, and you feel like you made the wrong decision. Like, that's we're learning. We're constantly learning. We're not robots. We don't want to be robots like, it's self compassion is such a gift we can give ourselves

Leanna McGrath 38:55

Yeah, and as you were just saying that this saying that I've heard just came out that it does not have to be perfect to be great. Because I think so often we hold ourselves to that standard and think like anything less than that. Our kids are gonna have a terrible holiday experience, right? Like we've and we've failed in some way that I can still be really, really great without being perfect. So true. Yeah. Well, Emily, thank you so much for joining us today. I love this conversation. And I really hope that everybody takes some of the ideas we talked about to heart this holiday season and that it helps to bring a little bit more joy and peace into the holidays we say those words and maybe we don't always get to feel them. We want to make sure everybody else feels them. Maybe we can actually invite them in for us to feel a little bit this holiday season too. And Emily, where can people find you to learn more about self care and self compassion and kind of caring for themselves in motherhood?

Speaker 2 39:53

So I'm on Instagram @honestlyEmilyRose, best place to connect with me and then also my podcast, the worthy mother podcast is just a great place if you want more of this self compassionate conversation. Right. That's a great place to tune in.

Leanna McGrath 40:08

Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you everyone so much for tuning in and we will see you next week.

Leanna McGrath 40:18

Thanks so much for tuning into the executive coach for moms podcast. Please like, subscribe or follow the show so you'll be notified when the next episode is available. I hope you'll join me again next time. Take care

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